Silver Linings

Sometimes a tragedy (or two) has to happen to really open your eyes to something. It’s so unfortunate that this is the case but I try to find the silver lining in shitty situations.

Recently I attended a friend’s memorial service. I was anxious about going because leading up to his ceremony his brother and I were not getting along very well.  This is someone who I have always admired and cherished as a friend and so being at odds was not a comfortable situation especially when going to honor his brother—there was no way around interacting with him. It didn’t matter though, anxious or not, I would not let something like that stand in my way of doing what I wanted to do, which was celebrate my late friend’s life. Later that night, not only did things get smoothed out between me and the brother but he said many things to me, about me, that let me know that he actually pays attention to things I do and say. As sad as it sounds, this concept feels foreign to me. A friend, a male friend no less, remarking on my state of mind, likes and dislikes, and showing genuine concern for how I was feeling.  I was trying to brush it all off because after all, he had just lost his brother. No need to put attention on me. However, his words and actions meant so much to me and represented exactly what a true friend is all about--thanks Dave.

Fast forward just one day to the day I received some horrible news. An employee of mine, who I had also become extremely close to, had passed away over the weekend. I am completely beside myself over how much the loss of her hurts. Not only is my friend gone but I have to deal with the employer side of things and that just really sucks. I want to go crawl in a hole. But of course, as adults, we can’t do that can we? So I must keep going. I have been crying off and on and knew getting through my Tuesday morning workout was going to be a struggle. It’s true I’m a morning person and I love to workout. However, right now I feel SAD. Truly, sad.  I am not one who hides her emotions well so I knew that when I was asked, “How are you today?” the tears would probably start. I was so pleased that for this workout I got Coach Chris. He immediately saw through the bullshit of my response of, “I’m okay” and said, “No you’re not.” I broke down in tears and told him what had happened (he is the owner of the gym so he understands that dynamic as well). I mentioned that I wasn’t sure why I’m taking it so hard and he simply said, “I do, it’s because you’re all heart.” Yet, another statement from someone who pays attention and makes me feel okay to be me and that I’m a good person.

I often catch myself apologizing for being “me”. I label myself as difficult, weird, emotional, and exhausting.  I’m not entirely sure why I do this. I guess because I probably give too much of myself to people who truly haven’t earned it/can’t handle it. When I over explain myself or share something with them thinking it will be a nice bonding experience it’s because I value them as a friend. However, when they don’t reciprocate (or just get freaked out) I should take that as a sign and not do it again unless I get more general input from them. Instead what I end up doing is apologizing. I think I apologize out of fear of losing the friendship. However, as I’m typing that out, it seems ridiculous. No one should ever have to apologize for being themselves. Either people will appreciate who you are, value you, and remind you how special you are, or they won’t. And if they don’t, perhaps you shouldn’t invest as much time into them. That is my take-away from all of this. It’s not easy though, and it hurts when people let me down…even when they don’t mean to. I know that I build people up in my head to be more than what they really are, so I’m definitely just as much at fault.

I have many more friends than just the two I mentioned here that do what I described (and it probably goes without saying but John as well…always). I mention these two though because both were so recent and both were men (who I seem to have a hard time trusting and getting respect from). And those who do respect me usually don’t verbalize appreciation for my friendship or why. Even though, I could easily do that for them, and probably do.  More shit for me to work on I suppose.

I am going to try really hard to:

A) Not build people up to be more than what they are or are capable of being

B) Be more cautious who I invest time into

C) Stop apologizing for being ME

Amy the Athlete

I am an athlete.

This might amuse some of you or make you scratch your head…it definitely has had that effect on me whenever someone has described me this way. “But I don’t play a sport and I’m not training for any competition and the ones I have are only temporary things.” I didn’t realize that’s not what makes an athlete. I know when my personal trainer Chris reads this he’s either going to want to roll his eyes or smile in amazement that I FINALLY get it! (I’m guessing the latter because of the awesome support he’s always given me and time to figure things out on my own). However, I’M rolling my eyes because it has taken me so long to get to this place where I (think) I can say “I am an athlete.”

How am I an athlete when I don’t play sports and I’m not training for a competition?

Because of my mindset and dedication.

I don’t work-out because I feel that I should. I don’t drag myself out of bed to go to the gym and then just do the motions. I LOVE working out. I LOVE feeling strong and making gains. I love knowing how much weight I’m lifting and comparing it to what I was doing and keeping track of my improvements (and honestly comparing it to others’). I take that shit pretty seriously! I strive to be better (almost) every single time and honestly thrive on that feeling. I don’t skip workouts—I skip life to make sure I am ready for the gym in the morning. I talk about each workout, sometimes in great detail, to poor John (bless him for asking and listening) because it excites me to share my journey each day.

Likewise I don’t try to live a healthy lifestyle because I feel that I should. I used to but not anymore. I am happy to say that now I do so to support my fitness goals, which ultimately tie into wanting to be healthy and strong for a long, long time to come. I’m still fine tuning my eating to match up with my VERY new mindset of believing I’m an athlete but I do feel this may be a huge piece of the puzzle that’s been holding me back in achieving even better results than I already have. Yes, Chris, if this is true you will be right yet again, damn you!

How else do I know I’m an athlete? I’m writing a freakin’ blog about it! Who does that?! Someone who is excited about health and fitness, that’s who. And someone who is excited about these things and is as dedicated as I am is, in fact, an athlete.

Accepting My LARGE Self

Just over 3 years ago I had surgery on my left foot. This was also the same time that John moved to Tucson. In the year following these events I gained 50 pounds. Partly due to not being able to get around much and partly due to the new relationship “curse” where you become super comfortable and tend to eat like crap. It has been a rough three years since then regarding weight.

It seems as though no matter what I do or try I can’t drop the weight I gained. I have lost some but not nearly as much as I want to. It’s okay though because recently I have been working with my personal trainer at the gym to change my eating habits. This has been very effective and I definitely feel much better and I know that I am healthy, (my blood work from the doctor’s office verifies this). However, I just can’t seem to drop the weight. I am not looking for suggestions or opinions as to why this might be. I believe it has to do with a mental block of some sort. No matter though, the important thing is that I’m healthy and I physically feel good.

Does that mean I’m comfortable with the way I look?? Hell no. It really bothers me actually—especially when I see pictures of myself. I feel okay until I see how big I actually look in a picture. This would normally keep me from taking photos or posting photos but I realized that this reasoning is bullshit. Anyone can take a good picture at just the right angle to make themselves look prettier or thinner or whatever. But you still aren’t fooling yourself so what’s the point? I don’t want to not post pictures because I feel fat and disgusting. I want to post them, showing events and my involvement. I almost didn’t post the picture of me with my brother because I know I look HUGE. But that made me sad because the picture isn’t about me, it’s about him and how awesome he did! Who cares what I look like?? I was happy and proud and that’s all that should matter.

I know people who don’t see me regularly look at pictures I post and think “damn, she gained a lot of weight,” and you know what, you’re right! But I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and eventually the weight will come off but in the meantime LIFE HAPPENS. It’s okay if you look at pictures of me and wonder what happened and that I used to look so much better. Trust me, I know this. But to not post pictures and capture moments would be far sadder than wondering what people are thinking about me.

My Solo Trip to Miraval Arizona

It’s been around a month since I spent 4 glorious days and 3 nights at Miraval. While I was there I made video journals of my experience. I’ve been hesitant to post all of them because they’re lengthy and I figured no one would want to watch hours of me talking. So, about a week after my vacation I made a video summary of my experience which is still pretty long but much shorter than all my other videos. However, some people have expressed desire to watch my experience as it unfolds so I have decided to post both the summary (at the bottom) and all the individual videos I made while I was at Miraval. Additionally I have included some sped up footage of the property (sorry if it makes you dizzy!) and some pictures of the food I enjoyed as well as some other random things, and perhaps a celebrity as well ;)

Obviously, feel free to skip ahead as you see fit and all comments and/or questions are appreciated. I’m curious to see if anyone sees a difference from the first day I arrived to the last. I know I can see a change in not only my face but my overall aura. And finally, I am sorry it has taken me so long to post this. I have had the worst luck getting my footage formatted correctly and to a site that would upload it, ugh. Enjoy!

Dinner sign-up sheet

Buffet-style lunch

Pretty picture colored by me :P

Buckwheat pancakes!!

Menu lunch

Naga Thai massage room

Delicious spicy watermelon appetizer

Another appetizer

Cool clouds

Dr Oz!!

More appetizers

Polenta lasagna

THANK YOU!!!! :)

Perceptions vs. Communication

It’s interesting to find out how people perceive you. It’s also interesting to realize that how people perceive you is based on what is going on in their life at the time and not on what is going on in your life. I find this to be completely backwards. Let me explain…

You work with someone who always seems miserable. They complain about their workload, make loud sighs throughout the day, and just never seem to smile. Your perception is that they dislike their job (or maybe even life). You think this because of how they behave but not just how they behave in general but how their behavior makes YOU feel. You like work. Well maybe you don’t like work but you’re glad to have a job. You’re friendly and outgoing with your co-workers and you enjoy laughing. This person’s behavior bothers you because of how YOU view work not because of how they behave. If you knew more about what was going on with them you might understand better why they seem so miserable at work. It might not have anything to do with work. And really the only reason you even care at all is because of your views about work and not because you care about their feelings. If you really, really think about this you’ll realize it’s true.

So why would you know more about what was going on with their life?

You probably wouldn’t and it really isn’t necessary, this person is just a co-worker. But what if this story was about a friend of yours? A friend’s behavior is strange, bad, good, confusing, etc… and you make a perception (often known as jumping to a conclusion) about what their mood is all about. If you’re a good friend you’ll figure out what is going on with them to spark that change. You’ll try to figure it out FROM them and not just make assumptions. What you perceive to be true probably isn’t true if you just base your perception off of their behavior and how it fits into your day but rather the truth will come if you communicate with them and care enough to figure out the true cause of their mood based on what is going on in their life...period.

I sure wish more people knew how to be good friends. It would not only save me from hurt but them as well if they would only take the time to communicate and not just assume.

Restaurant Blues

What ever happened to being able to go out to a restaurant and have a peaceful experience? Those days are long gone and it’s really upsetting to me. My boyfriend and I like to go out to eat but we must do so knowing that we’re probably going to be annoyed. If it’s not a screaming baby, or a toddler playing drums with silverware, it’s a loud speaking adult sharing inappropriate stories or just plain being annoying. And don’t think that complaining will do any good. The most reaction we ever get is “Yeah, you’re not the only ones to complain, sorry.” WTF is that?! If people are complaining what is wrong with going over to the table and saying “Excuse me but your table is disrupting other guests. We’re going to have to ask you to keep it down or you’ll be asked to leave.” Back when I was a server I did this all the time. Why should people be allowed to go out and cause a disturbance to those around them?? I get that it’s not going to be silent. I understand that it’s not just about me. But whatever happened to manners? It really is a shame. I’m going to have to start leaving places that I like because the establishments act in fear of those being loud. It’s absurd. I bet if I went in somewhere and started cursing loudly I’d be asked to leave. I don’t see what the difference is. It doesn’t seem to matter what time of day it is or how “upscale” the place is either. Noise and rudeness are everywhere and I’m tired of it.

If Size Was Only Just a Number...

Getting used to being fat is not easy. In fact it’s downright depressing. When nothing fits right anymore and no matter how you angle a mirror you still look fat…it’s hard to accept. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. And I feel disgusting.

I started gaining weight around the time I met John, last September. It didn’t become very apparent however until I had my foot surgery mid-February.  Being immobile makes it very hard to burn calories. Laying around all day makes it easy to eat a lot too. Mix those two things together and voila…weight gain central. It’s been five months since my surgery and I’m just now getting back to being active again. Well, kind of. I’m still very limited on what I can do. I discovered I’m nowhere near ready for running :( And I can only be on my feet for so long before I need to rest them. I’m not trying to make any excuses…I know it just means I have to work extra hard at the things I can do. I’ve been doing well with eating. I balance a pretty healthy diet. But diet alone isn’t getting me where I want to be.

When I had surgery on my right foot, around 10 years ago, I lost weight.  I thought this time would be the same. I kind of forgot that thing called age and how being fit becomes much harder the older you get…ugh. I also didn’t have someone by my side the entire time I was recovering last time to get me whatever I wanted, including food. So naturally I put on some weight this time around. I mean it makes sense to me…if I were anyone else. But since I am ME I think I’m a failure now that I am heavier. I know I will lose the weight that I want to but in the meantime, being fat sucks. I can’t imagine how it would feel if I were unhealthy too! At least I have my health but being larger than I’m used to is very difficult for me. I can’t bring myself to accept it. I know it’s my fault and that’s the hardest part. I feel like I really let myself down.

Life's Little Changes

The choice to not have kids comes with some repercussions that aren’t easy to accept sometimes. Around the time all your friends start (and continue) having children their lives change. They are no longer available whenever, they can no longer guarantee anything anymore. Luckily for them, they are going to have other friends who are having babies who can relate. But what about those of us who choose not to reproduce?? There is a stage of loneliness that lasts until your friends kids are more grown up. During this time period you more than likely will flock to older friends or possibly even younger ones who don’t yet have children. We all have a need to be liked and to spend time with friends. The truth is it’s much easier to do when you don’t have children. It’s not impossible but it does become more difficult once a little one is dependent on you. Additionally your priorities aren’t the same any more (or at least they shouldn’t be!). Childless couples are still focusing on doing things for each other and their finances flow a bit more freely with no extra expenses to worry about unlike their counterparts.

Now I’m not saying that you will lose certain friends should you choose to have children or not have children BUT things do become a lot more complicated and sparse.  During this time you should try to remember that your friends aren’t abandoning you…they’re just simply busier now than they used to be. This is hard for me to remember sometimes. Occasionally it feels like the universe is punishing me because I don’t want children. Since it isn’t the norm it is hard at times. People are always asking why and how come and saying that I should and that it’s a pity because I’d make a great mother. Who’s to say this is true? And who’s to say THAT’S the reason why I choose not to have children? Trust me, choosing not to reproduce is not a pity nor is it a shame. Nor is there anything wrong with this choice. There are bouts of solitude however but it’s not painful enough to make my own mini companion.

I will always have friends who make time for me and other friends who share the same choice in life as I do and are therefore more available. But because it isn’t the most popular of choice, it is emotionally difficult at times. I suppose it’s difficult anytime your life takes a turn and heads in a different direction than your friends'—Kids vs. No Kids being one of the biggest ones. I suggest you keep your friends but also get some new ones whose lives are more parallel to your own. Once things settle down a bit you will be glad you have all your old friends and new ones as well. Just don’t get offended in the meantime if it seems you don’t have much in common anymore…you will likely find some common ground once again.

Body Realization

 

Yesterday I looked at some photos that were taken right after I bought my house in 2008. I looked at the pictures of myself and thought “damn, I look skinny.” Well compared to my size today I was. But that’s not what saddened me. What saddened me is that I remember that day. I remember getting ready and having “nothing” to wear. I remember feeling fat and ugly. I remember settling on something I didn’t feel very comfortable in but feeling like I really had no other options. The saddest part about this remembrance is that I have never felt comfortable with my body no matter what size it’s been. I thought this time would be different. I keep telling myself, sure I wasn’t comfortable back then but now if I were that size I would be. But um…I can also remember thinking that very thought on other occasions after ballooning up a bit and then back down. It didn’t matter, it was never good enough. I have NEVER felt good about my body. So as I try so hard right now to get into shape and become a healthy person once again I am disturbed by the fact that even if I lose some weight and get into the best shape of my life, I am still not going to love my body. Wow.

I have got to learn how to love myself inside AND OUT no matter what size I am. I have little idea of how to do this but I am going to try. I have never been taught to love my appearance. What I have been taught is how to pick people apart, pointing out all their flaws, including my own. I have tried to pick out certain features before that I DO like and try to focus on those but quickly I fall back into thinking “yeah but look at my _____”. I must put an end to this. Because if I don’t I still will never be happy with how I look. I want to keep tricking myself into thinking that this time will be different but that has never been the case and I must try something new that might work instead of failing over and over.

I am going to continue to eat healthy and work out to some degree daily. I have also decided to include Bikram yoga back into my life. This practice was so good for me not only physically but mentally as well. And mental reshaping is what I need most right now. I am also going to try to point out positives about my body and steer away from the negatives. We all have things we wish we could change. Someone out there is jealous of whatever you feel your flaws are though…try to remember that. I hate looking at pictures of myself right now because I look round and fat and it just breaks my heart to see myself like that. However, now instead of focusing on THAT I want to try and focus on how happy I look. And focus on the inner beauty I know I possess pushing through.

This is not going to be easy. But what a sobering thought to realize that no matter how my body looks I am never going to be happy with it unless I teach my mind to love it NOW. All these work out infomercials showing people happy and vibrant after they’ve lost weight is crap. I mean, they might really feel good and proud of their accomplishments, as they should, but the true reality is that I bet they still don’t have anything to wear. And I bet they still wish they had this or that or could just lose 5 more pounds. I vow to only wear clothes I feel comfortable in, no matter what size they are. And I vow to compliment myself on my appearance quietly to myself until I believe it. Those of you who also suffer with body dysmorphic disorder know how personal of a struggle it really is. Others could compliment me all day long and I still see myself as gross. It really is sad because it holds me back from so many things. 

Well, enough is enough. It’s time to start loving myself from the inside out. And it’s time to start doing so NOW.

Knowing When To Stop

In the past I’ve only considered two categories of fullness:

Full and Stuffed.

The first I thought was alright…I mean the whole point of eating is to fulfill a hunger so you should feel full right? And then if you go too far you become stuffed which is bad. It leaves you feeling gross and bloated and it’s just not good to overeat. Well, I have learned of a new category—satisfied.

I always equaled satisfied with being full but they really are two different feelings. Most everyone’s body does certain things when it gets hungry to alert the individual that “Hey! It’s time to eat!” but when do those feelings and sounds subside? When you take your first bite? Probably not. Or maybe for a second but then seconds later you will still feel hungry. So when does your body actually stop telling you it’s hungry? Whenever that point is, that is when you become satisfied, at least internally. I know that some people need to be visually satisfied when they eat and they might not achieve this at the first sign of hunger pains diminishing. My point here today however is to talk about becoming internally satisfied.

How do most people determine when to stop eating? Do you fill your plate and clean it with your tongue? Do you portion out your meals according to some guideline you know of? Or maybe you overload your plate and eat until you’re full, getting rid of the rest? I am guilty of all three methods. I was taught, as many were, to eat everything on your plate. To not do so is being rude. And sometimes pre-portioning is too little and other times it’s too much! Ahhhh! What to do?!?

EAT ONLY UNTIL YOU’RE SATISFIED.

This concept sounds easy and obvious to be quite honest. However, the reasons listed above about learning to recognize satisfaction over fullness and then doing it is not easy at all. This stems back to childhood. As kids someone else fixed our plates for us. We couldn’t be the judge of when we’d had enough to eat. Kids’ brains are not advanced enough to truly decipher what is best. And since we are conditioned to eat this certain way as kids, often it spills over into adulthood causing overeating problems.

Learning to eat healthy is one thing but almost as equally important, I believe, is learning to eat until satisfied NOT until full or stuffed. There are a couple approaches of I’m trying to learn. They are outlined below:

1. Learn that it’s okay not to finish what’s on your plate. Foods can always be saved, even small amounts. And if you don’t want to save something small, throw it away! Throwing it away is much better than stuffing it in your face just to not be wasteful.
2. Eat SLOWLY. Enjoy the foods you taste and really concentrate on what signals your body is sending you. This is hard especially when something tastes really good or when you have a time constraint but it is possible.
3. When your body is telling you it’s not hungry anymore STOP. Even if this means you become hungry again in 30 minutes. If that happens, eat again in 30 minutes! It will take some practice to learn how much to eat at one given time to stay satisfied for around 2 hours or so. And until you reach this point, eat as often as your body tells you to. It WILL become less frustrating and inconvenient with time.
4. Enjoy how you feel! You’re stomach will feel light yet satisfied. It really is a great feeling.

There are definitely times when this methodology is more conducive than others. I work at an office where I can have food on my desk at all times if I wish. A lot of people do not have that luxury. That is why it’s important to learn how much should be eaten to stay satisfied for around 2 hours until you can maybe take a break and eat again. I don’t know. There are always excuses of why people can’t or won’t do things. But I feel if becoming healthy is something that is really important to you, as it has become to me recently, then you can and will find a way to achieve your goals including eating until you’re satisfied, no more, no less.

This ties in with my blog from yesterday because I believe that if I keep my focus on being healthy, including this concept, transformation of my body in a positive way will take place. But either way, the great feeling of only being satisfied as opposed to full or stuffed is totally worth it to me…and hopefully you too :)

Diet and Exercise Gold Mine

Do you know the reasons you diet and exercise? Those two words go hand in hand (or so media has us believing) to mean “ways to lose weight”. Then when the word diet became taboo its new meaning was synonymous with “food”. Saying “my diet consists of…” no longer means “my cut-back, healthy foods consist of…” but rather “my food consists of…” that way it can be marketed without appearing to be “special” foods to help you lose weight. So we are taught that we must pay attention to our diets (food) and exercise in order to lose weight. And while this is true whatever happened to the real reason we should be doing these things—to become and/or remain healthy?

I guess companies couldn’t make any money that way. Could you imagine an infomercial promoting a healthy diet and exercise plan for the sheer purpose of feeling good?! Of course not! That’s not good enough! We all want to shed some fat and mold our bodies into whatever these programs tells us is sexy. Right?! Wrong. Actually my answer was right until very recently when I decided to shift my focus.

I have struggled with body image for as long as I can remember, as I’m sure a lot of you out there have as well. We all want to look good and be desired, we want to feel sexy and unashamed to strut out by the pool in a bikini. And guys want their tanned arms cut with muscles while wearing a sleeveless top and they want their pecks to be more than just some saggy moobs. All of this is fine but how about those of us who are miserable all the time…so uncomfortable in our own skin? We try so hard to eat right and exercise, hoping…waiting for the weight to come off and when it never does (or it does then rapidly comes back) we’re right back to feeling miserable again.

I was recently asked if I considered myself to be healthy. I didn’t have to think very long before I answered “Yes.” Blood work at the doctor later proved this to be right. Every test ran was in the healthy range despite the fact that I am overweight. And according to the BMI chart I’m obese! This is not true however as I have weighed heavy my entire life. Two different friends of mine, who are the same height as me, told me that when they weighed what I do right now they were at least 3 sizes in clothes bigger than me sooooo…I am not obese but I definitely am overweight and could stand to lose some fat…around 20 pounds worth but I do feel and am healthy.

I exercise regularly and eat healthy. So why am I not losing any weight? I’ll tell you why…because I have been “good” for the reason of wanting to lose weight and not to remain healthy. I do like to eat healthy now, just to be healthy (it took me years to get to this point though) but as far as exercise goes, my main reason for exercising has still been to help me lose weight. Boy, what a mistake this has been. When I don’t see results I get very discouraged which in turn affects my eating habits (sometimes even just subliminally) which as you well know, does bad things to body weight. What a vicious cycle I’ve been on for years!

I know how to diet (old definition) and exercise to lose weight but I know it’s only temporary. So I learned how to diet (new definition) to become and then remain healthy and now I need to get my exercising to this point as well. What this is allowing me to do is STOP WORRYING! I’m no longer depressed when I don’t see my weight decrease. In fact I got rid of my scale a few months ago and no longer have any idea how much I weigh. It has been nice. My body is not where I want it right now but at least I feel healthy. And that needs to be more important to me than trying to become “sexy”. Okay, so I have the food part down now what about the exercise part??

Going to the gym without the intent of busting as much ass as possible is going to be tough. That is what I am used to doing. My new intent needs to be to go and do at least 30 minutes at whatever intensity I feel like that day. I know to switch it up to condition my heart and other internal functions but other than that…that is all I need to be thinking about- at least 30 minutes of whatever. No more 1.5-2 hour sweat fests of killing myself every day to try to lose weight. Now if I spend that long at the gym it needs to be because I’m having fun and I don’t care if I lose weight or not, I know it’s a proven fact that exercise is good for my body—both physically and mentally.

I strongly believe that once I start behaving in this way I will become even healthier than I am now. That is probably going to mean losing weight but if it doesn’t that’s okay too. So I’m a little overweight! That’s okay. I know I’m healthy and I know how hard I work to stay that way. The other perks will follow. Until that time I will try and learn to love the body I have now, reminding myself that it’s a healthy body. I do think that one day I will be comfortable in my skin visually but until then I need to be focused and happy with the body I have internally. I know a lot of skinny people who are far unhealthier than I am. Skinny does not equal healthy by any stretch of the imagination.

MY NEW FOCUS: Eat healthy and exercise to remain healthy. Period.

Losing weight will naturally follow. I have to trust this. And more importantly I have to trust that if it doesn’t happen than it’s okay—I’ll still be one healthy broad! :)

Tough Mudder Arizona 2012

“Why?! Why do you do these things to yourself?!”

That’s been a common question I’m asked when people see the bruises and scrapes I received from completing Tough Mudder this weekend. I mostly laugh it off because I feel that trying to explain it to them would serve no purpose. They will still just see it as a pointless activity that does harm to my body. Little do they know the rewards that come with each and every bruise, sore muscle, swollen joint, and multiple scrapes far outweighs the visible damage they see.

I will be the first to admit that I was in no shape to run the Tough Mudder event. So much has been going on in my life lately that my health routine got tossed to the wayside and I just recently decided to get back on track with it. I had planned on skipping this event altogether because I was embarrassed by my lack of commitment to train for what is called “The Toughest Event on the Planet.” I would surely be a joke and I had no business competing with the people who actually prepared. But that’s just it…TM is not a competition. It is a test of courage, strength, and camaraderie. Remembering that and receiving encouraging texts to still go from my buddy Dave, I decided I would not give up before I even started.

I knew my performance would not be nearly as good as I had originally hoped when I signed up several months earlier but I decided that I would have to be okay with that. My goal was to finish and to at least attempt every obstacle. I decided not to worry about my performance as much as just getting through it. Little did I know my calves would decide to continually cramp and seize up on me starting just before mile 5. The event was 12.5 miles long. Not even half way through and my legs were not cooperating. Great. How would I be able to complete the course with legs that kept locking up? Slow and steadily that’s how. I was not going to quit. I would never have lived with myself had I given up. I would have to continue on and do my best despite the struggles I was enduring.

I had planned on putting all fears aside and using my mind power to force me to do all that I am afraid of. Well, that’s a little easier said than done, haha. I DID do a couple things I’m afraid of but I also chickened out on some others. I’m okay with that though. I thought I’d be more disappointed than I am but I’m not. Individually, none of the obstacles were so difficult they couldn’t be done but put them all together and each one became that much harder. Wait, I take it back…the Berlin Walls were nasty. I cleared one and decided not to even attempt any of the other ones. At 12 feet high, muddy, wet, and slippery with no help up but a little slab of wood about 3 feet up and fellow Mudders straddling the top to help pull people up, this was not my obstacle. My fear of falling and lack of upper body strength kept me from completing the 4 sets of two or three through-out the course.

The most challenging event for me (besides those ugly walls) was the high jump into the 12 ft of water below. The climb to get up to the jumping platform was hard enough but once I looked over the edge fear came over me and I was petrified to jump. This really surprised me. I’m not afraid of heights but falling and water are not my friends. I stood up there probably 40 minutes (yes, you read that correctly) trying to convince myself to jump from 15 feet in the air. But my fear won and I ended up going back down. I was pretty disappointed but proud of myself for staying up there that long and not giving up right away.

The obstacle I surprised myself the most on was probably the one called Arctic Enema. Yep. You had to jump into ice water, swim underneath a board and come up the other side in even more ice. Sounds easy enough right? Well again, I have a fear of water and was really dreading this obstacle. Surprisingly I did it with no issues. I tend to get disoriented in water very easily but didn’t this time despite how cold and scared I was.

There were several obstacles I did modified versions of. For instance, jumping from mud platform to mud platform… Instead I jumped down in the ditch and pulled myself up the other side (with assistance most of the time). I think that was the more tiring way to go but I didn’t trust my jumping abilities. I enjoyed the obstacles that had us crawling or squeezing in and out of pipes or underground trenches. I thought those ones were fun and much nicer to my comfort zone.

And then there was my least favorite and most favorite obstacle. These obstacles were actually the same one if you can believe that- Electroshock Therapy. I loved and hated it for different reasons. I actually enjoyed getting shocked! I mean that shit hurt but it was such a different feeling. I have never been shocked before and it was surprising to me to experience what it does to your body! These were 10,000 volt shocks and when you got hit by one it would knock you down! I loved seeing big, strong me get thrown to the mud like sacks of potatoes! The obstacle was set up to where there was a few feet of mud water that you could either go belly down and scoot along or try to run through. The crowd could see when the operator of the obstacle would turn off the electricity and they would yell at everyone to get up and run! That was fine until it got turned back on and you were shocked repeatedly knocking you back down into the mud! The reason I hated this obstacle is because it was the only one that people weren’t polite about. When the crowd yelled “run!” participants didn’t care who was in the way, they stood up and trampled those of us on the ground. That I could have done without. But the experience of something new I liked. It definitely hurt though!

Overall the event was put together well and all the participants were very nice, helpful, and encouraging. It was great to see so many people come together and focus more on helping to assure everyone finished rather than making the best individual time. Everyone waited their turn and no one made fun of anyone for being scared to do any of the obstacles. I felt very comfortable and encouraged. I also had an amazing teammate who was held back because of me but never complained about it. He was very supportive and stuck by me the entire time. I definitely know the things I want to train for—jumping across things, pulling myself up things, and jumping into water from high up. I also need to work on my overall strength and endurance. This event put some motivation in me and made me realize that you really can do anything you set your mind to.

So why do I do these types of events? To remind myself that I am stronger than I think I am. To remind myself that mind really does win over matter. And to be a part of something that donates to a great cause and teaches you the importance of overcoming your fears and doing your personal best. I might barely be able to move today but at least I’m alive and able. Thank you to all the wounded warriors out there who allow me to live freely. It’s because of you that this weekend I became a Tough Mudder.

Caution: Sap ahead...in poem form

You Are My Love

I have no idea how I ever got along without you.

Our minds are so beautifully intertwined.

Our logic bouncing down the same dirt road.

At least half of my ability to love never reached capacity without you.

My lips grinned wide but my heart never made it past a smirk.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

At least I knew what I thought it should be.

How we merged together to become something spectacular

I will forever be grateful.

My days shine brighter, my nights glow softer.

You tell me I am beautiful and maybe you are right

For I have never felt as gorgeous as I do knowing you love me.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

And then I learned love could be so much more.

It’s the feeling of suffocating at the thought of ever losing you.

It’s the invisible touch of your hand in mine when I need it most.

It’s the excitement I feel at the mere sight of you smiling.

And it’s knowing that no matter what day, time, or location

I can feel a halo of affection protecting me and all my feelings.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

And then I met you.

My beliefs suddenly flattened by care and attention.

My views whittled into something I now laugh at.

You made it easy to hear me.

You made it easy to feel me.

And you made it easy to love me.

Now I’m sure I know what love is…

It’s the intense desire and need I feel when I think of you.

The Feeling of Need

I just realized that I sort of left my last story hanging…

Since I last posted I have seen John two times. Once when he came out to Tucson and then again when I went back East for Thanksgiving to be with him. So it’s apparent, after saying that, that things went well right? RIGHT. Things went so extremely well that I had my flight booked for Thanksgiving before he was even on the plane back home to Mass!

It’s hard to describe what it was like when John showed up at my house for the first time. I had been up for several hours in anticipation and excitement and as the time got closer to him showing up the more I felt like I was going to puke. I must have peed 10 times in that last hour and my heart was racing. Of course we were used to looking at each other over Skype but it was much different in real life. I guess there is nervousness for any new couple but since that moment had been built up for a month it was extra intense. But just as we thought, things went really well. We were comfortable and familiar enough with one another that things just clicked and we got along better than I even expected. There were no awkward moments and you could feel our excitement bouncing around the room. It was apparent we were equally pleased with how this monumental event was going.

Meeting his family for the first time for Thanksgiving couldn’t have gone better either! Everyone was so kind and welcoming that it would have been impossible for me to not feel comfortable and accepted. John had some concerns of his family’s behavior but I absolutely loved them. They were all very down to earth, fun, real people that I could relate to well. These were no bullshit types of people who constantly threw around jokes and humor which is exactly what I love.

I could go on and on about how his trip out here went or how my trip there went but there is something more important that I want to turn the focus toward—the moment I felt something different than I’ve ever felt before. The moment I felt so overwhelmed with admiration and emotion I basically freaked the fuck out. It was the moment I felt like I needed John. Not just that I wanted him in my life, not just that I really like him, and not just that I felt I should say I need him because guys like that stuff, but the actual feeling of need. (This hit me inbetween trips).

Those of you who know me well know this is not something I typically feel. In fact I’ve been known to boast about not needing anyone for anything because let’s face it, love is not a necessity of life. And even as much as I love my friends I know that without them I wouldn’t die. And I guess that’s always the “hard core” way I’ve looked at things. To me “need” is something that without it you’ll die. Silly me! Why I’m so rigid with my words I’m not sure but I am. If I take the rigidity out of it however, I do in fact need my friends in order to feel a level of happiness I otherwise couldn’t achieve on my own. And that’s just it…there are many levels of happiness in life. The following is a series of diagrams of my moods and how they’ve fluctuated. Upon realizing these differences it has made me realize that I do in fact need John to reach a level of happiness I’ve never known before. This was by no means an easy realization for me. I completely freaked out! You see, feeling THAT happy is completely foreign to me…I was pretty sure it was unattainable. There are many reasons John is able to see me at this level. Many reasons that no one has offered to me before. The biggest is his ability to “get” me and to be there for me emotionally. I have been forever told that I’m hard to understand and that you have to be careful with how you are toward me. I’ve never quite understood this but accepted it to be true since so many people have expressed this to me. To know that there is someone that understands me and knows just what to say and how to behave toward me is amazing. Of course that’s not all there is but that plays a huge part into me accepting that I need someone…I need John.

To reach the age of 32 (damn near anyway) and never having known what extreme happiness is makes it that much sweeter now that I do. I have claimed to be happy before, and I often am. However, this kind of happiness is completely different. And I know that I say “this time is different” a lot too but this time is not only different but a whole new experience for me. My world would be turned upside down without John in it. That is hard for me to admit. I like that he gets to see the vulnerable side of me though and that I’m not afraid to show it to him (well sometimes it takes a while for me to get there but I eventually do). I feel safe with him.

If you’ve never experienced a (healthy) feeling of need for someone then I say keep looking. Don’t settle for good when amazing can be achieved. Don’t stay close to extreme happiness when you can go above that line. I can try to explain it but honestly it’s a feeling that can only be felt and when it hits you, you’ll wonder how you ever got through life without it. Or maybe you’ve always been a happy person and this type of thing happens all the time for you. But for ME, happiness is not easy and extreme happiness is down right foreign…until now. This should explain a little better the excitement and enthusiasm I have for my future. This is the real deal and my smile couldn’t be bigger.