Running Blues

My focus is all over the place lately. There is some family drama that is causing me a ton of unwelcomed stress. This has caused my diet and exercise structure to turn to shit. I have continued to run but that’s about it. Instead of working out, I meet up with friends for dinner and drinks. Granted, I have always done this but it’s usually only post-workout and not a replacement. So my weight has gone up a tad and my mood and esteem of myself has gone down the toilet. I ran my first ever ½ marathon yesterday though. As much as my running has sucked lately, I somehow felt exceptionally well during the race and finished faster than I thought I would! I’m still very slow so it took me 2:46:30 to finish but for me, that’s good. This course was difficult as it was full of hills. I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me a little that no one came out to support me. I guess I got spoiled on the full I ran in January. At least I had my teammates- Bertha, Myrna, Sara, and Marsha. We all ended up coming in at different times but we congratulated each other just the same. It is true that I run for ME but if I ran alone AND there was no one there to say “Congratulations!” at the end, I’m not sure I would keep it up. Maybe I would but it would be a lot more difficult to motivate myself and stay on track so to speak. I’m not upset that no one came out…I know that people have things going on, I guess I was just a little sad. My mood has not been great lately and it’s a lot harder to keep myself smiling. Good thing running makes me feel so good! I didn’t let it keep me down. I went and picked up some food and headed home to soak in the tub for a while. Just like with any sport…people can’t show up to cheer you on all the time for your event. You have to be able to cheer yourself on and do well for your own satisfaction. I mean, it feels great to finish something that’s so difficult for me whether or not there are any external people there to share it with. I just need to remember not to take it personally and know that people do support me whether or not they’re there. Hopefully soon this drama I’ve been dealing with will go away and I’ll be feeling like myself again.

Old, not wise, Forehead

I looked in the mirror today and I looked old. I have some wrinkles forming on my forehead that I knew would seep out sooner or later. I have spent a lot of my life scowling and now it’s apparent as the lines on my face tell everyone. They’re barely there (right now) but they’re there nonetheless. I was waiting for the day when I’d look at my reflection and see an aged image of myself. I think that day has come. People tell me I look young for my age all the time and while that may be true, I know I don’t look as young as some people imply. I see college aged girls and I think they look so tiny, so young, so inexperienced. I definitely don’t look like them. I’m okay with aging. What I’m really afraid of is getting old and sick. I try to stay healthy so that when I’m in my 80’s I can still do the things that I enjoy. Aging is probably going to be weird for me but I think I can handle it as long as I can remain active. Still, today I noticed my first real wrinkle forming and I can’t help but to imagine the rest coming in and aging me dramatically. I would like to stay looking young for a bit longer. Age does not sophisticate women like it does men. And I know that aging is inevitable.I just hope it's a slow moving process for me.

Recurring Struggles

I’ve worked so hard to move past all of the pain and hurt. I’ve worked so hard at becoming a better person…a good person. I push myself because I choose to do so, not because someone has told me I should. Life is almost never easy for me. I struggle daily. And just when I thought breathing was a little bit easier I am reminded of everything I hate about myself and I start to slide backwards into a hole of depression. This time the hole is pretty deep. Luckily some other good things have taken place to help pull me out a bit but I’m still pretty far gone and basically numb to most everything. I believe that as soon as I get some solid answers about the stressors I’m dealing with, I can begin to heal myself further and come out of this stronger than before. I really hope this is the case anyway. It needs to be the case. I haven’t worked as many years as I have to repair my spirit to lose it all now. I just received a promotion at work and I can’t even be happy about it. I was for about two days and now I’m just overwhelmed with other thoughts. I just need some answers. The hurt and pain will go away. I am a good person. I’ve worked hard to become a good person with happiness and I will continue to move in that direction if it takes everything I’ve got.

So if I haven’t been myself lately or the good friend I know I should be, I apologize. My mind has not been quite right lately.

Feelings Are Reality

You can’t take away someone’s feelings. Something that really bothers me that I see people doing a lot is trying to take away the hurt and pain someone is feeling. I hear “just remember it could always be worse” and “here you are complaining when your problems aren’t half as bad as so-and-so’s”. Well I think these statements are crap. There will always be someone worse off then you as well as someone better off. Does that mean you can’t enjoy your good times or feel bad about the hard times?! Of course not. No one likes someone who brags and steals the spotlight. Well I equally don’t like it when someone tries to belittle my feelings of sadness or being scared or any other “less than happy” emotion. They are MY feelings, let me feel them. I do the same for others. I don’t always understand people’s emotions. I wish I did but I don’t. I do however have compassion for people. I believe that every person is good. Evil does not exist and therefore everyone has the right to feel however they want about whatever they want. Do not try to lessen the pain because it’s not as big of a deal as someone else’s problems. All I know is MY OWN life and if that means I’m distraught about something, I should be able to feel that way without being made to feel bad about getting upset over something you might think is petty. Everyone’s problems are real problems if that’s the way they feel. You can’t take away someone’s feelings so please don’t try.