Some days I think about what life would be like if I were to stay single for the rest of my life and a huge smile appears on my face. I have come to realize this is not “normal” in thinking. Who doesn’t want someone to love them unconditionally and be there by their side through all of life’s treasures and trolley’s? Perhaps someone who hasn’t felt much unconditional love before.
One thing I know how to do well is take care of myself. I’ve been doing it for a long time and I think I’m pretty successful at it. With that being said I don’t need anyone and I don’t think that anyone should need me either. I don’t like to feel needed…it kind of turns me off. I know I can be replaced and I’m okay with that. I do what I do and if it involves enhancing peoples lives than that’s fantastic but they certainly don’t need me.
My brother Daniel recently told me something that stung at first to hear but made me come to a realization. He told me that maybe I’m always in a relationship because I’m looking for that one person who won’t abandon me and who will always be by my side. He pointed out how that’s how “family” works and that blood is in fact thicker than water. I pointed out how my friends are my family and I get that kind of love and support from them. Then he said “Yeah, but if it came down to it and they HAD to choose…they would pick their family over you.” At first I wanted to deny it but I couldn’t think of a situation where I would come before someone’s blood. Maybe not all of their relatives but at least one. That realization left me feeling a little sad and empty inside but I was glad he said it. What’s wrong with doing my own thing and enjoying my friends and myself and for that being enough? Why can’t that be enough in life to make me happy? Why must we search for more? So what if I don’t come first in anyone’s life. That doesn’t make me pathetic. It makes me strong and independent. It makes me feel like I have succeeded at getting to know myself and learning how to nurture and trust THAT.
This is not a pity blog. I know I could find someone who wants to spend their life with me. But what if I choose not to? Does that make me a freak? A bad person? Someone in denial? I don’t think so. I think it makes me focused on my very own happiness and not needing another human to try and create happiness for me. Yes, my friends add so much joy and happiness to my life. That is why I spend so much time with them. I love them and know they love me as well. Why can't having friends be enough? I know my opinions and feelings could change but for now, staying Amy Maharry forever sounds pretty good to me.