No Need to be Ashamed

I wish more people understood anxiety and depression. I wish more people believed that sometimes medication is necessary to regulate things. I have to admit that I never believed in it until I realized that I’m one of those people who need medication. I guess I just find it odd that people are all for medicine to help people with disease, rehab for those sick with addictions, and insulin for diabetes, but once people hear you take something to help regulate your serotonin and hormone levels they think it’s bullshit. I don’t JUST take medicine to help me. I work on myself as well BUT I have certain chemical levels that are out of whack without the use of medication. I believe this now because twice I have chosen not to take my medicine like I’m supposed to and twice I have had extreme negative reactions. I went back to feeling like my old miserable self again and felt like no matter what I did I couldn’t crawl out of the hole I was slipping in. I’m still struggling right now but I have great friends, a supportive boyfriend, and I know that soon everything will even back out and I’ll get back to feeling good again. Is the medicine necessary to live? No. But not being able to behave and feel how I want to and how I’m trying so hard to makes it more than worth it to take the medicine. If I’m feeling happy and calm but inside my mind is racing and I’m crying non-stop…it becomes very confusing and very frustrating. It is hard to explain but I do know that my moods even out and I’m able to let negative feelings go faster when my chemicals are up to par. It’s not my fault I was born this way and luckily there ARE medicines to help out. It doesn’t mean that I’m crazy and it doesn’t mean that I’m lazy. It means that my body doesn’t produce enough natural “feel good” juice and so I simply take a tiny pill to help out. I don’t get a sense of euphoria or anything like that either. In fact I don’t feel anything. But when I don’t take it I feel a whole lot of anxiety and depression and paranoia. That is not how I want to live my life and don’t think I should have to.

YOU

I’m usually very respectful, forgiving, and I always take the high road. This is not easy to do either but it’s who I am. I try to be the best possible person I can be to others even if they don’t deserve it. Well, there are moments in life when I really just want to curse and scream and hurt the people who have hurt me so badly. I mean, I don’t really want to do these things but sometimes my past creeps into my present and causes toxic reactions. This angers me and causes me to want to get it out somehow so…

Fuck YOU for cheating on me when I would have bet my life that you never would have done that to me. Fuck YOU for seeing an insecure woman and taking advantage of me in every way…breaking me down even further and making it near impossible to make the improvements I tried so desperately to make. Fuck YOU for promising me so much to just rip it all away one day because you couldn’t hang. Fuck YOU for taking advantage of me that Christmas Eve night when I had nowhere to run, no one to turn to. Fuck YOU for making me feel safe and secure and then laughing in my face as you walked away. Fuck YOU for having me to just run away, drink away, not give a shit away when I needed you most. Fuck YOU for filling my head with nonsense that has given me a complex my whole life. Fuck YOU for never telling me my worth so I had to struggle so much to find it. Fuck YOU for making me feel like I am difficult to love. Fuck YOU for never teaching me what pride is, what satisfaction is, what being happy is and what true love is.

And fuck ME for allowing YOU to treat me these ways and for allowing it to affect me still.

Military 101

I recently had a conversation about how the military service works, primarily reserves. I embarrassingly don’t know very much about our military even though my dad served in the National Guard for many years. I only recently found out that all branches of the military have a reserve program. I then became confused between National Guard and Army Reserves. I always thought National Guard was just a “fancy” way of saying Army Reserves. I thought they were interchangeable. This is not true as I’m sure you already know. Here is what I found out…

The five branches of our military and how they are supported:

Branch - Federally Managed - State Managed/Volunteered
Army - Army Reserves - Army National Guard
Air Force - Air Force Reserves - Air National Guard
Navy - Naval Reserves - Naval Militias
Marine Corps - Marine Corps Reserves - None
Coast Guard - Coast Guard Reserves - Coast Guard Auxiliary

The state managed support can be activated into the federal military service in times of need by the President of the United States or the Secretary of Defense. This would explain why my dad had to go to Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War even though he was state managed. This would also explain why my friend Denise who serves in the Army Reserves is stationed in Afghanistan right now. And lastly, it would explain how my boyfriend who is in the Navy Reserves could be called upon to fight in our current war. I’m glad I asked how it works and I’m glad I looked into it more on my own so I know what the possibilities are.

I would like to close by saying how very proud and thankful I am for all who serve in any branch of the military at any managed level. I have a very high respect for your bravery and dedication. Thank you for making this the greatest country in the world.

Note: If you find information shared here as incorrect or incomplete please share.

And the Debate Continues

My friend Amy and I have had a long standing debate about the subject of love.

Saying “I’m in love with you” vs. “I love you”

We disagree about which is more meaningful. Let’s say you’re in a new relationship and the person says to you, “I’m in love with you”… now picture them saying “I love you”… which is more meaningful to you? Additionally, how do you respond? Is it appropriate to say “I love you too” after someone expresses they’re “in love” with you?

Before I reveal how Amy and I differ on this subject I would like to hear what you think…?? I think she’s crazy and she thinks I am…what do YOU think?

The Best Maharrys I Know

I can’t believe it’s been two years since losing my grandpa and just over three years since my grandma passed away. Where has the time gone? I miss them so much. Especially when things are going well in my life and I know they would be so happy for me. They have been the only consistent figures in my life which has meant the world to me. In a life filled with let downs and disappointments…they were my safe haven. I looked up to them so much and cherished all my time with them. Of course, I wish I would have visited more but I can’t change that now. I know they knew that I loved them as I know they loved me…unconditionally.

I wish I could take some comfort knowing they are in heaven now but I’m not even sure what I believe in when it comes to religion. I would love to think they are united having a glorious time TOGETHER, smiling at me. But even if that’s not what happens when we pass away I do feel their energy and positive influence in my life daily. I wish I could sit with them one last time eating dinner (which is actually lunch) of various side dishes including carrot and raisin salad and bread with Miracle Whip instead of butter (still one of my favorites!). We would eat, and then watch the birds in the backyard while they caught up on my life. They were so good about asking about ME and remembering details. They always remembered my friends’ names and what they were up to as well. My grandparents were very giving, loving people.

I miss them so much but take solace knowing how happy they would be for me right now…as all of my dreams are coming true. I know that’s what they wanted for me. I love you Grandma and Grandpa so very much! And I miss you both more than words could ever say.

No Validation Required

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...or does it? Don’t they also say time heals all wounds? Well which is it?! Have you ever noticed that everything in life is two sided? We pick and choose which side to take depending on how it will benefit us at the time.

An Eye for an Eye vs. Thou Shall not Kill
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished vs. Karma
Rules are Meant to be Broken vs. You’ll get Yours

I don’t know…I could go on and on. And I’m sorry to burst your bubble of happiness and security but honestly sayings are just that. As humans we choose to remember those things we want to and block out the rest. Or if you’re me you tend to remember the bad things and struggle holding on to the good. Either way, there is both good and bad all around us and we tend to say whatever it is that soothes us at the time. Even if the very next time we might say the opposite if that’s what we need to hear.

I’m not writing this to say there is anything wrong with taking comfort in times of need. I guess what I’m saying is that instead of relying on bunk sayings we should just accept the fact that we are all more similar than we’d like to admit. That we all need words to help remind us that we are in fact human. That we need not make excuses when we are following our dreams and morals. We should just be allowed to be ourselves without the constant need of validation.

Things to Remember

I haven’t written anything in a while and I guess I’ve kind of been at a loss for words lately. I want to take this time to remind myself of a couple things:

Today and every day I can choose what kind of day I’m going to have. Some days are a struggle but I need to constantly remind myself that “Today, I’m going to enjoy my day!”

If this is proving to be harder than I would like…I need to remember my friends. My friends are there to support and love me and help me through life. They will not forget about me or think less of me if days have passed by without contact. As hard as that is for me to believe, I must accept it as the truth.

Everyone goes through hard times. I am no exception. Many times after the fact I’ll wonder why things were so hard for me but I need to remind myself that hindsight is 20/20 and it’s human to not always understand your hardships.

Everything in life is going wonderfully for me right now but I still find myself in states, like today, where things just feel off and I know I’m not at my happiest. This is confusing for me but that’s when I need to believe that not everything is made to understand. Just because life is seemingly grand doesn’t mean demons don’t surface from time to time and affect my mood. I need to accept my feelings and honor them. But then move on…don’t dwell.

As humans we are a work in progress. I will continue to grow and make improvements…my entire life. I need to remember to be proud of the distance I have gone thus far and the journey awaiting me.