If Size Was Only Just a Number...

Getting used to being fat is not easy. In fact it’s downright depressing. When nothing fits right anymore and no matter how you angle a mirror you still look fat…it’s hard to accept. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. And I feel disgusting.

I started gaining weight around the time I met John, last September. It didn’t become very apparent however until I had my foot surgery mid-February.  Being immobile makes it very hard to burn calories. Laying around all day makes it easy to eat a lot too. Mix those two things together and voila…weight gain central. It’s been five months since my surgery and I’m just now getting back to being active again. Well, kind of. I’m still very limited on what I can do. I discovered I’m nowhere near ready for running :( And I can only be on my feet for so long before I need to rest them. I’m not trying to make any excuses…I know it just means I have to work extra hard at the things I can do. I’ve been doing well with eating. I balance a pretty healthy diet. But diet alone isn’t getting me where I want to be.

When I had surgery on my right foot, around 10 years ago, I lost weight.  I thought this time would be the same. I kind of forgot that thing called age and how being fit becomes much harder the older you get…ugh. I also didn’t have someone by my side the entire time I was recovering last time to get me whatever I wanted, including food. So naturally I put on some weight this time around. I mean it makes sense to me…if I were anyone else. But since I am ME I think I’m a failure now that I am heavier. I know I will lose the weight that I want to but in the meantime, being fat sucks. I can’t imagine how it would feel if I were unhealthy too! At least I have my health but being larger than I’m used to is very difficult for me. I can’t bring myself to accept it. I know it’s my fault and that’s the hardest part. I feel like I really let myself down.