Just over 3 years ago I had surgery on my left foot. This
was also the same time that John moved to Tucson. In the year following these
events I gained 50 pounds. Partly due to not being able to get around much and
partly due to the new relationship “curse” where you become super comfortable
and tend to eat like crap. It has been a rough three years since then regarding
weight.
It seems as though no matter what I do or try I can’t drop
the weight I gained. I have lost some but not nearly as much as I want to. It’s
okay though because recently I have been working with my personal trainer at
the gym to change my eating habits. This has been very effective and I
definitely feel much better and I know that I am healthy, (my blood work from
the doctor’s office verifies this). However, I just can’t seem to drop the
weight. I am not looking for suggestions or opinions as to why this might be. I
believe it has to do with a mental block of some sort. No matter though, the
important thing is that I’m healthy and I physically feel good.
Does that mean I’m comfortable with the way I look?? Hell
no. It really bothers me actually—especially when I see pictures of myself. I
feel okay until I see how big I actually look in a picture. This would normally
keep me from taking photos or posting photos but I realized that this reasoning
is bullshit. Anyone can take a good picture at just the right angle to make
themselves look prettier or thinner or whatever. But you still aren’t fooling
yourself so what’s the point? I don’t want to not post pictures because I feel
fat and disgusting. I want to post them, showing events and my involvement. I
almost didn’t post the picture of me with my brother because I know I look
HUGE. But that made me sad because the picture isn’t about me, it’s about him
and how awesome he did! Who cares what I look like?? I was happy and proud and
that’s all that should matter.
I know people who don’t see me regularly look at pictures I
post and think “damn, she gained a lot of weight,” and you know what, you’re
right! But I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and eventually the weight will
come off but in the meantime LIFE HAPPENS. It’s okay if you look at pictures of
me and wonder what happened and that I used to look so much better. Trust me, I
know this. But to not post pictures and capture moments would be far sadder
than wondering what people are thinking about me.
