The Shanty

The Shanty
where I grew up

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Sticks and Stones

I feel it is only appropriate to write a blog in response to some of the nastiness I have received recently. I have somehow managed to piss several people off all at practically the same time. The odd thing is, is that I didn’t do anything to piss these people off…they simply got the urge to take their anger out on me. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, I have had some bad luck with ex-boyfriends of mine recently. I got James to the point of wishing I were dead. Ben is whining about me leaving him alone even though all I’ve been trying to do is swap stuff. And then there’s Jimmy. His wife decided to have a field day on my blog and say some really awful things about me. His what?! Before you assume that I was dating a married man, they were happily separated. I quickly learned that separated doesn’t mean shit though and although he swore up and down and sideways that he would never in his life get back together with her, I was right and that’s just what he has done. Not that it matters either way to me I just find it funny that I knew it would happen. Either way, I was done with him long ago and only slightly conversed with him when he’d contact me. I politely turned down any get-togethers he suggested though and just wanted it to be fully done with. Well that time has finally come. He has stopped all contact with me and that is quite alright with me.

Anyway, for some reason unbeknownst to me, some rage fired up in his wife and she lashed out at me. Interesting because what she doesn’t know about me, besides EVERYTHING, is that you cannot offend or get a rise out of me. I’m not saying it’s not possible but I guarantee you a stranger is not going to be the one to finally break me. I find it amusing when people try so hard to upset me. I emailed Jimmy letting him know that he might want to control his wife because I will only be nice for so long. I’m sure this caused him to contact her wondering WTF is going on and shortly after I received an apology email from her. Fine. Whatever. She’s the one who has to live with her childish behavior not me. The email was nice but it doesn’t take away what was said to me. I will continue to be the bigger person and just leave it alone. I will do the same with James and Ben as well. Why do I stay so calm? Or better yet HOW do I stay so calm?

Here’s the deal. How many times do people regret flying off the handle and not thinking before they speak? This happens all the time. I will not be that person. If I say something to you it will be direct and very deliberate. I will not do it behind your back or as an anonymous figure. You will know it’s from me. Does that mean I can’t be mean? Nope. Of course I can but if I am, I’m aware of my behavior. I guess we all have our moments of weakness but in mine, my words will be thought out and hurtful in a non-immature way. It’s just something I have learned how to control. I don’t need to make a fool out of myself to be heard. In the past week I have been called many names: two-faced, high schooler, self righteous, whore, just to name a few. You would think people could be more creative than that. Oh well, maybe next time.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Time To Be Thankful

It is that time again when we usually stop and think about what we are thankful for. I try to do this much more often than once a year but this is the time I have chosen to write about it.

It is no surprise to anyone that I am the most thankful for my friends. I have the best circle of friends who love and support me unconditionally and there are many things I would not have been able to achieve had it not been for all of you. Some I’ve known my whole life, others I’ve just met. Either way, my friends are near and dear to my heart and I love you all and would do anything for each and every one of you. I really mean that. There are many things I’m excited about right now and it just wouldn’t be the same without my friends by my side to enjoy these things with!

I’m getting ready to run my first marathon on January 16 and have been training since June for this. It has taken a lot of hard work and dedication and I can’t believe how many people have supported me in this and how many of you have expressed your pride and willingness to even come cheer me on, on that day!

Another large response and amount of support I’ve received is concerning my graduation. On December 17 I will be an official graduate from NAU with my BAS in Justice System Policy and Planning. I began school in the Fall of 2004. This has been a very long 6 years of working, going to school, and trying to balance a life full of friends and relationships. Of course none of the relationships made it through but my friends did! It truly amazes me how many people are proud of me for accomplishing this goal. Although I do find it a big accomplishment, it’s hard for me to understand how so many of you stood by my side this entire time and have always congratulated me and now want to go to my graduation to see me walk. At the very least you’re going to go celebrate with me which is always a good time. I truly feel very thankful for so much love and support!

There are several other things I’m thankful for as well. My health, my intelligence, my job to name a few. Although I do believe friendships have made these things possible as well. Wow…my friends really are the best :)

My kitties are pretty great too. I never thought I’d love owning pets but I’d be so sad without Memphis and Austin. They’ve been with me through a lot as well. Plus they’re pretty damn cute :)

It’s okay that I haven’t found love with a man yet…I know I’m never alone. I realize it’s not quite the same but I would never trade the love from my friends for a man…not in a million years. It will happen for me when the time is right so in the mean time I’m going to continue to appreciate the hell out of my friends from now until the day I die.

Whoa. That got deep. Ha, ha! It’s true though…I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Compromising the impossible...

There are certain things I’ll never win at. For instance…when I get upset and have something on my mind that I need to talk about…I need to talk about it NOW. Some space and time is okay but not much. You see, if you put it off and I have to go around carrying my thoughts until YOU’RE ready it only makes things worse. I am not someone that benefits from letting things wait, where as most people (guys in particular) calm down with time. I do the opposite. What does this mean?? Well, I usually have to wait to talk even though I’d feel so much better doing so way sooner. You see, you can hide from me so I can’t talk to you but I can’t force someone TO talk. So I lose. Every time. You get to calm your thoughts and do whatever else it is you need to do while pushing me to the side while I get to suffer…growing more and more anxious and angry. You don’t care though because you just do what’s best for YOU. There will never be any compromise on this and I think it sucks. I understand that the risks are that you might say something you don’t mean because you are upset…well guess what? I just might do the same thing if we wait!

So what is the compromise??

I’ll give you some time, but I’m talking hours…not days. Studies show that after 40 minutes someone is almost always calmed down if not stimulated and just left alone. I’ll give you that and then some! That should be enough time to make sure you don’t slip and say something you’ll regret later. And if it’s not well then, we’ll deal with it. That’s my compromise. I’d much rather talk NOW but out of respect for you and what works best for you, I’ll give you space as long as you give me communication thereafter and not days from the incident. Why can no one do this?! I really think its bullshit. But again, I can’t force someone to talk but they sure as hell can avoid me until they’re ready so by default I get to be the one who suffers when it comes to communication.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My "Average" Mind

Some of my more recent posts on facebook have caused some of you to think that I let small annoyances ruin my day. I guess it’s the way I word things or how I label people as “dumb”. In hindsight I can see why those of you who don’t know me that well would think that I would allow something so trivial upset me. What actually upsets me is that I don’t understand why people don’t want to better themselves. The more I talk to people the more I learn that maybe this isn’t what the “problem” is and that maybe the problem is all in my mind. Let me tell you about my mind…

I normally wouldn’t do this for fear of sounding conceded but I assure you I am not viewing it in this way at all. As I’m about to explain and as I believe…I view myself as average so I am not talking myself up here.

I view myself as average in intelligence. If anything, maybe a bit above average but nothing too far away from plain ol’ average. Therefore my mind leads me to believe that anyone less intelligent than me is below average…short hand being “dumb”. I don’t look down on people with less intelligence but I can’t wrap my mind around why they would want to stay that way. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand it. Either way, viewing myself as average, or like MOST of the world, has me believing that MOST everyone thinks like me to get to the same conclusions. Well, I’ve been told this is not true but again, I just can’t wrap my mind around it.

I am an extremely efficient person who is always coming up with better and faster ways to get things done. I see people wasting their time and I wonder why they don’t do it the way I would to save themselves some time. Not only am I efficient but I’m also accurate…so speeding up the process for me does not come at a cost of more errors. Everyone is like this right? Well at least those average like me and everything above are…how can people not be? It’s seems so simple.

School has always been easy for me. I’ve never struggled at it. I’ve never spent hours studying and don’t spend time scratching my head out of confusion. If I’m taught something, it makes sense to me…always. I’m logical and so things just always make sense to me at the level of learning new information. Sure there are things I’m better at than others things but so far I have never failed at something I’ve tried…not to say that time won’t come and in a way I hope it does. But I believe that NO ONE should fail if they try not to. Those who do just aren’t applying themselves hard enough. Logically this makes sense to me, after all if I can do it, so can anyone else at my intelligence level or above. This is where my frustration sets in. Why wouldn’t people want to apply themselves?

It is told to me that not everyone “gets” everything no matter how hard they try. Again, this is foreign to me and I’m not even sure I really believe it. I mean, I know it’s true but only because I’ve accepted it as a fact, not because my mind can make sense of it. All I know is my brain and how my mind works…which seems so simple…why can’t everyone be like this? Of course I wouldn’t want everyone to be like me either, so don’t get me wrong. I’m speaking about intelligence here and the way minds process things. I am in no way stating that I am better than anyone else…it’s just a confusion I have.

People tell me that I’m not simply average and that I should feel lucky and blessed that things come so easy to me and that I don’t struggle when it comes to learning. I want to believe they’re right but doing so would mean that I am smart. How did I get this way? Certainly not from the wonderful models in my life. Was I born with a “smart brain”? I don’t know. I did advance quickly when I was younger…walking by month 7, reading in a 3rd grade classroom when I was in Kindergarten, for example.

I’m not sure this makes me lucky though. I feel it’s more of a curse than anything. To not be able to understand the way other people’s minds work… that sucks. I keep trying but until it can be proven to me (and since intelligence is really all relative I’m sure it never can be) I’m not sure I’ll ever fully comprehend and be more sympathetic. I also don’t think I would ever label myself as “above average” because wouldn’t that take some kind of trying?? I really do have a battle going on in my head. Why wouldn’t people want to do things more efficiently?? Why??? I honestly don’t get it and sadly I might never.

Monday, October 25, 2010

What is this "love ya" crap about?

I find it interesting the fears we have in saying certain things. Some friends will never say “I love you” to each other…in any lingo. While a vast majority opt for “love ya” as their way of showing they love their friends. People might claim they’ve never thought about it before but I think they have. I think saying “love ya” is a conscious choice as opposed to “I love you”. Do you talk to your spouse that way? What about family members? It’s doubtful. I think people prefer a more tongue in cheek way of expressing themselves although I’m not really sure why. I mean, I guess “I love you” has been somewhat taboo for some time. I know growing up, friends never said it to each other in any form…at least not that I can remember. It’s a newer thing and with technology…you know texts and facebook pages…it’s easier to convey yourself without the embarrassment of face to face expressions. To say “I love you” means romantically or reserved for your family for many I think. Changing it to “love ya” is more of a friendly term that can be used on anyone without fear of rejection. It really is the same thing though isn’t it? After all “you” is what is getting changed, not “love”. Also the omission of “I” makes it less personal but again, the word “love” remains untouched.

I rarely say “love ya” unless maybe I feel like the person will think I’m weird to say I love them and less weirded out by referring to them in slang. All I know is that there are many different levels of love. I tend to love quickly…friends or otherwise. I might not know you that well or see you often but I probably do have a level of love for you. That doesn’t make me creepy though, haha. And it doesn’t mean that I romanticize about you either! If I feel that level of love for you, you’ll know it. Otherwise I mean it in a sincere but non-romantic way.

I don’t know…is it just me, or have others noticed the different ways to announce your love? What is your take on it?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Glowing Beauty

Jump from the ‘photos’ page are
Sparkly, shiny, skinny, slinky…
Not me.
I smile, I laugh, I dance,
I try.
I shovel the confidence
From brain to behavior.
But I still feel so transparent.
Blending of our souls
Causes bleeding of our hearts
Raining down love
The mist fogs up my eyes.
Insecurities return but for once
I lower the bridge and drown the trying,
While welcoming the embrace you offer.
I may not know why,
And I may never see what you do.
But whatever beauty you see in me
I allow.
I smile, I laugh, I dance,
I become the me that you admire and...
I glow.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Bunions Are Not Warts

A common statement out of my mouth is, “I have bad feet.” People always ask me what that means exactly and I hesitate to explain. There are several television shows I’ve seen that imply (or falsely show) a bunion is a wart type growth on the foot…something disgusting that only nasty people with nasty feet get. So you can understand my hesitation of saying, “I have bunions.”

Allow me to educate you on what a bunion is:

“The common bunion is a localized area of enlargement of the inner portion of the joint at the base of the big toe. The enlargement actually represents additional bone formation, often in combination with a misalignment of the big toe. The normal position of the big toe (straight forward) becomes outward-directed toward the smaller toes. The enlarged joint at the base of the big toe (the first metatarsophalangeal joint) can become inflamed with redness, tenderness, and pain. A small fluid-filled sac (bursa) adjacent to the joint can also become inflamed (bursitis) leading to additional swelling, redness, and pain.”

Basically it’s extra bone growth on the outside of your big toe lower joint. Do you have any idea what extra bone growth feels like? It is not something you can treat and make it go away. The only way to get rid of it is to have surgery. Painful surgery at that…I had a bunionectomy on my right foot around 8 years ago. Incidentally I had to have the procedure re-done just weeks after due to pins backing out of the bone. I currently have an ugly scar along with a literal loose screw pushing the skin up next to my scar. What exactly is a bunionectomy? The cut into your foot about 2 inches from your upper toe joint down. They then shave the extra bone off with a big “file” followed by breaking your big toe, finished by reattaching the tendons. Metal rods and screws are inserted in the broken toe to hold it in place. The reason for the broken toe is that the bunion causes the big toe to slant inward toward your other toes. So much so, it needs to be realigned. The healing time takes forever it seems and the pain is excruciating. There is no cast give to prevent bumping it or anything like that.

Because of my bunions I cannot wear closed toe shoes. In fact, I can’t wear any shoes unless they are in flip flop “fashion”. I love all the cute shoes girls get to wear but not me. My feet would never be able to squeeze into those shoes and even if they did, the throbbing agony I would be in has brought me to tears before. Running obviously requires closed toe shoes so I pay extra for ones made for those with bunions. They are still a very tight fit width-wise but they’re as good as it’s going to get unless I listen to the podiatrist and stop running altogether.

Bunions occur in women more than men. They can be hereditary or caused by wearing too small of shoes when younger and/or continuing to do so. Surgery does not guarantee they won’t come back. Even my right foot is starting to form another bunion. I’ve been brought to tears by getting bumped in that area or stepped on. It constantly hurts me. There is not much I can do though. I may consider surgery on my left foot…along with that removal of my loose screw on my right foot (it’s freaky and it hurts…although it is fun to say!) but not until after I complete the marathon I’m training so hard for.

My feet look pretty normal until I point out my ailments. Most people who have bunions as bad as mine are much, much older than me. I was definitely the youngest patient at the podiatrist 8 years ago when I was only 22 and needing surgery to ease the pain. As you can see below, when my feet are pushed together my toes are no where near touching like yours probably are...just to give you an idea of how far over my toes go.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Family is Relative

Love can change but real love shouldn’t dissipate. If you are a good person and you make effort, love can last. I am proof of this. I dated Jeromy for around 5 years. In that time I became very close to his parents. In fact, everyone who meets them instantly adores them. Lee and Jeanette Graves are the coolest, kindest people around. And they love to spoil you when you go out for a visit :) Needless to say I felt love for them both and still do. And I know they love me too. Things become tricky when a relationship breaks up however. It didn’t matter to me though, I loved the Graves’ and I was going to continue to. I have not stayed in touch with them as often as I would like to but I still do to some degree. And in fact, I’m way overdue for a visit. They have the best place to get-away from the city life and just relax, play games, and have a great time. In addition to staying in contact with Jeromy’s parents, I remain friends with some of his cousins and his brother. A lot of people say that it’s weird or say “Why would you do that?” and to them I say, “Why wouldn’t I?” Just because things didn’t work out with Jeromy and I doesn’t mean I have to cut all ties with people I grew to love. Of course Jeromy is okay with this too. He has even grown to become one of my best friends.

Then came James. Him and I dated on and off for 3 years. There was a brief amount of time we were engaged as well so it was a good thing I got along so well with his family. His mom and step-dad, Nancy and Carlos Colvin, accepted me from the beginning, even though James told me they probably wouldn’t, which I still find funny. I always felt welcomed around them though. The same goes for his brothers and sisters…things were always comfortable. So it is no surprise that I remain close to them and love them as I would any of my friends. They have always made clear that it doesn’t matter what ends up happening with James and I (meaning if we end up not being friends) I am always welcome in their home. This means so much to me! And in fact, I had the pleasure of visiting with them last night. It had definitely been too long.

There are other interesting relationships I have with people due to ex’s of mine. Kacy is a good example of that. My ex boyfriend’s ex wife. It’s still fun to tell people that. I also remain close to all the people in Phoenix I know because of Jeromy. I am still their friend and am still welcome to gatherings they have. They didn’t disregard me as a person just because he and I broke up. And then there’s Connor. How awesome is it that I still get to be such a big part of Connor’s life?! I have Kacy to thank for this. I made a promise to that kid that I would always love him and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. So what if people think it’s weird. I think it’s weird to cut all ties once a relationship goes sour. It makes no sense to me. It feels like an elementary school mentality. You know, when you dislike someone, you tell all your friends to hate them too. Makes sense for young kids to think this is appropriate but for adults?! I don’t think so.

When I welcome someone into my life and grow to love them I mean that forever. Unless there are other circumstances that cause us to drift apart I certainly won’t let that happen based on my relationship status alone! People can think it’s weird or uncommon but for me it’s just the opposite. It is VERY common and remains comfortable for me to remain close to these people. They obviously love me as a person as I do them. And I wouldn’t want to lose that for the world.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Karma is Crap

I love when people use sayings out of habit because it makes them feel better but yet, they don’t really know what it means. My favorite one is anything to do with karma. Unless you are Hindu or some other karma believing religion, I don’t think you really understand the concept. Yes, that’s right, Miss Literal here. It’s even better when someone is of a Christian faith and claims to believe in both God and karma. I’m pretty sure this is sacrilegious. I’m not here to judge though but maybe give a little more insight to what karma actually is and why I don’t think it’s real and why you probably don’t either. Karma has to do with the energy in the universe and how it affects our reality. A simple thought you have can affect the entire universe according to karma but you may not be able to see its work. Karma asks that you simply believe in the universe and the balance it brings. Furthermore karma is linked to those who believe in future and past lifetimes. Just because you earn good or bad karma now doesn’t mean you’ll receive it in this lifetime. I’m pretty sure Christians don’t believe in reincarnation…

Either way, I am not a religious person any longer so my non-belief in karma has nothing to do with my own personal non-belief in religion. I just think it’s interesting when people who believe in God believe in karma too. What I am is a person who believes that there is no evil. And without evil then bad things don’t happen as a punishment. People behave in ways that benefit themselves. We might view an action as “bad” or “evil” but that was not the person’s intent who committed that action. I’ve already written about this though. Basically what it comes down to is that there is something good that comes out of everything… “good or evil”.

I ask to people who believe in karma (who do not believe in reincarnation) how do you explain cancer? Or bad things that happen to little kids? What bad thing did these people do to deserve such awfulness? And what about those who get away with murder? How do you explain how people do bad things (in our eyes) but never pay up?

You know, it’s fine if it makes people feel better to know that “karma’s gonna get them” for doing something bad. However, those who believe that only seem to pick and choose when karma exists. I don’t think you can do that. At least not if you truly believe in karma. Even without taking it to the Hindu, reincarnation extreme, people seem to only use karma when relating to something negative. You don’t ever hear people who do something good say “I can’t wait until something equally as good happens to me later in life because I just earned it!” It seems like karma comes equipped with many double standards.

I honestly believe that there is no evil in the world. Therefore I, or anyone else, doesn’t ever get “punished” for mistakes made. Likewise, the good I do is “just because” and not done knowing I will be rewarded some day. In conclusion…karma really is related to the universe and all our many lifetimes in it and not just something comforting to say when someone fucks up. Look it up. It’s true.

And in case this blog hasn’t bored you enough, the following is what I wrote in April 2010 regarding good vs. evil to give you more insight to my "no one is evil" theory.

What makes a person “good”? I am a believer in- everyone is good. This may sound like a crazy concept to some but it’s what I believe. There are no bad people but people who do bad things rather. Why is this? Try to define bad…it is subjective at best. So is the definition of good. But what I do know is that people don’t do things unless it benefits them in some way. I can see you sitting there trying to think of an example of how this isn’t true but trust me, you can’t. At least, I've never been able to. Feel free to challenge me on this if you’d like though. So anyway, if people do things for the betterment of themselves (in some way) then how can they be bad?? They don’t do things out of pure evil…they do things because they get some kind of satisfaction out of it.

I understand this may be a little too deep for some of you but you should really stop and think about it.
Seriously. Think about it.

This belief is how I’m always able to forgive people or move on from things. I know people don’t do things to be evil. They do things because it benefits them somehow. And while this may be selfish and unfair and sometimes down right messed up! Can you really blame someone for making themselves happy? Some people are just lost souls who don’t know any better. If anything I feel sorry for them but I know not to take it personally.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I do not have balls!

Growing up in a household where I was taught that women are nothing more than whores definitely took its toll on me. To the defense of my “teacher” my brother was only 3 years older than me, a kid himself. It didn’t matter to me though. I would have done anything to look “cool” in his eyes. Because of him I got to hang out with all the cool older boys. And even though they all saw me only as “one of the guys” I liked that I could fit into their group…one that was normally girl-free.

I behaved as a tomboy most of my younger years and it wasn’t until I moved to Cottonwood when I was 16 that guys really began to notice me. It was all very new and strange to me. I still behaved like a boy and dressed like a boy but something was different about that town. It was probably just because I was the new kid and no one there knew me. The kids in Page had known me my whole life. Whatever it was, guys noticed me. I wasn’t sure how to handle it other than to take the advice of my brother.

What about all the emotions that go along with being a girl? The “negative” ones such as being needy, sensitive, jealous, emotional, etc…? I have spent my whole life repressing those feelings because that wasn’t going to make me “cool”. And now I’m thirty and still single! Sure, guys still label me as cool but they surely don’t want to date me. I don’t have all the girlish qualities they want in a mate. I am unable to be vulnerable because that shows weakness. I don’t need you for anything because I’ll be damned if I can’t take care of myself. And the list goes on. I’m basically impossible to please because even though I have all these feelings and desires, I fight them off but not well enough…

What happens is I end up wishy-washy. Saying one thing, behaving another way. It’s starting to really drive me crazy. I have so many walls built up around me when it comes to men as mates that it’s a wonder some have lasted as long as they have! I don’t know how anyone would want to put up with that! Sure, I’m great in a lot of other ways but damn! Dating me is like dating someone who will never be happy with anything you do. Because if I show happiness, I’m being vulnerable and that is not something that is easy for me to do. I literally fight off my happiness.

I think I’m tired of being the tough girl. Why is it so hard for me to admit when something hurts my feelings? Actually that part isn’t that hard, it’s believing that it’s okay I feel that way that’s tough for me. Letting down my guard for just a minute to show a “girlie” side of me is not something that comes very easily for me. It’s not something I want to do but that’s only because I’ve been programmed for so long now to not accept the weakness in girls/me. Yet it’s that behavior that is destroying every relationship with a man that I’ve ever had.

Questioning a huge part of my character has been very tough for me. Who I am is all I’ve ever known! But I do know that it has become a problem in my life and I need to do something about it. It’s a very scary concept for me but it’s something I really feel like I need to do in order to let someone in enough to love and be loved in return. I realize I could find this by just being me too…but this is something I WANT to work on. It’s something I think will make me happier as a person. After all, these girl feelings are all feelings I have I’m just afraid to express them for the fear that I will be viewed as weak, and stupid. But I need to stop being so afraid. I do not have a pair of balls between my legs! And it is okay, and actually preferred, to behave like a girl with real emotions. Go figure! I’m going to seriously make an attempt at this…wish me luck!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Beautifully Damaged

I think I die in my dreams.
I can’t handle the awake times right now.
But ending life is not my way.
My dreams appear and make me suffer.
Dark clouds rain down pieces of myself.
My ego, my damaged mind, my heart.
I see the worst parts of me swirling in disaster.
Bouncing with hatred and pain.
These make-believes become my reality.
I cannot decipher between the two.
My tears become a puddle at my feet.
My screams are silenced by bravado.
All those I trust become devils.
They scratch my skin off and let me bleed.
I look up, down, all around for someone to save me.
They never come.
Fingers point to me and heavy amusement is heard.
But I’m damaged I plead!
I was born this way!
Someone needs to save me! To have pity on my soul!
If I could just believe what many have offered…
That I am lovable and worthy of joy.
But I don’t want to go to sleep.
And I can't stand to be awake.
I am definitely in pain and sorrow.
I want to find my limbo and feel my smile.
I want to believe that it’s up to me.
And I want to believe that I
Repaired is what I would like to be.
Fixed independently,
Is what I am trying to find.
No more death by night
No more suffering by day.
Learning to love myself as
Beautifully damaged,
Is the way.
The path I must find.
The truth I must believe.
Beautifully damaged is me.
Beautifully damaged is me.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

My Night in Hell

I got into Kacy’s car a little reluctant that my car still wasn’t fixed. I learned of how she lost all of her life insurance due to a windshield repair. Apparently if you don’t have the funds to pay for mechanical work, they can take money from your life insurance leaving you with nothing. I wasn’t too concerned since I don’t have a husband or kids but I did feel bad for her. It didn’t seem fair. Neither was the fact that I stayed in a burning building last night.

Erin took me to the loft where the man lived that was fixing my car. He had it for several days so there was no reason it shouldn’t be fixed by now. We showed up and I asked him for my keys. He tried explaining that he was still waiting for some parts, etc., etc… but I knew he was just giving me the run around. I needed my car. I screamed at him to, “Give me my FUCKING keys!” He still refused. Erin tried to calm me down and the man said if we wanted to wait he’d go get my car. I have been extra emotional lately and this situation was no different.

While we waited we decided to play a game that was set up in the loft. You take eggs, put them in a chute and watch as they run through an obstacle course exploding different barriers. The point is to destroy everything while having your egg land safely at the end. I was not having very good luck as my egg cracked every time. Erin discovered that if you punched a staple in the base of the egg the explosions were greater and her egg never broke. I thought I would try but I was too rough with the stapler and kept breaking my egg. I was clearly frustrated. After several attempts I finally got a staple in and decided to add some lighter fluid to make for better explosions. Finally! My egg made it through unscathed. The loft didn’t have as much luck.

I noticed a tiny fire erupt and at first it made me laugh. Then it began to grow and jump to different areas. This was not good. I grabbed the fire extinguisher from the wall and begin spraying. The extinguisher wasn’t working properly though and the fire spread. I screamed at Erin to call the fire department. While we waited I tried feverishly to put out the fires while she sat and watched. The fires would go away for a while but then reappear stronger and hotter than ever. I was confident Jason wouldn’t be showing up on that fire truck as we were not in his district. I was too embarrassed to see someone I knew. And once again, my luck was not good.

I was right, Jason wasn’t there but in walked Tony and about 4 people I knew from Page. They came up calmly and didn’t seem to care that I was coughing from smoke inhalation. They stood around and talked to each other and Erin for what felt like forever while I continued to try to stop the fire. I was confused. Finally the captain informed me that these fires were going to continue to reappear so someone would have to stay overnight to fight them. He told me that he doesn’t get paid enough for that so it would have to be me. He explained that unless I wanted to be sued for destroying someone’s property I would have to. They armed me with another fire extinguisher, closed all the windows so no air could get in and instructed me to stay close to the ground. They waved and drove off, with Erin.

I was so dizzy and fell in and out of consciousness for the remainder of the night. In the fires I saw much of my past…it was haunting me and I felt so alone. I couldn’t understand how all of this was happening to me. All I wanted was my car back. The fires seemed to be under control and I began to scream for the asshole that had my car. That’s when I realized my keys had been in that room the whole time. I grabbed them and went searching for my car. I found it! I began to drive away but didn’t make it very far. I broke down before even exiting his property. I was fucked. Feeling completely helpless and hopeless I called Kacy to come pick me up. The fire seemed to finally be gone and I just wanted to go home.

I never did get my car back. I never did get my self worth back either. I had spent the night in hell and just wanted to sleep to try to forget it all. Ironically I was already sleeping. It was now 5:30 and my alarm was sounding in my ear…

Monday, August 23, 2010

A Lose-Lose Situation

Just when I start to feel normal again, something happens or is said that makes me rethink everything. And don’t get me wrong, I love to explore different aspects and avenues and in the process try to understand everyone else and myself better. But it becomes difficult and heavy when that “something” becomes my character. I still enjoy hearing different points of view on it but it often adds a cloud of depression overhead as well. I’ve spent many years trying to figure myself out and I regularly try to become a better person in the process. There are days when I feel like I’m doing very well and that I’m strong and capable and then there are others when I feel like I haven’t moved forward at all. I suppose everyone goes through these fluctuations but I seem to do it a lot. Choices I make never seem to leave me feeling peaceful. I guess I’m mostly talking about when it comes to relationships.

I always say that I’m not cut out to be in a relationship and I think I’m right. I have never had a man in my life not let me down, minus my grandfather and he has passed away. Because of this fact, I apparently put A LOT of pressure on guys I date. At the same time I think, in the back of my mind, that they too will let me down. I basically set up a no-win situation for them. I’m expecting them to become the first man in my life who hasn’t let me down while at the same time I am certain they won’t be. What kind of crazy shit is that?! I try not to behave this way but it is so engrained in me, I subconsciously sabotage myself and my love life. I thought I had gotten better but found out I continue to behave in the same ways. This is very frustrating to me! I do believe I should be able to find someone who will “put up” with this though. Especially seeing as how I put up with all their baggage. My baggage just doesn’t come in the form of kids, an ex-husband, debt, etc… Mine is my mind. So it’s harder to detect and is why often times my friends don’t know or believe me when I say I am no good to date. Even my psychologist is fooled. And this is why guys go running for the hills after a couple months of dating me.

Even though I think I will be able to find someone who will accept me the way I am, I do realize that is a LARGE burden to take on. The only plus I see, is that I acknowledge it as a flaw and I don’t feel good about behaving this way. At least I don’t go around oblivious to how it affects others and tell them to “deal with it”. I don’t want the man I love to have to “deal with it”. I don’t want to be this way! So my focus lately has been on having fun. That doesn’t get me very far either. I think too much. I worry too much. And I let myself down too much. The solution? No more men for me until I can get a handle on how I treat them. That’s right. My fragile, complex mind can’t handle that kind of intimacy right now. You will never win with me and somehow I end up hurting in the end. I do it to myself and yet make you feel like you were never good enough for me. I throw you into the huge pile of other men who never measured up. That can’t feel good. And while some of the men have proven to not be good enough, the truth is, they didn’t have an honest chance to begin with either way. So how do I really know if someone is good enough or not or if I just assume they aren’t at the beginning? See how tiring my mind can make me?

So for now, I will focus on me and what it is I need to do to get over being angry that every man in my life has let me down. I know this stems from my father but has gone much deeper than that and much more out of control. I want to someday be in a healthy relationship and function normally. I just need to figure out how to achieve this before attempting it.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Obesity vs. Anorexia

One of my favorite websites is one that glorifies obese women. I’m going to admit right off the bat that the reason it is one of my favorite sites is because I like a good laugh. This certain photographer (Substantia Jones) takes pictures of very large women, mostly nude photos, but does not disclose their faces. Here is a piece from her mission statement:


The Adipositivity Project aims to promote size acceptance, not by listing the merits of big people, or detailing examples of excellence (these things are easily seen all around us), but rather, through a visual display of fat physicality. The sort that's normally unseen.

The hope is to widen definitions of physical beauty. Literally.

I’ve got a huge (pardon the pun) problem with what this site stands for. Since when is being unhealthy beautiful? I mean seriously. I know that people struggle with their weight and want to feel good about themselves but to display obesity like it’s some kind of trophy is horrifying to me! If Miss Jones aim really was to promote size acceptance, then where are all the photos of anorexic women?? Oh but that’s a disease, one that should never be glorified! Well I’ve got news for you, so is obesity! I’m tired of hearing large people say “I love my body!” because even if they do (which I’m reluctant to believe them) the truth is, their body is not a healthy one much the same as an anorexic body isn’t. Why do we pretend to believe that it’s okay to be obese and to embrace your figure? That figure is not natural nor is it okay. I’m not sure why we shun drugs, cigarettes, anorexia…all things that are NOT GOOD FOR YOU, but obesity?? Obesity is beautiful! While I don’t hold anything against anyone who is obese I also will never tell you, you should continue to live that way because it is NOT GOOD FOR YOU!

That’s fine if Substantia Jones wants to photograph obese women but to do so for the reason of acceptance is absurd to me. I think it’s sending the wrong message. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but health isn’t. To say it’s okay to be obese is saying it’s okay to risk your health much the same way drugs do. I don’t see anyone taking pictures of drugies and passing them off as acceptable and beautiful.

I have included some pictures from Substantia’s site as well as some anorexic women. Needless to say, I had a hard time finding a website much like Adipositivity that was devoted to anorexics. Go figure.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Smashed Fags

For those of you who didn't know me from my myspace days, I would like to share a story I wrote back in April 2006. I've been missing my brother a lot lately and this story puts a smile on my face...

The Smashed Fags

It would be another night alone, just Daniel and I to fend for ourselves. Mom and Norman, which is what he was still called at the time, headed off to the Bowling Alley. No, they were not going to bowl. This was Page's bowling alley, where the lanes were merely a backdrop to the overcrowded bar filled with lingering smoke. About two years later I would really get to know the bowling alley- front of house, and back of house- it would become my home away from home, or rather my babysitting space away from the stank trailer but that story is for another time.

What would we do tonight? I was only 6 and already admired my 9 year old brother more than anyone else. How could I not? Without each other the other probably would have died literally. We had no parental role models. Our dad left us just a year earlier and within that time Mom had already found this new man, married him and everything. But being the alcoholics that they were there was no time for child rearing. We didn't really care yet because what kid wouldn't want to be left at home alone at our young ages? We decided that tonight would be movie night- not watch a movie but act out a movie impromptu- one of our favorite games.

Our movies always involved guns and beating people up. I guess it was the days of wrestling and we both had the moves down pat. Back then wrestling was real and the idea of being praised and cheered on for hurting someone seemed irresistible....I too wanted to be a wrestler. But our story line had to be much more deep than just hurting people. We would fly over the alligator infested waters and crawl through sewer lines to rescue the good. That's when Daniel had a brilliant idea. With all the smashed cigarette butts lying around I was surprised he hadn't thought of it sooner. We would smoke.

And smoke we did. With all the in-womb puffing away we did smoking the real thing was cake- went down nice and smooth, cough-free. We actually had fun digging through the black, plastic ashtrays to find the longest ones. Most were smoked all the way down to the filter so we really had to dig. Our little ash stained fingers carefully rummaged through the seemingly endless heap of fags until we found two worthy contenders. We lit them up and smoked the couple drags they were worth. Smoking is probably not something one should be doing at age 6 let alone age 9 but we did and we were cool.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Bad timing or cowardice?

I think I have learned that guys will say ANYTHING to keep from hurting a girl. And it’s our jobs to interpret it and respect ourselves enough to not put up with anything less than what we deserve. It’s a pattern with me…I’m told, “You’re my dream girl. I’m not interested in anyone but you. But I think you deserve better than I can give you right now… our timing is off” more times than I care to admit. I want to believe that statement but how can I?! It sounds like a very polite way of getting rid of me. If I say, “It’s okay. I’ll take whatever you can give me,” how can I expect the guy to respect me if I show so little respect to myself? I think they want me to say, “You’re right I deserve more. Thank you for being honest with me. I want to remain friends.” Why can’t a guy just say “Hey…sorry to tell you but I don’t like you enough to give it my all,” that’s really what it’s about right?? I’m not their dream girl! It’s funny because I know of guys who would do anything for me. Guys who would love to have the chance to date me and show me what I’m worth. Why don’t I ever give those guys a chance?? Maybe they’re not bold and assertive enough for me, I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t like being the one to be forced to be the “bad guy” and end things yet this is always what I have to end up doing. Are men that “cowardly” that they can’t be honest with me? Instead I feel they say things to make it seem like they’re nice and honest and are doing me a favor but telling me how great and wonderful I am and polite to give me the choice of what I want. This is such bullshit to me. Maybe because I’ve heard it so many times that I don’t know what or who to believe anymore! Is it a control issue that guys have? They only want me if it’s on their terms?? And if so, that doesn’t seem very respectful to me. I mean, I must be doing something wrong as a girlfriend. I’m not sure what it is though because all I’m ever told is how great I am! How am I supposed to improve if people won’t tell me what it is I do wrong?! I am just trying to understand better why I always find myself in the same situation time and time again. What do you guys think? I am really bad at reading between the lines because the way I conduct myself, people don’t have to do that with things I say so I don't know how to do it with them.

I'm not badmouthing or exposing anyone here either. I'm just trying to understand myself better, that's all. I'd appreciate comments to show the same consideration.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Power of Bikram

I actually shed a couple tears in Bikram yoga last night. I was struggling extra hard in class for some reason. I was having difficulties breathing and my heart rate was higher than normal. I was becoming increasingly frustrated as I really expected to do a great job. I even picked a spot in the front of the room to give myself more concentration. Turns out, I had to sit out on a lot of the poses. I wasn’t sure what was going on with me but I hated having to sit out and not perform as I would have liked. Finally the standing series was done and it was time to get into Savasana (dead body pose) for 2 minutes as an intermission from standing poses to the floor series starting with spine strengthening. It was during those two minutes that the instructor, Nicholle, talked about how often times what is going on in our lives is reflected in the yoga room. I really let those words sink in. I know she could tell how frustrated I was getting not being able to participate in some of the poses and I swear she was talking directly to ME. It’s what I needed to hear. I have been going through lots of disappointment lately and disrespect that I guess my body was catching up to my heart and head. She told “me” to release it all…to focus on my breathing and let the hardships melt away. I guess for a moment I felt sorry for myself and allowed a couple tears to push out. I’m such a sensitive person to all senses and sometimes I just get caught up in other people’s problems and expectations of me that I forget to focus on myself. Bikram yoga gives me that. I still felt run down for the remainder of the class but I didn’t leave the room. I stayed put and did the best I could. I guess the practice of yoga really does mimic life.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Work in Progress

How long does it take to really get to know someone?? Everyone has different opinions about this and it really depends on how much you’re willing to share about yourself and how fast. I, for one, am go!go!go! when it comes to sharing information about me. I have no problem opening up and sharing EVERYTHING to just about anyone who cares to listen. I have nothing to hide and people tend to loosen up faster with me than they would with someone else and I like this. I like knowing that people trust me…and they can. I don’t judge people and like to make others feel comfortable with their thoughts and insecurities.

However, just because I open up so fast does not mean that I am easy to understand. I am a VERY complex person with lots of layers. In fact, I’m probably the most difficult person to understand that you’ll ever meet! I’ve been told this before (more than a few times). It takes a very special, loving kind of person to take the time to understand me and explore all the aspects of me. Some people have spent years trying to figure me out! But some people have also enjoyed that time, getting to know me, and getting to understand how I operate. Others can’t take it. They don’t have enough desire to spend time trying to unfold all the layers. There are even those who I thought just magically went through the walls I have built up but I know now, they just got through one with ease. They are all not that easy! I don’t behave this way on purpose either…it’s just who I am and who I’ve been told that I am- A COMPLEX PERSON. There are many days I wish I wasn’t so complex. I would love to have a thought and just let it rest at that but with all I’ve been through it’s not that simple for me. There are many days I’m sure my friends wish I was more simple as well…I can be quite a handful!

Often times I come across as being angry and negative. I understand how people misconceive this but it is just a misconception. Of course there are times when I let anger get the best of me. And there are times I choose not to put a positive spin on things. But more often than not I am just being cautious. I’m expressing what many think but are too afraid to say aloud so that I don’t hold onto anger or negativity. I say it as a way to try and release it so it doesn’t consume me. I feel it’s pretty healthy actually. You see, I know how to turn almost anything into a positive situation…I just also know the reality of things. And the reality is that the truth hurts sometimes and the truth isn’t always positive. But it should only hurt long enough to look at it critically and then move on. It shouldn’t ruin a good time or be anything more than a helpful tool into bettering yourself. Internally I am a very positive, peaceful person. I don’t hate. I’m not vindictive. I don’t even believe evil exists. People just don’t always understand me. And I don’t expect everyone to. I also don’t expect everyone to have the time and patience to really get to know the real me and not the me that shows up on the surface. I’m okay with this. I have plenty of people who are and for that I am grateful.

I guess I’m just trying to say that not everyone’s minds work in the same way and not everyone behaves in a “surface” way thus leading others to believe they are feeling great all the time and that life is just roses and sunshine. I am one who shows the real me always. Meaning, I behave no different in front of you as I do them. I act the same. Maybe this isn’t a good thing or the best way to go about life but it’s the way I am and there are people who admire me for this. Those who have taken the time to try and understand me better and who can appreciate all I've been through and all I strive to be. Those who know I have spent the past several years trying to figure myself out and become a better person. I'm definitely still a work in progress but until you really know me, I don't always come across that way which sucks because I don't like people thinking I'm negative or angry! I end up affecting people in a negative way and bringing them down. That is not a good feeling. Being complex definitely comes with it's disadvantages but the advantage is...I bet you'll never meet another person just like me! ;)

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Tomorrow Maybe

What makes us who we are?
I look in the mirror and I see a broken girl.
To what do we live for?
I wake up every moment alone.
Life has always been such a struggle.
a struggle for me.
I could never create life from one so hard.
So tired of being sad, exhausted from depression.
Often I want to crawl underground.
To relax. To laugh. To be at peace with my mind.
I hate it you know?
Nothing is simple.
Nothing comes with ease.
I feel so damaged and so unable to be happy.
To be truly loved.
Life has always been so difficult.
I can’t love myself.
I can’t.
I thought for a moment I did but it was just…
A phase.
Where do I go from here?
I could give up or keep pushing ahead.
Sometimes I think I’m crazy.
Sometimes I feel so unstable I scare myself.
I sadden myself. I hate myself!
With the biggest desire to learn to love me.
Maybe one day I will. It’s my hope.
Life is very empty without the love of yourself.
Wish someone would have taught me how to.
Wish I could just figure it out.
There’s nothing I want more.
I so badly desire to feel love from myself.
Don’t I think I deserve it?
Out of all the anger I carry, I hold the most
For myself.
One day,
Some day,
I hope to feel free from the demons in my head.
Not today, but maybe tomorrow.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Time to Open My Big Mouth

I communicate best through words on paper. My thoughts seem to flow out effortlessly and accurately. Verbalizing my concerns becomes a bit tricky for me however. Suddenly my brain jumbles everything and I forget what point I’m trying to make. This has become a problem for me. When confronted I usually choose to shut down rather than talk because I know it’s probably not going to turn out well. I will forget what I’m “fighting” for and likely become defensive and angry at myself for not being able to properly and calmly convey my thoughts. Through-out life I have learned that the best way to fix something is to practice, practice, practice! I need to expose myself to voice. When something bothers me or my feelings get hurt I need to learn to save the typing for something less heavy and open my throat up and speak. This will leave me open to rejection and ridicule but if I want to lessen being misunderstood by people it’s what I feel I must do.

This is a scary thought for me. Anytime I have anything of importance to say, I type it. I definitely see the advantages of communicating this way but lately I have run into some real disadvantages as well. My mind doesn’t seem to work like everyone else’s. I don’t understand why and I have a hard time accepting the processes that go on in other people’s heads. No matter how clear I think I am on paper, time and time again people misunderstand me which baffles and angers me. I don’t understand how it happens! I am so careful with the words that I choose. I’m so careful to say exactly what I mean without any hidden agendas. How can so many people misinterpret what I say?? I don’t think I will ever understand. But some things aren’t meant to understand. What I can do however, is change my behavior to give me better results. So I am going to try to talk more and type less when it comes to things that are important to me with those who are important to me. Hopefully this will help people to understand me better and learn that I don’t just get my feelings hurt for fun. My feelings get hurt because it seems that no matter how hard I try I can’t understand or believe how people misunderstand me and react accordingly. This is MY problem though…no one else’s so…I will be the one to react accordingly and hopefully put an end to hurt feelings and misunderstandings by me and those associated with me.

Friday, July 23, 2010


It has always been a desire of mine to write a book outlining my life. This thought alone has been so overwhelming to me that I honestly have no idea where to start! I don’t think I want to write the book in chronological order and so it becomes a little tricky to map the order out in my head. Does anyone have any suggestions or any particular area of my life you are most interested in (if at all! Ha!)? I have also considered breaking it up into multiple books to make it easier on myself and then that way I can add what has yet to come when I reach that point in life. However, if I do that…I would need to be more chronological. What do you guys think? What do you think would be a more interesting read?? This really is something I want to do…I guess I just need a little guidance.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I think I may have talked about this before but I feel like going into it again today. I HATE excuses!!! Why is it so hard for people to admit when they mess up? And why is it so hard for people to admit the real reason they do or do not do something? No excuse is a good excuse! People have priorities and choose what they do based on those. Women act like bitches sometimes because it’s not their top priority to behave nicely at the moment NOT because they’re PMS’ing! People smoke a cigarette because they want to or are having a hard time quitting NOT because they’re stressed and need it. People (especially kids) behave in ways they’re not supposed to because they don’t make it their priority to correct their behavior NOT because they forgot the rule. I could go on and on but I think you get the gist of what I’m saying.

I feel sad for people who go through life always coming up with excuses to spare themselves blame. Why don’t people want to better themselves and own up to their mistakes? I understand it’s hard to do but c’mon! I find myself making excuses sometimes and even get away with it to later find myself “calling myself out” and admitting the real reason. To me excuses equal lying. The only difference is that most of the time I don’t think people make excuses with the intention of being dishonest. I think it’s just second nature. Shit…even women have been using the excuse for why we’re so emotional is because we’re women for YEARS! Sure, we may have the chemical make-up to make us prone to being more emotional but we can control it…we just have to want to make it our priority. Saying we are women is not a valid excuse, it’s bullshit! Sorry women but you know it’s true.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the next time you find yourself saying “I did this because _______” stop yourself and admit you did it because it was your choice, bottom line. I’m tired of people not taking responsibility for themselves and blaming everything and everyone else. I am learning to not take things personally though but to realize that not everyone is as willing to put in the hard work to becoming a better person as I am is baffling to me. I may not get instant gratification but I know that in the long run I will be a happier person over all.

P.S. “I have a headache” is the biggest bullshit excuse in the world as to why a woman won’t have sex. Sex is a cure all. Women…quit using this lame statement as an excuse and fix the real problem!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Talk the Talk

My friend Dawna is so smart!! She told me "Sometimes life gets in the way of relationships but life also goes so fast. It's important to let people know how you feel while you have the opportunity to do so," or something very similar to that. She told me this in response to a conversation we had last night about actions vs. words. Many people say that actions speak louder than words but I’m not convinced this is true. At the very least I believe a healthy balance of the two is optimal.

I agree that you can tell someone you love them all day long but if you do nothing to show them this, your words will get lost. I also believe that without your words, your actions will get lost as well. A good example would be the married couple who do things for each other all the time- earn a living, raise the kids, cook dinner, fix the car, etc… but get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life and forget to stop for a moment and verbalize their feelings to one another. This truth frightens me. I am one who likes to hear how people feel about me and often. I like to hear as well as feel the special treatment not just one or the other. I realize this can’t be done all the time but as Dawna pointed out to me, life does indeed happen fast, and sometimes people need to HEAR emotions instead of just shown them. Likewise, if you’re one who talks the talk a lot maybe it’s time you start walkin’ the walk a bit more.

It’s hard for some to express their feelings in words but I suggest you try. And then try harder. There is something so powerful in a person expressing their inner most feelings and vulnerabilities. Much more powerful than buying a gift or lending a hand. Open yourself up to those you care about…don’t be afraid! Don’t be forgetful! And don’t be full of excuses as to why you can’t stop for 30 seconds to tell someone what they mean to you.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


We all judge others. Whether intentionally or not, we do. What I don’t like is when people judge harshly to only become the person (or do the action) they hated and looked down on later on in life and claim that it’s different for them. One example would be someone who looks down on homeless people and then becomes homeless themselves but no longer sticks their nose up in the air about it because they’re different than all those they grew to hate previously. Or someone who believes their perfect match MUST have the same religious beliefs and all those who marry outside of this belief are going to hell. Then that ‘someone’ meets the man/woman of their dreams but don’t share a common religion and suddenly it becomes acceptable.

What I purpose is…instead of making strong judgments to begin with, why not give people the benefit of the doubt? I know this may sound weird coming from my mouth because I am someone who believes that stereotypes are there for a reason and I also believe that you make your own life but just because I believe something doesn’t make it right. It also doesn’t make it the norm. Additionally, how do I know I won’t be in that same situation tomorrow? A week from now? Next year? On my death bed? The truth is I don’t. And I certainly don’t want to be one of those people who has to experience things for myself to lose my judgments.

I challenge myself that the next time I see someone or something that I don’t agree with or that I pass judgment on, to make up a different, acceptable story and believe that instead. What difference does it make if I’m wrong or right other than a happier air in my head? And a more understanding feel for the differences in people and how none of us know what tomorrow could bring. And none of us know what we might do in the moment when faced with certain decisions. We might think we know, but we don’t. Perhaps you will join me and challenge yourself to do the same thing…

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Healthy Life, Healthy Mind

Alright. No more excuses! No more procrastination. No more giving up! I am determined to become healthier this summer!! This means shedding around 30 pounds and continuing to eat well and exercise harder. I have been seeing a nutritionist for quite some time now and I feel we have finally figured out what is going to work for me. This has taken so long because I refused to “diet” per se but want to change my lifestyle to eating healthier ALL the time not just until the weight drops. I know I can lose weight on diets…I’ve done it before. This was not, and is not my ultimate goal however. With that being said, I have decided to give my body a jump start by following a series of strict diets while working my way back into my normal eating habits. I feel it was very important for me to learn how to eat healthy before tackling a strict diet so that when the diet is over I can resume eating healthy while dropping and eventually maintaining my new lower weight.

I began with a 72 hour fruit/protein powder cleanse. I’m not really sure if this cleansed me as I did not have um…bathroom issues as everyone said I was going to. This was the first time in my life I have ever gone more than 24 hours without eating actual food though. I know that fruit is indeed food but it’s mostly liquid. I was only drinking water or water mixed with protein powder and fruit…nothing else. This was actually easier than I thought it would be but still difficult in it’s own right. I continued to workout 2 of those 3 days. I was able to drop around 5 pounds but I knew it would come back over the weekend. The point of the cleanse was not to lose weight but to rid my body of nastiness! Mission accomplished…I think.

Step two began this week on Tuesday. Now I am eating only vegetables (preferably green ones) and lean meats as well as a protein drink here and there, mainly for hydration purposes- I add a scoop of protein powder to about 2 cups of water each. I am still allowing myself a cup of sweetened coffee in the morning but that’s the only treat I get. I will follow this until Saturday evening when I will treat myself to a healthy meal that is more than just meat and veggies. And perhaps an adult beverage or two.

Sunday I will be back on this veggie/meat plan but adding in a piece of fruit and a healthy carb once a day (like brown rice or yams). In order to do this, I will reduce my meat intake so my overall portions stay the same. This is often times what people forget to do when they add carbs back in. You must take away something else so you don’t overeat! After a full week (at least 5 days) of this I should be ready to start incorporating all the other healthy foods I’ve grown to love. I should be down some serious weight by then and I will feel motivated to stay on track!

I have always been pretty good about exercising but I have recently found two new types of exercise (and possibly a third) to motivate and push me harder than I have been pushed before. I run in the hot evening sun for about 35 minutes, 3 times a week. In addition to that, I am joining a running group that will meet every Saturday morning from this Saturday until December to prepare for a half marathon that I will run in January. This will be quite the challenge for me as I am no good at running! I have bad feet, back problems, and just don’t go very fast. This will also motivate me to drink less on the weekends as I will not be going out on Friday nights since I have to be at the park at 6am every Saturday.

I have also taken a liking to Bikram yoga. For those of you who don’t know what this is…it’s basically yoga in a hellish environment. The temperature is around 105 degrees and 40% humidity. It is a VERY INTENSE 90 minutes! I love pushing myself though and this does it all right! I have only attended 3 classes so far but look forward to continuing to go to improve not only my flexibility but weight control as well.

And the third thing is…I am looking at getting back into boxing. I used to belong to a boxing gym for just over 3 years and LOVED it. It became too expensive and too inconvenient however, and I had to give it up. One of the instructors from the gym I used to belong to just opened his own boxing studio and I’m going to go check it out. I hope it’s not too expensive and that the classes will work with my already busy schedule. Because in addition to all of this madness, I also try to work out at a regular gym 5 times a week!

You would think I would be a toothpick with all this effort and dedication but I have learned that becoming healthy is a very slow and long process. It is also a very difficult process that takes a lot of dedication and determination. I believe I have finally reached that point in my life where I’m ready to fully embrace this life challenge. I want to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit and I will achieve this! Can’t wait to finally feel at peace and continue to maintain this way of living.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


How do you learn to not be so hard on yourself? This is the main thing I still struggle with. I expect myself to be perfect and when I fall short, which is a lot, I beat myself up and dwell on how I let it happen. Instead I need to accept it and move forward, focusing on the present. For some reason this is SO hard for me. It’s interesting because I basically know what I need to do but in the moment it’s near impossible for me to do those things. I have a hard time allowing myself to be human. I know that I don’t gain anything from this unless you want to count all the negative connotations…then we can create a list! I guess I’m looking for suggestions of ways to let things go “in the moment” so I’m not so angry with myself. Any ideas?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

No Need to be Ashamed

I wish more people understood anxiety and depression. I wish more people believed that sometimes medication is necessary to regulate things. I have to admit that I never believed in it until I realized that I’m one of those people who need medication. I guess I just find it odd that people are all for medicine to help people with disease, rehab for those sick with addictions, and insulin for diabetes, but once people hear you take something to help regulate your serotonin and hormone levels they think it’s bullshit. I don’t JUST take medicine to help me. I work on myself as well BUT I have certain chemical levels that are out of whack without the use of medication. I believe this now because twice I have chosen not to take my medicine like I’m supposed to and twice I have had extreme negative reactions. I went back to feeling like my old miserable self again and felt like no matter what I did I couldn’t crawl out of the hole I was slipping in. I’m still struggling right now but I have great friends, a supportive boyfriend, and I know that soon everything will even back out and I’ll get back to feeling good again. Is the medicine necessary to live? No. But not being able to behave and feel how I want to and how I’m trying so hard to makes it more than worth it to take the medicine. If I’m feeling happy and calm but inside my mind is racing and I’m crying non-stop…it becomes very confusing and very frustrating. It is hard to explain but I do know that my moods even out and I’m able to let negative feelings go faster when my chemicals are up to par. It’s not my fault I was born this way and luckily there ARE medicines to help out. It doesn’t mean that I’m crazy and it doesn’t mean that I’m lazy. It means that my body doesn’t produce enough natural “feel good” juice and so I simply take a tiny pill to help out. I don’t get a sense of euphoria or anything like that either. In fact I don’t feel anything. But when I don’t take it I feel a whole lot of anxiety and depression and paranoia. That is not how I want to live my life and don’t think I should have to.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I’m usually very respectful, forgiving, and I always take the high road. This is not easy to do either but it’s who I am. I try to be the best possible person I can be to others even if they don’t deserve it. Well, there are moments in life when I really just want to curse and scream and hurt the people who have hurt me so badly. I mean, I don’t really want to do these things but sometimes my past creeps into my present and causes toxic reactions. This angers me and causes me to want to get it out somehow so…

Fuck YOU for cheating on me when I would have bet my life that you never would have done that to me. Fuck YOU for seeing an insecure woman and taking advantage of me in every way…breaking me down even further and making it near impossible to make the improvements I tried so desperately to make. Fuck YOU for promising me so much to just rip it all away one day because you couldn’t hang. Fuck YOU for taking advantage of me that Christmas Eve night when I had nowhere to run, no one to turn to. Fuck YOU for making me feel safe and secure and then laughing in my face as you walked away. Fuck YOU for having me to just run away, drink away, not give a shit away when I needed you most. Fuck YOU for filling my head with nonsense that has given me a complex my whole life. Fuck YOU for never telling me my worth so I had to struggle so much to find it. Fuck YOU for making me feel like I am difficult to love. Fuck YOU for never teaching me what pride is, what satisfaction is, what being happy is and what true love is.

And fuck ME for allowing YOU to treat me these ways and for allowing it to affect me still.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Military 101

I recently had a conversation about how the military service works, primarily reserves. I embarrassingly don’t know very much about our military even though my dad served in the National Guard for many years. I only recently found out that all branches of the military have a reserve program. I then became confused between National Guard and Army Reserves. I always thought National Guard was just a “fancy” way of saying Army Reserves. I thought they were interchangeable. This is not true as I’m sure you already know. Here is what I found out…

The five branches of our military and how they are supported:

Branch - Federally Managed - State Managed/Volunteered
Army - Army Reserves - Army National Guard
Air Force - Air Force Reserves - Air National Guard
Navy - Naval Reserves - Naval Militias
Marine Corps - Marine Corps Reserves - None
Coast Guard - Coast Guard Reserves - Coast Guard Auxiliary

The state managed support can be activated into the federal military service in times of need by the President of the United States or the Secretary of Defense. This would explain why my dad had to go to Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War even though he was state managed. This would also explain why my friend Denise who serves in the Army Reserves is stationed in Afghanistan right now. And lastly, it would explain how my boyfriend who is in the Navy Reserves could be called upon to fight in our current war. I’m glad I asked how it works and I’m glad I looked into it more on my own so I know what the possibilities are.

I would like to close by saying how very proud and thankful I am for all who serve in any branch of the military at any managed level. I have a very high respect for your bravery and dedication. Thank you for making this the greatest country in the world.

Note: If you find information shared here as incorrect or incomplete please share.