The Shanty

The Shanty
where I grew up

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Accepting My LARGE Self

Just over 3 years ago I had surgery on my left foot. This was also the same time that John moved to Tucson. In the year following these events I gained 50 pounds. Partly due to not being able to get around much and partly due to the new relationship “curse” where you become super comfortable and tend to eat like crap. It has been a rough three years since then regarding weight.

It seems as though no matter what I do or try I can’t drop the weight I gained. I have lost some but not nearly as much as I want to. It’s okay though because recently I have been working with my personal trainer at the gym to change my eating habits. This has been very effective and I definitely feel much better and I know that I am healthy, (my blood work from the doctor’s office verifies this). However, I just can’t seem to drop the weight. I am not looking for suggestions or opinions as to why this might be. I believe it has to do with a mental block of some sort. No matter though, the important thing is that I’m healthy and I physically feel good.

Does that mean I’m comfortable with the way I look?? Hell no. It really bothers me actually—especially when I see pictures of myself. I feel okay until I see how big I actually look in a picture. This would normally keep me from taking photos or posting photos but I realized that this reasoning is bullshit. Anyone can take a good picture at just the right angle to make themselves look prettier or thinner or whatever. But you still aren’t fooling yourself so what’s the point? I don’t want to not post pictures because I feel fat and disgusting. I want to post them, showing events and my involvement. I almost didn’t post the picture of me with my brother because I know I look HUGE. But that made me sad because the picture isn’t about me, it’s about him and how awesome he did! Who cares what I look like?? I was happy and proud and that’s all that should matter.

I know people who don’t see me regularly look at pictures I post and think “damn, she gained a lot of weight,” and you know what, you’re right! But I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and eventually the weight will come off but in the meantime LIFE HAPPENS. It’s okay if you look at pictures of me and wonder what happened and that I used to look so much better. Trust me, I know this. But to not post pictures and capture moments would be far sadder than wondering what people are thinking about me.

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