The Shanty

The Shanty
where I grew up

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Time To Be Thankful

It is that time again when we usually stop and think about what we are thankful for. I try to do this much more often than once a year but this is the time I have chosen to write about it.

It is no surprise to anyone that I am the most thankful for my friends. I have the best circle of friends who love and support me unconditionally and there are many things I would not have been able to achieve had it not been for all of you. Some I’ve known my whole life, others I’ve just met. Either way, my friends are near and dear to my heart and I love you all and would do anything for each and every one of you. I really mean that. There are many things I’m excited about right now and it just wouldn’t be the same without my friends by my side to enjoy these things with!

I’m getting ready to run my first marathon on January 16 and have been training since June for this. It has taken a lot of hard work and dedication and I can’t believe how many people have supported me in this and how many of you have expressed your pride and willingness to even come cheer me on, on that day!

Another large response and amount of support I’ve received is concerning my graduation. On December 17 I will be an official graduate from NAU with my BAS in Justice System Policy and Planning. I began school in the Fall of 2004. This has been a very long 6 years of working, going to school, and trying to balance a life full of friends and relationships. Of course none of the relationships made it through but my friends did! It truly amazes me how many people are proud of me for accomplishing this goal. Although I do find it a big accomplishment, it’s hard for me to understand how so many of you stood by my side this entire time and have always congratulated me and now want to go to my graduation to see me walk. At the very least you’re going to go celebrate with me which is always a good time. I truly feel very thankful for so much love and support!

There are several other things I’m thankful for as well. My health, my intelligence, my job to name a few. Although I do believe friendships have made these things possible as well. Wow…my friends really are the best :)

My kitties are pretty great too. I never thought I’d love owning pets but I’d be so sad without Memphis and Austin. They’ve been with me through a lot as well. Plus they’re pretty damn cute :)

It’s okay that I haven’t found love with a man yet…I know I’m never alone. I realize it’s not quite the same but I would never trade the love from my friends for a man…not in a million years. It will happen for me when the time is right so in the mean time I’m going to continue to appreciate the hell out of my friends from now until the day I die.

Whoa. That got deep. Ha, ha! It’s true though…I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Compromising the impossible...

There are certain things I’ll never win at. For instance…when I get upset and have something on my mind that I need to talk about…I need to talk about it NOW. Some space and time is okay but not much. You see, if you put it off and I have to go around carrying my thoughts until YOU’RE ready it only makes things worse. I am not someone that benefits from letting things wait, where as most people (guys in particular) calm down with time. I do the opposite. What does this mean?? Well, I usually have to wait to talk even though I’d feel so much better doing so way sooner. You see, you can hide from me so I can’t talk to you but I can’t force someone TO talk. So I lose. Every time. You get to calm your thoughts and do whatever else it is you need to do while pushing me to the side while I get to suffer…growing more and more anxious and angry. You don’t care though because you just do what’s best for YOU. There will never be any compromise on this and I think it sucks. I understand that the risks are that you might say something you don’t mean because you are upset…well guess what? I just might do the same thing if we wait!

So what is the compromise??

I’ll give you some time, but I’m talking hours…not days. Studies show that after 40 minutes someone is almost always calmed down if not stimulated and just left alone. I’ll give you that and then some! That should be enough time to make sure you don’t slip and say something you’ll regret later. And if it’s not well then, we’ll deal with it. That’s my compromise. I’d much rather talk NOW but out of respect for you and what works best for you, I’ll give you space as long as you give me communication thereafter and not days from the incident. Why can no one do this?! I really think its bullshit. But again, I can’t force someone to talk but they sure as hell can avoid me until they’re ready so by default I get to be the one who suffers when it comes to communication.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My "Average" Mind

Some of my more recent posts on facebook have caused some of you to think that I let small annoyances ruin my day. I guess it’s the way I word things or how I label people as “dumb”. In hindsight I can see why those of you who don’t know me that well would think that I would allow something so trivial upset me. What actually upsets me is that I don’t understand why people don’t want to better themselves. The more I talk to people the more I learn that maybe this isn’t what the “problem” is and that maybe the problem is all in my mind. Let me tell you about my mind…

I normally wouldn’t do this for fear of sounding conceded but I assure you I am not viewing it in this way at all. As I’m about to explain and as I believe…I view myself as average so I am not talking myself up here.

I view myself as average in intelligence. If anything, maybe a bit above average but nothing too far away from plain ol’ average. Therefore my mind leads me to believe that anyone less intelligent than me is below average…short hand being “dumb”. I don’t look down on people with less intelligence but I can’t wrap my mind around why they would want to stay that way. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand it. Either way, viewing myself as average, or like MOST of the world, has me believing that MOST everyone thinks like me to get to the same conclusions. Well, I’ve been told this is not true but again, I just can’t wrap my mind around it.

I am an extremely efficient person who is always coming up with better and faster ways to get things done. I see people wasting their time and I wonder why they don’t do it the way I would to save themselves some time. Not only am I efficient but I’m also accurate…so speeding up the process for me does not come at a cost of more errors. Everyone is like this right? Well at least those average like me and everything above are…how can people not be? It’s seems so simple.

School has always been easy for me. I’ve never struggled at it. I’ve never spent hours studying and don’t spend time scratching my head out of confusion. If I’m taught something, it makes sense to me…always. I’m logical and so things just always make sense to me at the level of learning new information. Sure there are things I’m better at than others things but so far I have never failed at something I’ve tried…not to say that time won’t come and in a way I hope it does. But I believe that NO ONE should fail if they try not to. Those who do just aren’t applying themselves hard enough. Logically this makes sense to me, after all if I can do it, so can anyone else at my intelligence level or above. This is where my frustration sets in. Why wouldn’t people want to apply themselves?

It is told to me that not everyone “gets” everything no matter how hard they try. Again, this is foreign to me and I’m not even sure I really believe it. I mean, I know it’s true but only because I’ve accepted it as a fact, not because my mind can make sense of it. All I know is my brain and how my mind works…which seems so simple…why can’t everyone be like this? Of course I wouldn’t want everyone to be like me either, so don’t get me wrong. I’m speaking about intelligence here and the way minds process things. I am in no way stating that I am better than anyone else…it’s just a confusion I have.

People tell me that I’m not simply average and that I should feel lucky and blessed that things come so easy to me and that I don’t struggle when it comes to learning. I want to believe they’re right but doing so would mean that I am smart. How did I get this way? Certainly not from the wonderful models in my life. Was I born with a “smart brain”? I don’t know. I did advance quickly when I was younger…walking by month 7, reading in a 3rd grade classroom when I was in Kindergarten, for example.

I’m not sure this makes me lucky though. I feel it’s more of a curse than anything. To not be able to understand the way other people’s minds work… that sucks. I keep trying but until it can be proven to me (and since intelligence is really all relative I’m sure it never can be) I’m not sure I’ll ever fully comprehend and be more sympathetic. I also don’t think I would ever label myself as “above average” because wouldn’t that take some kind of trying?? I really do have a battle going on in my head. Why wouldn’t people want to do things more efficiently?? Why??? I honestly don’t get it and sadly I might never.