Tough Mudder Arizona 2012

“Why?! Why do you do these things to yourself?!”

That’s been a common question I’m asked when people see the bruises and scrapes I received from completing Tough Mudder this weekend. I mostly laugh it off because I feel that trying to explain it to them would serve no purpose. They will still just see it as a pointless activity that does harm to my body. Little do they know the rewards that come with each and every bruise, sore muscle, swollen joint, and multiple scrapes far outweighs the visible damage they see.

I will be the first to admit that I was in no shape to run the Tough Mudder event. So much has been going on in my life lately that my health routine got tossed to the wayside and I just recently decided to get back on track with it. I had planned on skipping this event altogether because I was embarrassed by my lack of commitment to train for what is called “The Toughest Event on the Planet.” I would surely be a joke and I had no business competing with the people who actually prepared. But that’s just it…TM is not a competition. It is a test of courage, strength, and camaraderie. Remembering that and receiving encouraging texts to still go from my buddy Dave, I decided I would not give up before I even started.

I knew my performance would not be nearly as good as I had originally hoped when I signed up several months earlier but I decided that I would have to be okay with that. My goal was to finish and to at least attempt every obstacle. I decided not to worry about my performance as much as just getting through it. Little did I know my calves would decide to continually cramp and seize up on me starting just before mile 5. The event was 12.5 miles long. Not even half way through and my legs were not cooperating. Great. How would I be able to complete the course with legs that kept locking up? Slow and steadily that’s how. I was not going to quit. I would never have lived with myself had I given up. I would have to continue on and do my best despite the struggles I was enduring.

I had planned on putting all fears aside and using my mind power to force me to do all that I am afraid of. Well, that’s a little easier said than done, haha. I DID do a couple things I’m afraid of but I also chickened out on some others. I’m okay with that though. I thought I’d be more disappointed than I am but I’m not. Individually, none of the obstacles were so difficult they couldn’t be done but put them all together and each one became that much harder. Wait, I take it back…the Berlin Walls were nasty. I cleared one and decided not to even attempt any of the other ones. At 12 feet high, muddy, wet, and slippery with no help up but a little slab of wood about 3 feet up and fellow Mudders straddling the top to help pull people up, this was not my obstacle. My fear of falling and lack of upper body strength kept me from completing the 4 sets of two or three through-out the course.

The most challenging event for me (besides those ugly walls) was the high jump into the 12 ft of water below. The climb to get up to the jumping platform was hard enough but once I looked over the edge fear came over me and I was petrified to jump. This really surprised me. I’m not afraid of heights but falling and water are not my friends. I stood up there probably 40 minutes (yes, you read that correctly) trying to convince myself to jump from 15 feet in the air. But my fear won and I ended up going back down. I was pretty disappointed but proud of myself for staying up there that long and not giving up right away.

The obstacle I surprised myself the most on was probably the one called Arctic Enema. Yep. You had to jump into ice water, swim underneath a board and come up the other side in even more ice. Sounds easy enough right? Well again, I have a fear of water and was really dreading this obstacle. Surprisingly I did it with no issues. I tend to get disoriented in water very easily but didn’t this time despite how cold and scared I was.

There were several obstacles I did modified versions of. For instance, jumping from mud platform to mud platform… Instead I jumped down in the ditch and pulled myself up the other side (with assistance most of the time). I think that was the more tiring way to go but I didn’t trust my jumping abilities. I enjoyed the obstacles that had us crawling or squeezing in and out of pipes or underground trenches. I thought those ones were fun and much nicer to my comfort zone.

And then there was my least favorite and most favorite obstacle. These obstacles were actually the same one if you can believe that- Electroshock Therapy. I loved and hated it for different reasons. I actually enjoyed getting shocked! I mean that shit hurt but it was such a different feeling. I have never been shocked before and it was surprising to me to experience what it does to your body! These were 10,000 volt shocks and when you got hit by one it would knock you down! I loved seeing big, strong me get thrown to the mud like sacks of potatoes! The obstacle was set up to where there was a few feet of mud water that you could either go belly down and scoot along or try to run through. The crowd could see when the operator of the obstacle would turn off the electricity and they would yell at everyone to get up and run! That was fine until it got turned back on and you were shocked repeatedly knocking you back down into the mud! The reason I hated this obstacle is because it was the only one that people weren’t polite about. When the crowd yelled “run!” participants didn’t care who was in the way, they stood up and trampled those of us on the ground. That I could have done without. But the experience of something new I liked. It definitely hurt though!

Overall the event was put together well and all the participants were very nice, helpful, and encouraging. It was great to see so many people come together and focus more on helping to assure everyone finished rather than making the best individual time. Everyone waited their turn and no one made fun of anyone for being scared to do any of the obstacles. I felt very comfortable and encouraged. I also had an amazing teammate who was held back because of me but never complained about it. He was very supportive and stuck by me the entire time. I definitely know the things I want to train for—jumping across things, pulling myself up things, and jumping into water from high up. I also need to work on my overall strength and endurance. This event put some motivation in me and made me realize that you really can do anything you set your mind to.

So why do I do these types of events? To remind myself that I am stronger than I think I am. To remind myself that mind really does win over matter. And to be a part of something that donates to a great cause and teaches you the importance of overcoming your fears and doing your personal best. I might barely be able to move today but at least I’m alive and able. Thank you to all the wounded warriors out there who allow me to live freely. It’s because of you that this weekend I became a Tough Mudder.

Caution: Sap ahead...in poem form

You Are My Love

I have no idea how I ever got along without you.

Our minds are so beautifully intertwined.

Our logic bouncing down the same dirt road.

At least half of my ability to love never reached capacity without you.

My lips grinned wide but my heart never made it past a smirk.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

At least I knew what I thought it should be.

How we merged together to become something spectacular

I will forever be grateful.

My days shine brighter, my nights glow softer.

You tell me I am beautiful and maybe you are right

For I have never felt as gorgeous as I do knowing you love me.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

And then I learned love could be so much more.

It’s the feeling of suffocating at the thought of ever losing you.

It’s the invisible touch of your hand in mine when I need it most.

It’s the excitement I feel at the mere sight of you smiling.

And it’s knowing that no matter what day, time, or location

I can feel a halo of affection protecting me and all my feelings.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

And then I met you.

My beliefs suddenly flattened by care and attention.

My views whittled into something I now laugh at.

You made it easy to hear me.

You made it easy to feel me.

And you made it easy to love me.

Now I’m sure I know what love is…

It’s the intense desire and need I feel when I think of you.

The Feeling of Need

I just realized that I sort of left my last story hanging…

Since I last posted I have seen John two times. Once when he came out to Tucson and then again when I went back East for Thanksgiving to be with him. So it’s apparent, after saying that, that things went well right? RIGHT. Things went so extremely well that I had my flight booked for Thanksgiving before he was even on the plane back home to Mass!

It’s hard to describe what it was like when John showed up at my house for the first time. I had been up for several hours in anticipation and excitement and as the time got closer to him showing up the more I felt like I was going to puke. I must have peed 10 times in that last hour and my heart was racing. Of course we were used to looking at each other over Skype but it was much different in real life. I guess there is nervousness for any new couple but since that moment had been built up for a month it was extra intense. But just as we thought, things went really well. We were comfortable and familiar enough with one another that things just clicked and we got along better than I even expected. There were no awkward moments and you could feel our excitement bouncing around the room. It was apparent we were equally pleased with how this monumental event was going.

Meeting his family for the first time for Thanksgiving couldn’t have gone better either! Everyone was so kind and welcoming that it would have been impossible for me to not feel comfortable and accepted. John had some concerns of his family’s behavior but I absolutely loved them. They were all very down to earth, fun, real people that I could relate to well. These were no bullshit types of people who constantly threw around jokes and humor which is exactly what I love.

I could go on and on about how his trip out here went or how my trip there went but there is something more important that I want to turn the focus toward—the moment I felt something different than I’ve ever felt before. The moment I felt so overwhelmed with admiration and emotion I basically freaked the fuck out. It was the moment I felt like I needed John. Not just that I wanted him in my life, not just that I really like him, and not just that I felt I should say I need him because guys like that stuff, but the actual feeling of need. (This hit me inbetween trips).

Those of you who know me well know this is not something I typically feel. In fact I’ve been known to boast about not needing anyone for anything because let’s face it, love is not a necessity of life. And even as much as I love my friends I know that without them I wouldn’t die. And I guess that’s always the “hard core” way I’ve looked at things. To me “need” is something that without it you’ll die. Silly me! Why I’m so rigid with my words I’m not sure but I am. If I take the rigidity out of it however, I do in fact need my friends in order to feel a level of happiness I otherwise couldn’t achieve on my own. And that’s just it…there are many levels of happiness in life. The following is a series of diagrams of my moods and how they’ve fluctuated. Upon realizing these differences it has made me realize that I do in fact need John to reach a level of happiness I’ve never known before. This was by no means an easy realization for me. I completely freaked out! You see, feeling THAT happy is completely foreign to me…I was pretty sure it was unattainable. There are many reasons John is able to see me at this level. Many reasons that no one has offered to me before. The biggest is his ability to “get” me and to be there for me emotionally. I have been forever told that I’m hard to understand and that you have to be careful with how you are toward me. I’ve never quite understood this but accepted it to be true since so many people have expressed this to me. To know that there is someone that understands me and knows just what to say and how to behave toward me is amazing. Of course that’s not all there is but that plays a huge part into me accepting that I need someone…I need John.

To reach the age of 32 (damn near anyway) and never having known what extreme happiness is makes it that much sweeter now that I do. I have claimed to be happy before, and I often am. However, this kind of happiness is completely different. And I know that I say “this time is different” a lot too but this time is not only different but a whole new experience for me. My world would be turned upside down without John in it. That is hard for me to admit. I like that he gets to see the vulnerable side of me though and that I’m not afraid to show it to him (well sometimes it takes a while for me to get there but I eventually do). I feel safe with him.

If you’ve never experienced a (healthy) feeling of need for someone then I say keep looking. Don’t settle for good when amazing can be achieved. Don’t stay close to extreme happiness when you can go above that line. I can try to explain it but honestly it’s a feeling that can only be felt and when it hits you, you’ll wonder how you ever got through life without it. Or maybe you’ve always been a happy person and this type of thing happens all the time for you. But for ME, happiness is not easy and extreme happiness is down right foreign…until now. This should explain a little better the excitement and enthusiasm I have for my future. This is the real deal and my smile couldn’t be bigger.

Love At First Skype

"Distance means so little when someone means so much."

There is no way I would ever consider being in a long distance relationship! How many times have you caught yourself denying a person based on one or two specifications? I hear it all the time... “I would NEVER date a smoker!” “I would never date someone with kids!” “I would never…blah, blah, blah”. I’ve tried to explain to people that if you met the right person, those things wouldn’t matter anymore. However I realized I was still doing the same thing I just thought mine made more sense. Why would anyone want to date someone who didn’t live in the same state or even same town as you?!

Now don’t get me wrong. There are definitely deal breakers that people have that hold more value than just what they do in their spare time or what their past entailed. Some people are adamant on mutual religion, others on race. And still others on criminal background, political affiliation, etc… These are still things that don’t seem like they should be a deal breaker to me but everyone has at least one and I try not to judge what yours might be. My deal breaker is that the person can not be an alcoholic. I’ve dealt with enough of that in one life time that I’m not willing to bend on it in my future. The rest of the things people proclaim they will not put up with really are petty and not true. You may try to argue with me on this but I know that certain things, if revealed appropriately, will not be as big of a deal as you think they are if you find true love. The key is to not be so close minded that you let someone really great pass you by because you’re caught up on something so insignificant. The key is to open your mind and turn those deal breakers into things you’d prefer weren’t so but not something that makes you completely look away.

I was recently faced with this and that’s how I’m quite certain deal breakers you train yourself to believe don’t really exist. While I was in Boston visiting my very good friend Kim I met someone. I met this random guy one drunken night at the bar while out for Kim’s birthday. He and I shared a couple drinks, danced a bit, and exchanged phone numbers all in the span of around 30 minutes and that was that. Or so I thought…

We spent the next couple days, weeks, texting, talking, and Skyping. Living out some long distance fantasy that would never be anything more than that. Perhaps we would meet somewhere, somewhere like the City of Sin, and have some whirlwind rendezvous! I mean, why not?! We were both single and the excitement of doing something so outside of my comfort zone sounded like just what I needed! And that’s just it…I was outside of my comfort zone. What about this guy was making me feel comfortable to behave and think in ways I never have before? Was it the safety of distance? The safety knowing that nothing would ever actually come of this? Perhaps. But either way I liked it. I became someone I always knew I could be but never could draw out of myself. And now this guy who was nearly 3,000 miles away was encouraging this side of me that I was really starting to like and feel comfortable with.

Well, some more time went by and this fantasy was quickly shaping into more than just some lustful dream. I was actually beginning to like this guy. I won’t go into too much detail here but he and I have a lot in common. I joke and say that I think we share part of the same brain. How could I be falling for someone over text and Skype though? No. I would just suppress my feelings and go back to thinking in hot, steamy fantasy land. So much for that effort. It was useless, I couldn’t help it…I was actually falling for him. Fortunately for me, he was feeling the same way. We knew it didn’t make logical sense but we couldn’t deny our hearts just the same. And being the logical people that we both are made this admittance difficult. So he made plans to come to Tucson. He knows one other person here, who he’s staying with so that made the planning and arrangements that much "safer" and secure for us and our loved ones.

Once the ticket had been purchased we decided to do a “dry run” if you will, on being exclusive. We still knew that it wasn’t very realistic or plausible but we both cared and trusted the other enough to give it a shot to see how it’d go. Then after his visit we would re-evaluate and figure out what our next move would be, if any at all. This past month has actually been very easy for me as far as being committed to a man so far away. No one here even comes close to catching or keeping my attention the way he does. I know I don’t want this to end but come on! A long distance relationship? Really?? Yes, really. There is a good chance it won’t be long distance for too long but even if it were I know he is worth it. No one has ever been so thoughtful and attentive to me. No one has ever quite gotten how my mind works before until now. No one has ever not wanted kids in the same capacity as me! Ha! Yes, that’s right…such a hard thing to find and yet I did. And for once in my life I found someone willing to put in as much effort as I am and to be available as much as I am.

His trip out to Tucson is kind of the last “test” to be sure we are as compatible as we feel we are. So far we have been missing touch, smell, and just actual presence of one another. I don’t see how it could possibly go wrong but we are both aware that there is a chance it could. Neither of us wants that to happen even though if things didn’t work out it would be a lot easier on us both. I don’t want easy though. I want the relationship I’ve held out for that I always knew existed. Have I said this before and been wrong? Of course. But with each failed relationship I learn more about myself and what I need out of a relationship. So for those of you who are holding back excitement for me because you feel “here she goes again” can seriously go fuck yourselves. And those of you who feel “how could she fall for someone so fast and over text and Skype no less?!” can hopefully learn something from this post. I was one of those doubters. I was someone who felt it took much, much longer to know if you were in love. Well, sometimes logic is wrong. I know this now. And I’m not going to fight it. I will do whatever I need to do to make this work out. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time (no offense to anyone else) and I’m cherishing every moment of it.

Tomorrow morning I will get to see John for basically the first time. We’ll get to share our first kiss and our first live moments together as a couple. From everything I’ve learned so far, between the 8,000 plus texts and hours upon hours of Skype and phone time, I have fallen in love with this man and I’m not ashamed to admit it or to go for it all the way. And if for some reason things don’t work out…this journey has been worth it a million times over. I’m so excited for tomorrow and for every day that follows. What started as just a fantasy has turned into something much more meaningful. How can I not be excited for that?! How can I not appreciate the way things have gone thus far? The irony of having two logical minds come together at the heart is enough to make me want more.

Onward and Upward

Looks like I bit the dust again. Another relationship failed because I wasn’t a priority. Guys always try to word it differently stating that’s not the case at all. But it is. If someone doesn’t make time for me, makes no attempt at all, then it’s because I’m not a priority. It means there are other things more important. It means there are other things they’d rather be focused on (which is fine, I just wish they'd admit it). I’ve been told that making time is impossible but c’mon now, that’s just silly. Nothing is impossible when it comes to our actions. Our actions are choices we choose or don’t choose to make. We all have become overwhelmed at some point and we all know that when that happens “something’s got to give”. What does that “something” end up being? Whatever is the least important out of whatever is causing the stress. In most relationships that something ends up being me. I’ve had a really hard time dealing with this in the past but have since decided that I’m not about to get sad over someone who didn’t think I was important enough. It may sound like I’m bitter but I’m really not. It’s just the fact of the matter. And I’m at peace with this fact. It is what it is and there’s no sense being sad over something I can’t control. I’d rather be happy and enjoy life and spend time with those who do view me as someone special enough in their lives.

No Tears

I’ve learned not to waste my tears.
When it becomes easy to dispose of me
I thank you.
Thank you for releasing my happiness
And the ability to no longer feel for you.
I have learned that if something is worth it,
Something is so important and wanted,
You’ll make it happen.
At least I will.
It’s always so easy for them to let me go.
Which always made it easy for me to cry.
Not special enough I always felt but now,
Too special for someone as unwilling as you.
I’m not going to be sad.
My life is wonderful--
The life I choose for myself and focus toward myself.
Because we all choose how to live and I,
I will not waste my tears.

Admission is the Hardest Step

I recently talked about turning points in life. I named my 10 year high school reunion as my biggest one and while this is true I have decided to talk about another one. One that is a bit more difficult for me but one I feel I want to share. Hopefully anyone else dealing with the same thing will be able to relate and those who aren’t will maybe understand me a little better or someone else you know dealing with this.

I have been consistently going to a psychologist for geez maybe 7 years now…it’s been so long I don’t even remember. I do know it’s been a long time though. Finally about 3 years ago I agreed to see a psychiatrist to see about getting a prescription for something to help my life-long battle with anxiety and depression. Don’t get me wrong, I work VERY hard on myself and resisted for a very long time to even consider getting any kind of medicinal aid to my condition. However, I never seemed to fully have control over my emotions and so reluctantly I agreed.

I went through several psychiatrists and several different medications before I found someone I liked and a combination of pills that seemed to work. It has only been around a year or maybe 2 now. Anyway, I have continued to see my psychologist as well since I have always been convinced that my “condition” is something I can fix all on my own (I'm also a big believer in continued self improvement through-out life). There have even been a couple times I foolishly decided to take myself off my medication because “it doesn’t work anyway” and I had been feeling really well. Little did I want to admit, but there was a reason I had been feeling so good. And sure enough, a couple weeks after purposely missing doses here and there I felt awful. I was back in the depression hole. Yes, missing just one dose affects me that much.

I have cautiously agreed that my medication does in fact work and have accepted that it’s probably something I will have to take for the rest of my life to keep my emotions leveled out. Deep down I still believe this to be false though. I think it’s because I don’t feel any different when I take my medication therefore it must not be doing anything. Well, I recently accidentally forgot to take my pills on two separate days about a week apart. I felt scared that it might catch up with me as it had before but didn’t want to really believe that might happen. But just as before, it did.

I was sitting at work and suddenly for no reason at all felt very sad and tears started to fall. Nothing crazy but definitely a physical and mental sadness. This in turn made me very angry that two stupid little pills a day had that much control over me. It instantly made me feel embarrassed, foolish, weak, and flat out like a pretty sorry human being. That then snowballed in to a whole mess of things which lead to anger and disappointment in myself.

In my life I very, very rarely have highs. I’m pretty much a person that is just above a depressed level on a good day and pretty low on a bad day. My medication pushes me up a little higher and my lows generally become what my old highs were. When I don’t take my medication it completely throws me off and puts me back into the negative state I have been so used to in life. It’s a scary feeling and often leaves me feeling hopeless and lost. It also makes me suddenly feel disconnected from everyone and everything. This can be overwhelming and confusing for me let alone for someone else who is trying to make sense of it and make me feel better.

I don’t expect people to understand. But I also don’t expect people to try to figure it out and come up with their own assumptions and conclusions. I also don’t like when people try to downplay the severity of my feelings. Because guess what? They are my feelings and they are very real. I wish more than anything I didn’t need the extra help. You have no idea how disappointing it is for me. But I also believe that there is some truth to it and if it makes me feel better than hey, I’ve spent enough of my life feeling miserable that I might as well stick with what works for me so I don’t have to feel miserable anymore.

So when I have a bad day and I seem completely unreasonable and confusing you need to trust that it’s a million times worse for me. I don’t need you to understand or even have sympathy for me but perhaps a little compassion would be nice. I also wish people would understand that it’s not THEIR fault. Don’t try to read into my feelings and begin to take blame for why I’m so unhappy. It’s a moment that I’m going through and trust me, it sucks. It is not something I am proud of but hey, it’s me, and that I’m okay with.

A Much Calmer Me

It’s been a while. I guess I haven’t been angry about anything lately or annoyed enough to write what I typically write about—annoyances of mine. I’m still not sure I have anything negative to bitch about. I’ve become a lot calmer and much easier going recently. I think I’ve pretty much mastered the “who cares” theory.

A good example would be the workplace. People constantly bitch about those who do not pick up after themselves (especially in the kitchen), those who do not leave common areas neat and tidy, and people who have no bathroom manners. I find it humorous how worked up some people get about these things. My thinking is that there are over 50 people at my work; there is no way that all 50+ are going to be courteous, neat, and tidy. NO WAY. I don’t care how many signs you post, how many times you send out an email, etc… not everyone is going to abide. So what is the point in getting upset? There is no point. It’s common sense that not everyone is going to behave in the “correct” way. It takes less time to clean up the mess or refill the water bottle than it does to get angry. First of all, you will never know who the culprit is unless you waste even more time spying. So why bother getting worked up about it? An alternative would be to shake your head and think, “I don’t understand some people” and then let it go. It’s so much easier that way.

That is one example of calming myself down. Of course, that’s a lot easier to do when dealing with a big group of people. One on one is a bit different because now you’re just dealing with one person’s behavior and not a mysterious few out of a large sum. What I have learned to do in these types of cases is NOT change my behavior. I’m usually pretty punctual but have a lot of friends that aren’t. Well, if it’s dinner plans we have and they’re late and I’m hungry…I go ahead and eat. I don’t get mad but I also don’t wait. If I were to wait I’d probably get upset and that’s not cool. So instead of sitting there hungry and pissy I go ahead with the plans and begin to eat. I do this with other things too. The trick here is to continue on without getting upset. So when they finally show up you shouldn’t say “Well it’s about time. I was starving so I started without out” coldly with a smirk on your face. This will come off as rude and vengeful. Instead, say “Oh hey! No worry about being late, it happens. I was really hungry though so I hope you don’t mind that I started without you.” I have never gotten a negative response to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, don’t change who you are. If a dirty microwave bothers you and you see at work it’s filthy…clean it. Don’t go into a rage about how unfair and messed up it is that someone left it like that. And don’t protest to clean it since you didn’t make the mess. Just clean it. And if a dirty microwave doesn’t bother you then put your food in and hit Start. Likewise, don’t change your plans and demeanor based on others’ actions. If you’re tired of waiting because someone else is holding up the plans, then go on without them but remember to stay pleasant about it. Don’t get upset…just do it knowing that they’ll understand. And it’s okay to apologize for it but do so in a way that let’s them know that you weren’t trying to “get back at them” but rather you were simply trying to stay on schedule so you wouldn’t get upset.

It really is simple. Don’t get upset AND be yourself. That’s really all it takes. I have to remind myself a lot but when I do remember I find myself much happier and more at peace overall.