I am NOT just fortunately lucky.

I hear a lot that I am lucky for “this” and “that”.

-You’re lucky you have a good job.

-You’re lucky you’re able to go to school.

-You’re lucky you have your own house.

(to name a small few)

And that I am more fortunate than others to be able to have my shit together.

-You’re fortunate nothing out of your control has come your way, like cancer.

-You’re fortunate to have such good friends, not everyone does.

-You’re fortunate you’re not in the lower economic class.

(etc…)

Well, first of all… I don’t believe in luck when it comes to personality and life in general. And secondly, we are ALL more fortunate than SOMEONE so that is a silly statement. Of course I am fortunate for MANY, MANY things in life but to say I have these things out of luck is disrespectful and quite honestly offensive.

There you go…I guess something DOES offend me! It’s offensive because who do you think I am? Someone who magically knows how to be happy and get what I want out of life by chance? Someone who has had an easy life that just carried over into adulthood? Ha! What hilarious notions.

Truth is, I’ve been a miserable person most of my life. I won’t go into all the details because it’s the past and doesn’t really matter any more but I assure you I didn’t just wake up one day healed. I did however, one day realize that it’s time I do something about the unhappy life I was living. I knew the only person who could “fix” me was going to be ME and it was time to get a move on things. Has this been easy?! HELL NO! Has this been a fast process? HA! Have I thought I was healed to just realize I was no where near that point? ABSOLUTELY!

Let me give you a brief history of what I’ve been through in just the past 8 years or so when I first decided I was tired of not knowing how to be happy:

I first thought I could fix things without any help but quickly gave in due to a relationship I was in at the time. I felt my negativity pulling the whole thing down and knew I needed help. I went through several psychologists before finding the one I’ve been seeing for the past 5 years. That’s right…5 YEARS. It wasn’t until my last visit that she noted I might not need to see her any more. That was truly a happy thing for me to hear…like I had FINALLY succeeded! My goal of happiness had been reached! The thought of not seeing her freaked me out a bit however and I scheduled another appointment. She’s been there for me through a lot and I think I need to wean myself off her before just calling it quits for good!

I have read MANY self help books and done other self help research, including taking certain classes in school to help me understand people better. I have tried over the counter “medication” to help with certain conditions. I have studied and observed people to no end just to try and grasp the human mind better. I have gone through several spiritual and religious break-throughs. I have gone through many relationships, romantic and friendly ones practicing to try and get things right.

About 2 years ago I finally admitted I may need the help of some prescribed medication. This was a VERY tough thing for me to do. I like thinking I can fix everything but I really do believe I have a chemical imbalance of some sort. So, I tried many pills. One of which caused me to gain 10 pounds in one month and another 5 pounds when I unsafely decided to quit taking them cold-turkey. I switched psychiatrists several times looking for the right one until I found her and together we came up with the right medication for me to help on my journey. Depression and anxiety runs very high in both sides of my family so it’s no wonder I struggled a lot with these things. I refuse to live my life blaming others for the way I am though. There comes a point when you have to take charge of your life and “fix yourself.”

I am a firm believer in counselors. I also believe in self help books and FRIENDS. What I don’t believe in is a magical fix or luck. I have worked DAMN hard to get where I’m at in life. It was a scary, painful, difficult, trying time for me. It feels so good to finally be in the happy place I am at though! And to top it off I have met a wonderful man who has also gone through a lot in his life and who has done and continues to do self improvement. That is something I know I will have to work on for the rest of my life and something I will have to give a lot of focus and energy to- self improvement. How awesome to be with someone who feels the same way :) I am an example of how hard work does pay off! I honestly feel ALIVE right now and HAPPY and just like everything is finally falling into place for me. So thank you to ME and thank you to everyone who has stood by my side and helped guide me through the most amazing, rewarding journey of my life!