Getting used to being fat is not easy. In fact it’s downright
depressing. When nothing fits right anymore and no matter how you angle a
mirror you still look fat…it’s hard to accept. I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
And I feel disgusting.
I started gaining weight around the time I met John, last
September. It didn’t become very apparent however until I had my foot surgery
mid-February. Being immobile makes it
very hard to burn calories. Laying around all day makes it easy to eat a lot
too. Mix those two things together and voila…weight gain central. It’s been
five months since my surgery and I’m just now getting back to being active
again. Well, kind of. I’m still very limited on what I can do. I discovered I’m
nowhere near ready for running :(
And I can only be on my feet for so long before I need to rest them. I’m not
trying to make any excuses…I know it just means I have to work extra hard at
the things I can do. I’ve been doing well with eating. I balance a pretty healthy
diet. But diet alone isn’t getting me where I want to be.
When I had surgery on my right foot, around 10 years ago, I lost
weight. I thought this time would be the
same. I kind of forgot that thing called age and how being fit becomes much
harder the older you get…ugh. I also didn’t have someone by my side the entire
time I was recovering last time to get me whatever I wanted, including food. So
naturally I put on some weight this time around. I mean it makes sense to me…if
I were anyone else. But since I am ME I think I’m a failure now that I am heavier.
I know I will lose the weight that I want to but in the meantime, being fat
sucks. I can’t imagine how it would feel if I were unhealthy too! At least I
have my health but being larger than I’m used to is very difficult for me. I
can’t bring myself to accept it. I know it’s my fault and that’s the hardest
part. I feel like I really let myself down.
