On Cloud Nine-hundred Ninety-Nine

Alive in Me

Twisting and turning,
Crawling.
Your energy floats out of you
And into
Me.
It pulsates my veins and
Lightens my head.
Our perceptions on life
Intertwine and passionately
Grab hold of each other,
Sweat dripping,
Breaths gasping,
Limbs twitching.
Slowly grinding,
Slamming,
Choking,
Meshing together,
The excitement it contains.
In and out,
Up and down,
Writhing in pleasure.
Keep it alive,
Keep it…
ALIVE.
ALIVE!
Your mind is alive in mine.

Speechless

Time for a happy blog. It may involve tears but I assure you it’s good.

Have you ever met someone who has inadvertently made you cry? And I don’t mean they said something hurtful or something sweet while you were going through a hard time or anything like that. I mean someone who says something and you are so blown away by it you can’t help but shed some tears? This has happened to me a couple times recently. I am so in awe by certain people’s ability to “get” me and to know just what to say to demonstrate they see right through my wall of emotional protection. It’s amazing how many years I’ve spent building up this wall and how no one has ever really been able to break through it. Now that I’m much more in-tuned with myself and I know what I need in life to make myself happy I believe I’m ready to tear down the wall…slowly but surely. However, what if someone doesn’t need me to?! What if they just “get” me enough to penetrate right through it?! It literally takes my breath away…

Bluntness

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a blunt person. I don’t believe in beating around the bush and speaking in hidden meanings. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. If something is bothering me I will speak up about it. If I feel uncomfortable, I will let you know. The alternative would be to just deal with things even though it would cause me discomfort all to spare your feelings. Wait…hold on… It’s not to spare the other person’s feelings! It’s to spare your own feelings! Think about it…

Let’s say you have a friend- “Brutus” that likes to talk your ear off on the phone and it bores you to no end. Instead of saying “Hey Brutus…you bore me” you will often say nothing. Instead you avoid Brutus’ calls all while letting other people know that Brutus bores the shit out of you. Your friends will laugh and say “Yeah, that Brutus sure does know how to talk.”

How are you sparing Brutus’ feelings by not being honest??? What you’re actually doing is avoiding telling him the truth because it’s hard to be honest sometimes. Being honest makes YOU uncomfortable. However, you would rather sit there and “make fun of” Brutus to others thinking it’s no big deal. I think that’s awful. And this is why I like to tell people how I feel.

This does not come without a huge backlash however. I realize that I am not the norm when it comes to expressing the truth. People tell me all day long that they want me to be honest with them. They laugh when they hear of a time I was honest with someone else and say “Wow. That’s so cool you are able to do that!” BUT when it’s their turn to get a dose of honesty they are no longer laughing. They no longer think I’m cool for telling it how I see it. They get hurt. They get offended. They get defensive. They get every which way but grateful and appreciative. This has caused me to try to be subtle when letting people know how I feel. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings! But if they still don’t get it I will come right out and say it. I don’t see any other way to handle things while still respecting them as a person. Does this sometimes make me uncomfortable though? YES! I don’t want to be viewed as the “bad guy” or as a “bitch” because I’m not those things. I just don’t see why I should have to go on being uncomfortable or bothered by something just because it’s difficult to tell the truth. Just because in doing so I sometimes hurt people.

I hope everyone who knows me knows that I can take it as well as I can dish it, so to speak. If I bother you…tell me! Constructively would be preferred but even without suggestions and examples I would rather you tell ME I suck then avoid me and go behind my back and tell everyone else.

Social Anxiety Strikes Again!

My social anxiety has been fierce lately. There are certain aspects of social anxiety that I have no problem with but others that completely paralyze me at times. This is hard for me to admit but here are some of my anxious behaviors:

I do not like being the center of attention under any circumstance. I get physical ailments such as upset stomach, shakiness, and excessive sweating.

When out in public I am certain everyone is staring at me and evaluating me and my every move including how I look. This causes extreme discomfort.

Often times I will refrain from simple tasks such as grocery shopping or going some place new for fear that everyone will be watching me and making fun of me.

Some of you may find this hard to believe. Amy doesn’t care what other people think! And in one way I don’t. I really don’t. The thing I have a problem with is my self-worth. If I think I look fat or am going to look stupid I will not do what I set out to do because I don’t want people to perceive me as lazy even though that’s exactly what I am! I know I am better than this though. I guess I only care what people think about me if I agree with them. The other interesting thing is that if I am with someone else I become this super brave person who will do anything! I guess that’s why people are always shocked when they find out certain things really cause me anxiety. These “attacks” only happen when I’m alone. It’s weird because for some reason when I’m with someone I think that others will be thinking “She may be _____ but at least she has a friend who accepts her.” And so then I feel in control and less exposed to ridicule. Isn’t this just ridiculous?! It really, really is and even I know this but struggle daily to overcome it.

A few things I have kept from doing are:

Trying out a new car wash that I had a FREE coupon from just because I had never been there before and wasn’t sure where to pull in. I ended up at the car wash I’m comfortable with, paying for my wash and driving out of the way to get there.

Not getting out of my car and picking a spot at the park for a picnic. I attempted to…even got out and walked a ways before freaking out and heading back to my car to wait. I blamed it on not being sure where he’d want to sit. Sorry Ben…it was actually my fear of people staring at me…how embarrassing this is to admit.

Pulling into the gym parking lot, fully dressed in work out gear and ready to sweat! Only to sit there for about 5 minutes debating with myself about why I should or shouldn’t go inside. I ended up driving away out of fear. Fear that everyone would be staring at me and making fun of me and my fat ass. I later felt depressed that I let myself down like that.

Even typing all of this out has brought tears to my eyes. Why am I so hard on myself? Why am I so afraid for people to look at me? Why must I always assume they’re thinking bad thoughts? It really is debilitating. I know all the tools to try and reverse this and I even take a medication to help me out with my imbalance. However, it is still a HUGE struggle of mine. It takes so much effort and patience to try and fix this issue. I had been doing well for a long time but forgot to spend time on it and now I find myself plagued with anxiety again.

I am making this public not so that you can feed me full of compliments and tell me how great I am and to tell me to stop worrying but to make myself vulnerable and show my sensitive side. Not everyone gets to see this side of me…I try to mask it well. However I think it would be healthy for me to stop trying to have my brave face on all the time and admit my weaknesses as well. Of course all of my friends (those of you reading this) are going to tell me you think I’m great and should stop worrying so much. However, I need to get myself to stop worrying and being so damn hard on myself all the time. I know a huge first step is going to be to lose some weight. I know all the tools to make this happen as well, I just need to put them into play. I think I’m ready now.

Don't Ask, Just Do.

While I find the statement, “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know” very nice and thoughtful I have come to realize there is something else that is even better.

Don’t ask, just do.

What does this mean? Instead of saying “Is there anything I can do?” reach into your friend pouch of your brain and figure out what would make the person feel better and just do it. Many of us, especially in times of need, find it very difficult to ask for help. We don’t want to burden anyone. Well, guess what? That is what your friends are for! It’s still hard to do however. Even when someone offers to help, I often won’t ask because I feel like I should be able to handle my crisis on my own. I am getting better at asking for help though but it’s still difficult.

What I have found I really like and appreciate is when someone just does something to help me out instead of offering. They don’t ask…they just do! This is easiest to do when you really know someone and know what will be helpful. Not everyone handles things the same way so you need to be perceptive. Isn’t that what we should be to our friends anyway?? I try really hard to do this. When I see a friend who is going through a hard time I try not to ask what I can do but just help out instead. At the very least I will voice what I would LIKE to do and hope they allow me. It is so much easier to accept the help of someone if the idea was theirs then to say “This is what I need right now.”

Here are some examples in case I lost you in my wordy definition!

When I get sick my sister is usually the one who takes care of me. Sweet isn’t she? She will call and say “Can I bring you some food? What would you like?” Even if I tell her that I’m fine and that she really doesn’t have to go out of her way for me she will then say something like “Well at least let me bring you some medicine or do your dishes for you…is it okay if I stop by?” That is called doing and not just asking! She knows me well enough to know that I’m probably not going to call and ask her to drive across town to bring me some food. She also knows me well enough to know that I probably will pass on her offer but she knows I need some help and love and so she will word things in a way to where I more or less have to accept her help. She’s not pushy about it though. I can just tell that she cares enough to not be generic but to go above and beyond and act upon what she knows is best for me.

I propose that the next time you see your loved ones down and out instead of saying “If there is anything you need, let me know.” Instead say something like “Let’s get together for dinner tomorrow” or send them some flowers or something… anything that is an ACTUAL action instead of just an offer. Again, don’t get me wrong, I love offers as well! Just remember how hard it is for people to reach out and ask for help. So if you don’t make them ask, you are helping them out even more by letting them know you understand them AND you are there to help them out regardless.

Scary Times

I am concerned about the future!

In a world where texting pictures of cock n’ balls and watching people get fist fucked in the ass is of the norm, we have reason to be concerned! I am not a parent but find it equally as appalling that these things I just named are available to people of all ages with the touch, or click rather, of a button. These things may sound horrifying to some of you…especially any of you older than me. But be assured…people, including children! are being desensitized to this crap every day. When little Annie refuses a Cleveland Steamer and is later ridiculed by her peers because “C’mon! Everyone is doing it!” maybe you will start to get as scared as I have become! I am attempting a humorous spin to this because quite frankly any other way leaves me panicked and completely disgusted. But similar scenarios ARE real!

I believe we live in a time where parenting is of the utmost importance and unfortunately the term “parenting” has become a joke. People have kids like it was a sport. They want to bare children instead of working on themselves thinking that will solve all their problems. People just don’t seem to give a damn about offering guidance to their children any more. This makes me sad. All too often I see people expose their children to things they never should! Drugs, alcohol, bad language, irresponsibility, lying, etc…, etc… I could go on and on! Do you really think its okay to get drunk around your children? Do you really think its okay to take your kids to Las Vegas- the City of Sin!?

I understand you can’t shield your children from everything and I don’t think you should! However, choosing to act in a respectful way around your kids will go far. You may not think you’re damaging them by the things you do but trust me, you are. Kids need consistency and structure. They also need clear-minded, sound guidance. If you can’t contain your “adult” lifestyle long enough to properly raise your kids please don’t have any. If you can’t get along with your child’s mother/father please don’t have any. And if you’re not willing to be the best parent you can be PLEASE do not have children!

Disgusting acts and psychological strains are becoming more and more common place. I am scared to see what my generation’s children will grow up to be like. I hope that by then their kids will see the damage that has been done and work to reverse it. Better yet, I hope my generation (and others before me) will begin to do a better job and not accept reality as the norm. The norm is becoming quite scary and we should not accept it nor allow it.

Blog award

I would like to thank Dawna for giving me my first blog award!! You can check out her awesome blog at

The Chronicles of a Housewife

The rules state that I have to give an award away to 15 blogs that I like...Umm, I only know of a couple blogs since I am new to this whole thing. SO, I'm going to wait to pass out awards until I've had time to search and find some more that I find interesting. The other thing I have to do is tell you seven facts about myself. This I can do!

1. I have been depressed almost my entire life but have recently learned the secret to being happy- go ME!

2. I have not been to a movie theater in over 5 years…movies just aren’t my thing.

3. I know a lot about serial killers and killers in general. What?! It interests me.

4. If you gave me a book of algebra problems I would be happy. I love solving equations.

5. I am agnostic. Not to be confused with atheist.

6. Do not rub carpet in my presence...I do not like it!

7. My friends come before family. Family can earn spots as friends but they don’t get a free pass just because they are blood.

That's all I've got for now. Another big thanks to Miss Dawna Sue for passing along the blog award! I will display it proudly in my side bar...haha!

Offendinig vs. Disrespecting

There is definitely a difference between these two and I wish more people would realize this. Let me help you out…

It is true that it is nearly impossible to offend me. And I only say nearly because, although I can’t think of an example, I’m sure it can be done. This doesn’t stop people from trying though! In all honesty, I don’t actually think they set out trying to offend me but they do set out trying to say things that would be upsetting to the average individual testing me to see how I react. I can tell you that I will react the way I always do. You will not get a rise out of me like you were trying to do. What would be the point in that?

Sometimes things people say or do does hurt my feelings. Let me clarify. I am often appalled at how mean and disrespectful people are to me and my feelings for no reason other than to TRY to get a rise out of me…or to TRY to finally be the one to offend me. Just because my feelings get hurt does not me you have offended me. My feelings get hurt not by the content of what you said but by the complete disrespect you show towards me. If this doesn’t make sense let me give you an example:

Making comments about my past to people in my present.

I’m not even sure why anyone would do this but they do. Talking about the bad decisions I made while a kid doesn’t offend me though. What it does is completely disrespects me. Why would you say “Amy used to be a whore, haha”? The part that makes me angry is not that you exposed anything but that you didn’t have half the brain to consider how this might not be who I am any more. That without proper information to back that acquisition you really have no idea what you’re talking about. Labeling me a “whore” is not offensive. I understand why people have believed that to be true. Sharing specific examples to everyone about something I did many, many years ago is disrespectful though. What are you trying to prove? I will always admit to the things I have done.

I guess my point in this is to say “think before you speak!” You may think you’re being funny by trying so hard to get a rise out of me but all you’re doing is making yourself look like an ass. You will NOT get a rise out of me, you will NOT offend me, but you will however go down in my mind as someone who is disrespectful and someone not to trust. Congratulations!

Busting Out with the Big Guns

I said that I have no problem sharing right? I also said that I wanted to inspire others so I thought that for my first official post I would share a story I wrote back in August 2006 regarding a past experience. I guarantee you that not all of my posts will be this heavy.

I enjoy talking about all the serious stuff, the sad stuff, the difficult stuff as well as the good times. It makes some people uncomfortable, rightfully so, but I have learned it helps me in becoming a happier individual to get it all out in the open. I have no secrets. It is who I am. I will never claim my stories to be 100% non-fiction though because honestly, who can say my memories haven't changed with time? But I will say that the things I write are based on true stories unless otherwise noted. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that either. I have no regrets in life and know that if certain things didn't happen I wouldn't be where I am today. This story is also a very rough draft and a shortened version of what the final outcome will be. Your comments are appreciated but please don't feel sorry for me or angry at the guy. We all make bad choices at some point in life. What is important is that we take our experiences and learn from them...and grow. I know that I have since I first wrote this and that is what I would like you to focus on--the change we can achieve within ourselves.

Team Me

The walls were dingy, probably cigarette smoke stained. The carpet a rough-looking brown with blue speckles. The thick off-white drapes hung a little too high exposing the a/c vent that blew a luke-cool air. There was one bed- a queen sized bed with a comforter so colorful I knew it was to hide the nasty stains from the thousands of other guests using it as a sex fort. That's what these kinds of motels were used for right? A sexual rendezvous for the cheating, the sneaking, the paid.

I guess I was one of the sneaking ones. I longed for attention and I had finally gotten it. He was quick to prey on me because, as Ive learned through-out the years, desperate attention-depraved girls have a scent stronger than blood. I was doomed from the get go. I was now in another town, away from my home, with a hungry beast who only wanted one thing. Its not like it would be our first time and so I was okay with it, or at least that's what my 17 year old brain told me. It was just sex, that's it, no big deal.

I waited in the car until he got the room and could pay the cheaper rate for one guest. I later learned I was invisible in more than just one way that night. He wasted no time getting right to the point of our trip. I played along because, again, it was just sex and if there was no sex there would be no attention. I wasn't about to let that happen. His clammy hands were smooth but bony and ungentle. I found myself beginning to become frightened. I cant quite place why but I think it hit me all at once that I was away with a man, not a boy, but a man. A man who could hurt me, could kill me. And no one knew where I was. I tried to get him to slow things down a bit, I was about ready to throw away my attention for the piece of mind I needed at that time.

That's when it happened. He pinned me down and told me to quit being such a tease. His right hand slapped across my face, while he grunted. His scent was strong, a sweaty animalesque aroma, I gagged. He tore my clothes and instead of struggling I just lay there swallowing my tears. This time I was only going along with it out of fear. I feared if I screamed or tried to run he would kill me for sure. As he was raping me I could hear the drip of the leaky bathroom faucet, the passing of cars on the nearby freeway, a train in the distance. And I could hear my heart- pounding, racing, so sad, so disappointed in myself. He was done quickly but held me tight so that he could have his way with me again and again and yet again before morning came.

Believe it or not, I saw him again after that night but this time I had a new motive. Sex was now a sport to me. I would not allow myself to be humiliated like that again. I was my own team and I would perform well and by my own rules. I wish I could have known what it was like to have sex be more than just a sport but that's the way it would have to be. No one was going to make me feel special so I would make of it what I wanted and be on my way. I'm still trying to mend that 17 year old girl and her skewed visions and realities. She has carried on for far too long.

Welcome!

Over the years I have gotten requests to WRITE MORE. I have continued to do this in the form of online friend sites such as myspace and facebook. I do believe my thoughts deserve a home of their own however. My good friend Dawna recommended I start my own blog and I liked the sound of that. So here I am. This blog is a place for me to get my thoughts out and, hopefully, receive some feedback. I really do love to write and I’m also very passionate about many things in life so it’s a great combination of desires. And I do believe a blog will only intensify this and I welcome intensity. Even negative intensity I welcome. I promise you will not hurt my feelings. I respect people with opinions and the ability to share. I find sharing information about myself very easy but I do know that many people struggle with this. I hope by seeing how willing I am to be open and honest it will give you some inspiration to do the same. There is no judging here, just hard, honest feelings with a possible twist of getting to know me and yourself better. I hope my readers really stop and hear what I am saying and challenge themselves to dig deep within themselves and feel. Just feel. And allow yourself to be open and free!