The Shanty

The Shanty
where I grew up

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I do not have balls!

Growing up in a household where I was taught that women are nothing more than whores definitely took its toll on me. To the defense of my “teacher” my brother was only 3 years older than me, a kid himself. It didn’t matter to me though. I would have done anything to look “cool” in his eyes. Because of him I got to hang out with all the cool older boys. And even though they all saw me only as “one of the guys” I liked that I could fit into their group…one that was normally girl-free.

I behaved as a tomboy most of my younger years and it wasn’t until I moved to Cottonwood when I was 16 that guys really began to notice me. It was all very new and strange to me. I still behaved like a boy and dressed like a boy but something was different about that town. It was probably just because I was the new kid and no one there knew me. The kids in Page had known me my whole life. Whatever it was, guys noticed me. I wasn’t sure how to handle it other than to take the advice of my brother.

What about all the emotions that go along with being a girl? The “negative” ones such as being needy, sensitive, jealous, emotional, etc…? I have spent my whole life repressing those feelings because that wasn’t going to make me “cool”. And now I’m thirty and still single! Sure, guys still label me as cool but they surely don’t want to date me. I don’t have all the girlish qualities they want in a mate. I am unable to be vulnerable because that shows weakness. I don’t need you for anything because I’ll be damned if I can’t take care of myself. And the list goes on. I’m basically impossible to please because even though I have all these feelings and desires, I fight them off but not well enough…

What happens is I end up wishy-washy. Saying one thing, behaving another way. It’s starting to really drive me crazy. I have so many walls built up around me when it comes to men as mates that it’s a wonder some have lasted as long as they have! I don’t know how anyone would want to put up with that! Sure, I’m great in a lot of other ways but damn! Dating me is like dating someone who will never be happy with anything you do. Because if I show happiness, I’m being vulnerable and that is not something that is easy for me to do. I literally fight off my happiness.

I think I’m tired of being the tough girl. Why is it so hard for me to admit when something hurts my feelings? Actually that part isn’t that hard, it’s believing that it’s okay I feel that way that’s tough for me. Letting down my guard for just a minute to show a “girlie” side of me is not something that comes very easily for me. It’s not something I want to do but that’s only because I’ve been programmed for so long now to not accept the weakness in girls/me. Yet it’s that behavior that is destroying every relationship with a man that I’ve ever had.

Questioning a huge part of my character has been very tough for me. Who I am is all I’ve ever known! But I do know that it has become a problem in my life and I need to do something about it. It’s a very scary concept for me but it’s something I really feel like I need to do in order to let someone in enough to love and be loved in return. I realize I could find this by just being me too…but this is something I WANT to work on. It’s something I think will make me happier as a person. After all, these girl feelings are all feelings I have I’m just afraid to express them for the fear that I will be viewed as weak, and stupid. But I need to stop being so afraid. I do not have a pair of balls between my legs! And it is okay, and actually preferred, to behave like a girl with real emotions. Go figure! I’m going to seriously make an attempt at this…wish me luck!