The Shanty

The Shanty
where I grew up

Monday, November 15, 2010

Compromising the impossible...

There are certain things I’ll never win at. For instance…when I get upset and have something on my mind that I need to talk about…I need to talk about it NOW. Some space and time is okay but not much. You see, if you put it off and I have to go around carrying my thoughts until YOU’RE ready it only makes things worse. I am not someone that benefits from letting things wait, where as most people (guys in particular) calm down with time. I do the opposite. What does this mean?? Well, I usually have to wait to talk even though I’d feel so much better doing so way sooner. You see, you can hide from me so I can’t talk to you but I can’t force someone TO talk. So I lose. Every time. You get to calm your thoughts and do whatever else it is you need to do while pushing me to the side while I get to suffer…growing more and more anxious and angry. You don’t care though because you just do what’s best for YOU. There will never be any compromise on this and I think it sucks. I understand that the risks are that you might say something you don’t mean because you are upset…well guess what? I just might do the same thing if we wait!

So what is the compromise??

I’ll give you some time, but I’m talking hours…not days. Studies show that after 40 minutes someone is almost always calmed down if not stimulated and just left alone. I’ll give you that and then some! That should be enough time to make sure you don’t slip and say something you’ll regret later. And if it’s not well then, we’ll deal with it. That’s my compromise. I’d much rather talk NOW but out of respect for you and what works best for you, I’ll give you space as long as you give me communication thereafter and not days from the incident. Why can no one do this?! I really think its bullshit. But again, I can’t force someone to talk but they sure as hell can avoid me until they’re ready so by default I get to be the one who suffers when it comes to communication.


  1. NOT talking about it now, just delays the inevitable anyway and yes, I thoroughly believe it makes it worse. Great post girl! ;0)

  2. I agree with you Amy! Talking about the matter right away is better than waiting.I guess I am one of the few that needs close to no time at all to "calm down" About ten seconds and a smile works for me! I also believe in never going to bed mad or upset, it's just not healthy. I may be to laid back for some people but I think life is to short to let things like arguing take up any of my time on this earth. Besides in the end, does it really accomplish anything? Not in my life! I hate to think of you upset and I'm sorry you have to go through it! I think people saying they need to calm down before they "say something they don't mean" is a cop out!It is when our blood is pumping that our minds start releasing the truth, so when someone says something in the heat the moment, 98.63577% of the time they do mean it! Well I hope you can resolve the matter or find the strength to let it go and forgive and forget! Good luck!

  3. I am a believer of both sides to some degree. First, don't sweat the small stuff. If the fights seem to be over small things that really are not worth fighting about then walking away and calming down so that said person can come back to Earth and be rational.In 5 to 10 minutes you both should be able to mive on with no words even spoken. The one being silly knows it after a short period of time and the one on the other end should be big enough of a peson not to rub it in that it was a stupid fight. So those ones need nothing but a few minutes and hug or so immediately afer. DONE! But if it's something that is hurtful, or let's for "arguments" pun intented. Say the larger stuff, then I have ALWAYS been one that feels each person should be able to say their feelings. And on theri time. Maybe if someone has been drinknig or something it would be good to let it be till said person is sober, for the others words are unless anyway. If both parties are in every day land then I think both parties feelings should be respected. If you Amy need to deal with it now then deal with it now. It doesn't matter if the other doesn't want to. If they care about you and understand how things can fester, then why would they not give a little and just let you talk and try to understand your feelings.That is a part of love. Friendship or relationship. Caring about how the other feels is way up there on the list. Now of course, some are ready to jump dsown my throat and say well it goes both ways. I say, very true. However, said person can give a few times to talking and getting things out and you Amy can give in letting things go for an hour. I do not believe one should go over an hour without dealing with an issue. It isn't fair.And I mean it isn't fair to the ISSUE! zYup. the issue. If one doesn't address an issue then that issue becomes more than just the issue. It turns into caring about ones feelings, respect, allowing one to heal through getting things out. The issue not being addressed in and of itself IS the issue here. So no matter what you fight about it will never be the true problm=em. The true problem is NOT addrsseing the problem. With all the things that can happen in a day and all the issues we deal with, we should feel that with our partner or family, we can and are aloowed to let out our emotions at any time. If another loves you they will be in agreement with this.
    Some want to wait, not to calm down but because they don't like confrontation at all. So waiting is in hopes it will all just go away. That never happens.
    You shouldn't use the word compromise when you talk of this. I don't see compromise anywhere. Where is it?? If you are just giving in and not being met halfway, where is the compromise?? You are being told ,through silence and aviodance, that you are not important enough to stop for a few minutes, think about an issue , and talk about how not to have said issue happen again. You should'nt expect anything less.
    When we have kids ( or when you were a kid0 right away if you did something to another little one or your sibling, your Mother said "tell him/her sorry" You did and they did and you started playing and having fun 20 seconds later.
    Life is too short to hold onto things that one is not going to remember 5 years from now. Life is too short , to not be respected, and loved.
    Life is way too short to be crying anything but happy tears.
    Next time. write it down, say it in a mirror and make it twice as long as you would normally. Then in the fututr they will think do I want to deal now in 15 minutes time or deal later for 4 hours. Sometimes one has to use another system against them to get them to rethink said system. hahah.
    i, too, hope you work this out. BUT please, DO NOT settle!! You have a right to be with someone that cares about Amy,in the heat of battle/ or in the midst of the calm of the sea at sunset.

  4. Keep in mind that you may not get an honest response, or at least completely honest, from someone who is forced to deal with something they are not ready to. For instance, I need time to temper my emotions with thought and, well, time, because I know that emotions are not always linked to reality, and rather than respond to a situation emotionally when I know that not all of what I'm feeling is directly linked to the current situation, and knowing that how I feel will change with time, I'd rather wait until I am confident in my position and can stand behind it with certainty. If forced into talking about something too soon, I will be vague, unforthcoming, and will most likely build resentment for feeling cornered. Also remember that you will still be ready to talk about it when the other person is, which equals both parties being ready to talk, instead of the alternative where only one of you is. What you are seeking is release of the tension that you are feeling caused by the stress ofthe situation and the buildup of strong emotions, which is different than the relief of a good resolution to the problem at hand. That's the perfect time to focus on running or yoga, or possibly bashing a car with a sledge hammer ;) I completely understand the frustration however, and I do my best to have enough consideration for the other person to not make them wait longer than necessary. I also realize this line of thought makes me the classic stereotype for the male who is not in touch enough with my emotions, but it's what makes sense to me and has worked so much more than blurting out things I only regret later that lead to resentment building in someone I care about, which seems the exact opposite of that stereotype in my mind.