Monday, August 23, 2010
A Lose-Lose Situation
Just when I start to feel normal again, something happens or is said that makes me rethink everything. And don’t get me wrong, I love to explore different aspects and avenues and in the process try to understand everyone else and myself better. But it becomes difficult and heavy when that “something” becomes my character. I still enjoy hearing different points of view on it but it often adds a cloud of depression overhead as well. I’ve spent many years trying to figure myself out and I regularly try to become a better person in the process. There are days when I feel like I’m doing very well and that I’m strong and capable and then there are others when I feel like I haven’t moved forward at all. I suppose everyone goes through these fluctuations but I seem to do it a lot. Choices I make never seem to leave me feeling peaceful. I guess I’m mostly talking about when it comes to relationships.
I always say that I’m not cut out to be in a relationship and I think I’m right. I have never had a man in my life not let me down, minus my grandfather and he has passed away. Because of this fact, I apparently put A LOT of pressure on guys I date. At the same time I think, in the back of my mind, that they too will let me down. I basically set up a no-win situation for them. I’m expecting them to become the first man in my life who hasn’t let me down while at the same time I am certain they won’t be. What kind of crazy shit is that?! I try not to behave this way but it is so engrained in me, I subconsciously sabotage myself and my love life. I thought I had gotten better but found out I continue to behave in the same ways. This is very frustrating to me! I do believe I should be able to find someone who will “put up” with this though. Especially seeing as how I put up with all their baggage. My baggage just doesn’t come in the form of kids, an ex-husband, debt, etc… Mine is my mind. So it’s harder to detect and is why often times my friends don’t know or believe me when I say I am no good to date. Even my psychologist is fooled. And this is why guys go running for the hills after a couple months of dating me.
Even though I think I will be able to find someone who will accept me the way I am, I do realize that is a LARGE burden to take on. The only plus I see, is that I acknowledge it as a flaw and I don’t feel good about behaving this way. At least I don’t go around oblivious to how it affects others and tell them to “deal with it”. I don’t want the man I love to have to “deal with it”. I don’t want to be this way! So my focus lately has been on having fun. That doesn’t get me very far either. I think too much. I worry too much. And I let myself down too much. The solution? No more men for me until I can get a handle on how I treat them. That’s right. My fragile, complex mind can’t handle that kind of intimacy right now. You will never win with me and somehow I end up hurting in the end. I do it to myself and yet make you feel like you were never good enough for me. I throw you into the huge pile of other men who never measured up. That can’t feel good. And while some of the men have proven to not be good enough, the truth is, they didn’t have an honest chance to begin with either way. So how do I really know if someone is good enough or not or if I just assume they aren’t at the beginning? See how tiring my mind can make me?
So for now, I will focus on me and what it is I need to do to get over being angry that every man in my life has let me down. I know this stems from my father but has gone much deeper than that and much more out of control. I want to someday be in a healthy relationship and function normally. I just need to figure out how to achieve this before attempting it.