Ahhh, to be in love :)

Perfection

Through the tunnel,
Back up and over,
You crawled into my heart.
Uncertain it began, unwilling I felt.
Happy all alone.
A gentleman from the start,
Respected boundaries among.

Then it happened.

I saw you for the man that you are.
A father, a hard worker, a responsible
Dedicated, strong man you became
In my new color blind eyes.
It was then I knew that I wanted you for mine.
You amaze and inspire me every day.
We wildly mesh and bring out our best.
Our timing right on, our pace gone perfect.
In your embrace is where I feel my safest.
To never lose you is my desire,
To never hurt you is my promise.
As much as I know that perfect doesn’t exist
For me and my imperfect self, you are
Perfection.
Unconditionally you and unconditionally me
We unconditionally accept and let each be.
I know the true you and
I enjoy every part.
I know my smile won’t fade and
Of this I’m deeply certain.

You are It for me.

Mi amor siempre,
Besos para ti, te amo muchos.

No Games Here

It was recently told to me that I play “lovers games”. I cannot express enough how much this phrase pissed me off. This statement came about because in the past year or so I have dated a few different guys. How this relates to playing games I’m not sure though. To imply that just because I’ve had different boyfriends means I’m just playing around is absurd and offensive. In fact I do just the opposite. If I were playing games then I’d still be dating them. That’s the difference though… I know what I want and if I don’t get it, then I move on. I don’t see what’s wrong with that. How am I supposed to find someone who is right for me if I don’t date different people?? Am I supposed to latch on to the first thing that shows interest in me and never let him go whether or not he meets up to my standards?! Again, this is crazy talk. Do I have high standards? Damn straight. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t unless maybe they offer less than that themselves. Well I don’t. I’ve spent a long time thinking that I was undateable. I’d get the same complaints guy after guy. Finally I decided that the complaints that they had weren’t because I’m a bad person but rather that our personalities didn’t mesh well enough. So that’s what I’ve come up with. I AM a dateable person I just needed to be happy being me and doing my own thing for long enough to realize that and embrace it. And then when the time was right, someone would come along who not only allows me to be myself but who GETS me. That time came a lot sooner than I thought it would but I’m happy that it did. For once I feel secure and loved unconditionally. For once I feel at peace and just all around happy. There is nothing quite as great as knowing I can be myself, bad parts and all, and know that my boyfriend isn’t going to walk on eggshells, isn’t going to ridicule me or overly praise me, isn’t going to ignore me, and certainly isn’t going to leave me. Am I glad that I dated before meeting him? Absolutely. For if I hadn’t our timing wouldn’t have been right. Did I play with people’s hearts in order to get where I’m at today? Of course not. I hold people’s feelings in a high regard. And in return people need to be positive and happy for me. I’m tired of the “good lucks” and the “be cautious” and the implications that my life and others’ is some kind of game for me. It’s not. Not that I have to prove myself to anyone but if people are truly my friends perhaps they should think a little bit more before making light of something I take so seriously. I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time now and don’t need the approval of anyone. What I need is for people to trust that I know what is best for me and leave it at that.

My Secret to Happiness

Can you honestly say that you love yourself? Can you say that you are happy with who you are and fully accept that person? This is a much more difficult task then it sounds. Or maybe it’s just me but I have finally come to realize that I am a good person and I am worth loving. I’m a strong believer in continuously and consistently working on self-improvements. This is something I plan to do for the rest of my life. For the most part I love who I have become. I used to think I was damaged and difficult and even unlovable at times. What a miserable life that was for me. So how did I learn to accept the me that I’ve become?

I would like to attribute it all to hard work and dedication but that would be a lie. A huge part of it is all my failed relationships and the support from my friends. I’ve been treated worse than I’d like to admit by men who I loved so much. I was convinced that things didn’t work because we must not be compatible enough which was based largely on the fact that I thought I was too difficult. Well a couple months ago I decided that I’m no more difficult than others. I am in fact a good person and I am not difficult to love. How can I have so many friends who love me if that were the case? I had accepted that I would be okay to be single for the rest of my life if it meant I could continue to be me and live comfortably as that.

No, this isn’t a “woe is me” type of statement. I could get a boyfriend and I could make it work. I’m just tired of trying to make things work. I just want to be me and for things to feel natural and unforced. And if I can’t find that, then that’s okay. I’d rather be alone and happy. And that’s really when it sunk in…the secret to being happy. The secret is as simple as- loving yourself. I mean, truly deeply loving yourself. You need to be alone in order to do this. If you don’t think you’re a good person or there is some flaw that has you in disgust, then work on it. But whatever you do, don’t try to find someone who will love you “as is” if you can’t even love yourself. Again, I could find people to love me how I am. And in fact, I’ve done so in the past. It wasn’t right though. It’s not fair to anyone to be this way when I couldn’t even love myself.

After you’ve accepted yourself then, and only then can you try to find someone special to share that with. It needs to be someone who also accepts themselves. Not only that but you have to be compatible with them. Wow…that’s a lot of good timing and chance! But I assure you it’s possible. Is it a hard, lonely road? Yes, it certainly can be. It’s easy to give in to the idea that someone loves you and to try and make something out of that. However, in the long run it doesn’t work. At least for me it never has. I can say that being patient is definitely worth it. I hope accepting yourself is easier for you then it has been for me. But either way once you get there, life becomes good. And finding someone to share your happiness with makes it that much sweeter.

Running Blues

My focus is all over the place lately. There is some family drama that is causing me a ton of unwelcomed stress. This has caused my diet and exercise structure to turn to shit. I have continued to run but that’s about it. Instead of working out, I meet up with friends for dinner and drinks. Granted, I have always done this but it’s usually only post-workout and not a replacement. So my weight has gone up a tad and my mood and esteem of myself has gone down the toilet. I ran my first ever ½ marathon yesterday though. As much as my running has sucked lately, I somehow felt exceptionally well during the race and finished faster than I thought I would! I’m still very slow so it took me 2:46:30 to finish but for me, that’s good. This course was difficult as it was full of hills. I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me a little that no one came out to support me. I guess I got spoiled on the full I ran in January. At least I had my teammates- Bertha, Myrna, Sara, and Marsha. We all ended up coming in at different times but we congratulated each other just the same. It is true that I run for ME but if I ran alone AND there was no one there to say “Congratulations!” at the end, I’m not sure I would keep it up. Maybe I would but it would be a lot more difficult to motivate myself and stay on track so to speak. I’m not upset that no one came out…I know that people have things going on, I guess I was just a little sad. My mood has not been great lately and it’s a lot harder to keep myself smiling. Good thing running makes me feel so good! I didn’t let it keep me down. I went and picked up some food and headed home to soak in the tub for a while. Just like with any sport…people can’t show up to cheer you on all the time for your event. You have to be able to cheer yourself on and do well for your own satisfaction. I mean, it feels great to finish something that’s so difficult for me whether or not there are any external people there to share it with. I just need to remember not to take it personally and know that people do support me whether or not they’re there. Hopefully soon this drama I’ve been dealing with will go away and I’ll be feeling like myself again.

Old, not wise, Forehead

I looked in the mirror today and I looked old. I have some wrinkles forming on my forehead that I knew would seep out sooner or later. I have spent a lot of my life scowling and now it’s apparent as the lines on my face tell everyone. They’re barely there (right now) but they’re there nonetheless. I was waiting for the day when I’d look at my reflection and see an aged image of myself. I think that day has come. People tell me I look young for my age all the time and while that may be true, I know I don’t look as young as some people imply. I see college aged girls and I think they look so tiny, so young, so inexperienced. I definitely don’t look like them. I’m okay with aging. What I’m really afraid of is getting old and sick. I try to stay healthy so that when I’m in my 80’s I can still do the things that I enjoy. Aging is probably going to be weird for me but I think I can handle it as long as I can remain active. Still, today I noticed my first real wrinkle forming and I can’t help but to imagine the rest coming in and aging me dramatically. I would like to stay looking young for a bit longer. Age does not sophisticate women like it does men. And I know that aging is inevitable.I just hope it's a slow moving process for me.

Recurring Struggles

I’ve worked so hard to move past all of the pain and hurt. I’ve worked so hard at becoming a better person…a good person. I push myself because I choose to do so, not because someone has told me I should. Life is almost never easy for me. I struggle daily. And just when I thought breathing was a little bit easier I am reminded of everything I hate about myself and I start to slide backwards into a hole of depression. This time the hole is pretty deep. Luckily some other good things have taken place to help pull me out a bit but I’m still pretty far gone and basically numb to most everything. I believe that as soon as I get some solid answers about the stressors I’m dealing with, I can begin to heal myself further and come out of this stronger than before. I really hope this is the case anyway. It needs to be the case. I haven’t worked as many years as I have to repair my spirit to lose it all now. I just received a promotion at work and I can’t even be happy about it. I was for about two days and now I’m just overwhelmed with other thoughts. I just need some answers. The hurt and pain will go away. I am a good person. I’ve worked hard to become a good person with happiness and I will continue to move in that direction if it takes everything I’ve got.

So if I haven’t been myself lately or the good friend I know I should be, I apologize. My mind has not been quite right lately.

Feelings Are Reality

You can’t take away someone’s feelings. Something that really bothers me that I see people doing a lot is trying to take away the hurt and pain someone is feeling. I hear “just remember it could always be worse” and “here you are complaining when your problems aren’t half as bad as so-and-so’s”. Well I think these statements are crap. There will always be someone worse off then you as well as someone better off. Does that mean you can’t enjoy your good times or feel bad about the hard times?! Of course not. No one likes someone who brags and steals the spotlight. Well I equally don’t like it when someone tries to belittle my feelings of sadness or being scared or any other “less than happy” emotion. They are MY feelings, let me feel them. I do the same for others. I don’t always understand people’s emotions. I wish I did but I don’t. I do however have compassion for people. I believe that every person is good. Evil does not exist and therefore everyone has the right to feel however they want about whatever they want. Do not try to lessen the pain because it’s not as big of a deal as someone else’s problems. All I know is MY OWN life and if that means I’m distraught about something, I should be able to feel that way without being made to feel bad about getting upset over something you might think is petty. Everyone’s problems are real problems if that’s the way they feel. You can’t take away someone’s feelings so please don’t try.