The Feeling of Need

I just realized that I sort of left my last story hanging…

Since I last posted I have seen John two times. Once when he came out to Tucson and then again when I went back East for Thanksgiving to be with him. So it’s apparent, after saying that, that things went well right? RIGHT. Things went so extremely well that I had my flight booked for Thanksgiving before he was even on the plane back home to Mass!

It’s hard to describe what it was like when John showed up at my house for the first time. I had been up for several hours in anticipation and excitement and as the time got closer to him showing up the more I felt like I was going to puke. I must have peed 10 times in that last hour and my heart was racing. Of course we were used to looking at each other over Skype but it was much different in real life. I guess there is nervousness for any new couple but since that moment had been built up for a month it was extra intense. But just as we thought, things went really well. We were comfortable and familiar enough with one another that things just clicked and we got along better than I even expected. There were no awkward moments and you could feel our excitement bouncing around the room. It was apparent we were equally pleased with how this monumental event was going.

Meeting his family for the first time for Thanksgiving couldn’t have gone better either! Everyone was so kind and welcoming that it would have been impossible for me to not feel comfortable and accepted. John had some concerns of his family’s behavior but I absolutely loved them. They were all very down to earth, fun, real people that I could relate to well. These were no bullshit types of people who constantly threw around jokes and humor which is exactly what I love.

I could go on and on about how his trip out here went or how my trip there went but there is something more important that I want to turn the focus toward—the moment I felt something different than I’ve ever felt before. The moment I felt so overwhelmed with admiration and emotion I basically freaked the fuck out. It was the moment I felt like I needed John. Not just that I wanted him in my life, not just that I really like him, and not just that I felt I should say I need him because guys like that stuff, but the actual feeling of need. (This hit me inbetween trips).

Those of you who know me well know this is not something I typically feel. In fact I’ve been known to boast about not needing anyone for anything because let’s face it, love is not a necessity of life. And even as much as I love my friends I know that without them I wouldn’t die. And I guess that’s always the “hard core” way I’ve looked at things. To me “need” is something that without it you’ll die. Silly me! Why I’m so rigid with my words I’m not sure but I am. If I take the rigidity out of it however, I do in fact need my friends in order to feel a level of happiness I otherwise couldn’t achieve on my own. And that’s just it…there are many levels of happiness in life. The following is a series of diagrams of my moods and how they’ve fluctuated. Upon realizing these differences it has made me realize that I do in fact need John to reach a level of happiness I’ve never known before. This was by no means an easy realization for me. I completely freaked out! You see, feeling THAT happy is completely foreign to me…I was pretty sure it was unattainable. There are many reasons John is able to see me at this level. Many reasons that no one has offered to me before. The biggest is his ability to “get” me and to be there for me emotionally. I have been forever told that I’m hard to understand and that you have to be careful with how you are toward me. I’ve never quite understood this but accepted it to be true since so many people have expressed this to me. To know that there is someone that understands me and knows just what to say and how to behave toward me is amazing. Of course that’s not all there is but that plays a huge part into me accepting that I need someone…I need John.

To reach the age of 32 (damn near anyway) and never having known what extreme happiness is makes it that much sweeter now that I do. I have claimed to be happy before, and I often am. However, this kind of happiness is completely different. And I know that I say “this time is different” a lot too but this time is not only different but a whole new experience for me. My world would be turned upside down without John in it. That is hard for me to admit. I like that he gets to see the vulnerable side of me though and that I’m not afraid to show it to him (well sometimes it takes a while for me to get there but I eventually do). I feel safe with him.

If you’ve never experienced a (healthy) feeling of need for someone then I say keep looking. Don’t settle for good when amazing can be achieved. Don’t stay close to extreme happiness when you can go above that line. I can try to explain it but honestly it’s a feeling that can only be felt and when it hits you, you’ll wonder how you ever got through life without it. Or maybe you’ve always been a happy person and this type of thing happens all the time for you. But for ME, happiness is not easy and extreme happiness is down right foreign…until now. This should explain a little better the excitement and enthusiasm I have for my future. This is the real deal and my smile couldn’t be bigger.