Some days I think about what life would be like if I were to stay single for the rest of my life and a huge smile appears on my face. I have come to realize this is not “normal” in thinking. Who doesn’t want someone to love them unconditionally and be there by their side through all of life’s treasures and trolley’s? Perhaps someone who hasn’t felt much unconditional love before.
One thing I know how to do well is take care of myself. I’ve been doing it for a long time and I think I’m pretty successful at it. With that being said I don’t need anyone and I don’t think that anyone should need me either. I don’t like to feel needed…it kind of turns me off. I know I can be replaced and I’m okay with that. I do what I do and if it involves enhancing peoples lives than that’s fantastic but they certainly don’t need me.
My brother Daniel recently told me something that stung at first to hear but made me come to a realization. He told me that maybe I’m always in a relationship because I’m looking for that one person who won’t abandon me and who will always be by my side. He pointed out how that’s how “family” works and that blood is in fact thicker than water. I pointed out how my friends are my family and I get that kind of love and support from them. Then he said “Yeah, but if it came down to it and they HAD to choose…they would pick their family over you.” At first I wanted to deny it but I couldn’t think of a situation where I would come before someone’s blood. Maybe not all of their relatives but at least one. That realization left me feeling a little sad and empty inside but I was glad he said it. What’s wrong with doing my own thing and enjoying my friends and myself and for that being enough? Why can’t that be enough in life to make me happy? Why must we search for more? So what if I don’t come first in anyone’s life. That doesn’t make me pathetic. It makes me strong and independent. It makes me feel like I have succeeded at getting to know myself and learning how to nurture and trust THAT.
This is not a pity blog. I know I could find someone who wants to spend their life with me. But what if I choose not to? Does that make me a freak? A bad person? Someone in denial? I don’t think so. I think it makes me focused on my very own happiness and not needing another human to try and create happiness for me. Yes, my friends add so much joy and happiness to my life. That is why I spend so much time with them. I love them and know they love me as well. Why can't having friends be enough? I know my opinions and feelings could change but for now, staying Amy Maharry forever sounds pretty good to me.
Monday, February 7, 2011
It’s interesting to me how priorities change through-out your lifetime. What is good to keep in mind is to revisit them (often) and be sure you have enough time to achieve all your goals. If you don’t, it’s probably time to re-prioritize. There is nothing wrong with doing this but I do find something wrong with not giving yourself enough time to give proper attention to the things that matter most to you. I know that everyone is busy and there never seems to be enough time to get “it” all done but with a little bit of reorganization you can and feel much less stressed in the process.
It is true that I don’t have a husband or any kids, so it might be a little easier for me. However, if I had kids I would do so knowing that I would have to rethink my priorities and adjust accordingly. I believe anyone can manage their time. With that being said my recent focus has been the following:
1. Work. I HAVE to pay my bills after all.
2. Focus on my diet and exercise which includes a goal to lose some weight and then maintain my weight after that.
3. My friends. Spending time with my friends and keeping a strong interest in their lives.
4. My alone time to do nothing or anything I want.
It might not sound like much to some of you but it’s a lot to keep up with. Almost all of my time is spent on one of these four things. I make time for these and don’t bend. Doing so would leave me feeling unsatisfied and I’m not willing to do that right now. Of course work schedules me but the other things I schedule time for. I MAKE TIME FOR THESE THINGS. And everything else comes after these. These are what are important to me NOW.
More recently I added another priority…my boyfriend. For a couple weeks I started to panic that there just wasn’t enough time for him right now. It scared me to think that our timing might be off and that it wouldn’t work out. It may sound silly to think that I would rather go to Bikram yoga than to spend time with him but right now it’s very important to me that I feel good about myself which includes working out. Of course I want to spend time with him but not if I’m going to be angry at myself in the morning when I step on the scale and knew I should have gone to yoga. No, I am not obsessed with working out. It’s just where my focus is right now in life. And there is nothing wrong with that.
So…I talked to him about all of this and decided that I wanted to make him more of a priority in my life. The item that I decided would get shifted around a bit is my time to myself. I realized that even if he’s present I can still behave how I would if I were alone. I can be as lazy, grungy, messy, or as busy as I want to be and he’s cool with it. I have also shifted around my work out times to make myself more available in the evenings for him and my friends who I spend a lot of time with.
It is all beginning to work out pretty well. I still feel like I have my focus without getting burned out by other things that just aren’t as meaningful to me. Everyone has their own list of priorities and it shouldn’t be very long. I have learned that five things is about the maximum. Time is limited and attempting to do too much will leave you exhausted all the time. Maybe it’s time you listed out your priorities and think about ways to improve your focus on them and ways to cut out the other things that aren’t as important.