Accepting My LARGE Self

Just over 3 years ago I had surgery on my left foot. This was also the same time that John moved to Tucson. In the year following these events I gained 50 pounds. Partly due to not being able to get around much and partly due to the new relationship “curse” where you become super comfortable and tend to eat like crap. It has been a rough three years since then regarding weight.

It seems as though no matter what I do or try I can’t drop the weight I gained. I have lost some but not nearly as much as I want to. It’s okay though because recently I have been working with my personal trainer at the gym to change my eating habits. This has been very effective and I definitely feel much better and I know that I am healthy, (my blood work from the doctor’s office verifies this). However, I just can’t seem to drop the weight. I am not looking for suggestions or opinions as to why this might be. I believe it has to do with a mental block of some sort. No matter though, the important thing is that I’m healthy and I physically feel good.

Does that mean I’m comfortable with the way I look?? Hell no. It really bothers me actually—especially when I see pictures of myself. I feel okay until I see how big I actually look in a picture. This would normally keep me from taking photos or posting photos but I realized that this reasoning is bullshit. Anyone can take a good picture at just the right angle to make themselves look prettier or thinner or whatever. But you still aren’t fooling yourself so what’s the point? I don’t want to not post pictures because I feel fat and disgusting. I want to post them, showing events and my involvement. I almost didn’t post the picture of me with my brother because I know I look HUGE. But that made me sad because the picture isn’t about me, it’s about him and how awesome he did! Who cares what I look like?? I was happy and proud and that’s all that should matter.

I know people who don’t see me regularly look at pictures I post and think “damn, she gained a lot of weight,” and you know what, you’re right! But I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and eventually the weight will come off but in the meantime LIFE HAPPENS. It’s okay if you look at pictures of me and wonder what happened and that I used to look so much better. Trust me, I know this. But to not post pictures and capture moments would be far sadder than wondering what people are thinking about me.

My Solo Trip to Miraval Arizona

It’s been around a month since I spent 4 glorious days and 3 nights at Miraval. While I was there I made video journals of my experience. I’ve been hesitant to post all of them because they’re lengthy and I figured no one would want to watch hours of me talking. So, about a week after my vacation I made a video summary of my experience which is still pretty long but much shorter than all my other videos. However, some people have expressed desire to watch my experience as it unfolds so I have decided to post both the summary (at the bottom) and all the individual videos I made while I was at Miraval. Additionally I have included some sped up footage of the property (sorry if it makes you dizzy!) and some pictures of the food I enjoyed as well as some other random things, and perhaps a celebrity as well ;)

Obviously, feel free to skip ahead as you see fit and all comments and/or questions are appreciated. I’m curious to see if anyone sees a difference from the first day I arrived to the last. I know I can see a change in not only my face but my overall aura. And finally, I am sorry it has taken me so long to post this. I have had the worst luck getting my footage formatted correctly and to a site that would upload it, ugh. Enjoy!

Dinner sign-up sheet

Buffet-style lunch

Pretty picture colored by me :P

Buckwheat pancakes!!

Menu lunch

Naga Thai massage room

Delicious spicy watermelon appetizer

Another appetizer

Cool clouds

Dr Oz!!

More appetizers

Polenta lasagna

THANK YOU!!!! :)

Perceptions vs. Communication

It’s interesting to find out how people perceive you. It’s also interesting to realize that how people perceive you is based on what is going on in their life at the time and not on what is going on in your life. I find this to be completely backwards. Let me explain…

You work with someone who always seems miserable. They complain about their workload, make loud sighs throughout the day, and just never seem to smile. Your perception is that they dislike their job (or maybe even life). You think this because of how they behave but not just how they behave in general but how their behavior makes YOU feel. You like work. Well maybe you don’t like work but you’re glad to have a job. You’re friendly and outgoing with your co-workers and you enjoy laughing. This person’s behavior bothers you because of how YOU view work not because of how they behave. If you knew more about what was going on with them you might understand better why they seem so miserable at work. It might not have anything to do with work. And really the only reason you even care at all is because of your views about work and not because you care about their feelings. If you really, really think about this you’ll realize it’s true.

So why would you know more about what was going on with their life?

You probably wouldn’t and it really isn’t necessary, this person is just a co-worker. But what if this story was about a friend of yours? A friend’s behavior is strange, bad, good, confusing, etc… and you make a perception (often known as jumping to a conclusion) about what their mood is all about. If you’re a good friend you’ll figure out what is going on with them to spark that change. You’ll try to figure it out FROM them and not just make assumptions. What you perceive to be true probably isn’t true if you just base your perception off of their behavior and how it fits into your day but rather the truth will come if you communicate with them and care enough to figure out the true cause of their mood based on what is going on in their life...period.

I sure wish more people knew how to be good friends. It would not only save me from hurt but them as well if they would only take the time to communicate and not just assume.

Restaurant Blues

What ever happened to being able to go out to a restaurant and have a peaceful experience? Those days are long gone and it’s really upsetting to me. My boyfriend and I like to go out to eat but we must do so knowing that we’re probably going to be annoyed. If it’s not a screaming baby, or a toddler playing drums with silverware, it’s a loud speaking adult sharing inappropriate stories or just plain being annoying. And don’t think that complaining will do any good. The most reaction we ever get is “Yeah, you’re not the only ones to complain, sorry.” WTF is that?! If people are complaining what is wrong with going over to the table and saying “Excuse me but your table is disrupting other guests. We’re going to have to ask you to keep it down or you’ll be asked to leave.” Back when I was a server I did this all the time. Why should people be allowed to go out and cause a disturbance to those around them?? I get that it’s not going to be silent. I understand that it’s not just about me. But whatever happened to manners? It really is a shame. I’m going to have to start leaving places that I like because the establishments act in fear of those being loud. It’s absurd. I bet if I went in somewhere and started cursing loudly I’d be asked to leave. I don’t see what the difference is. It doesn’t seem to matter what time of day it is or how “upscale” the place is either. Noise and rudeness are everywhere and I’m tired of it.

If Size Was Only Just a Number...

Getting used to being fat is not easy. In fact it’s downright depressing. When nothing fits right anymore and no matter how you angle a mirror you still look fat…it’s hard to accept. I feel ashamed and embarrassed. And I feel disgusting.

I started gaining weight around the time I met John, last September. It didn’t become very apparent however until I had my foot surgery mid-February.  Being immobile makes it very hard to burn calories. Laying around all day makes it easy to eat a lot too. Mix those two things together and voila…weight gain central. It’s been five months since my surgery and I’m just now getting back to being active again. Well, kind of. I’m still very limited on what I can do. I discovered I’m nowhere near ready for running :( And I can only be on my feet for so long before I need to rest them. I’m not trying to make any excuses…I know it just means I have to work extra hard at the things I can do. I’ve been doing well with eating. I balance a pretty healthy diet. But diet alone isn’t getting me where I want to be.

When I had surgery on my right foot, around 10 years ago, I lost weight.  I thought this time would be the same. I kind of forgot that thing called age and how being fit becomes much harder the older you get…ugh. I also didn’t have someone by my side the entire time I was recovering last time to get me whatever I wanted, including food. So naturally I put on some weight this time around. I mean it makes sense to me…if I were anyone else. But since I am ME I think I’m a failure now that I am heavier. I know I will lose the weight that I want to but in the meantime, being fat sucks. I can’t imagine how it would feel if I were unhealthy too! At least I have my health but being larger than I’m used to is very difficult for me. I can’t bring myself to accept it. I know it’s my fault and that’s the hardest part. I feel like I really let myself down.

Life's Little Changes

The choice to not have kids comes with some repercussions that aren’t easy to accept sometimes. Around the time all your friends start (and continue) having children their lives change. They are no longer available whenever, they can no longer guarantee anything anymore. Luckily for them, they are going to have other friends who are having babies who can relate. But what about those of us who choose not to reproduce?? There is a stage of loneliness that lasts until your friends kids are more grown up. During this time period you more than likely will flock to older friends or possibly even younger ones who don’t yet have children. We all have a need to be liked and to spend time with friends. The truth is it’s much easier to do when you don’t have children. It’s not impossible but it does become more difficult once a little one is dependent on you. Additionally your priorities aren’t the same any more (or at least they shouldn’t be!). Childless couples are still focusing on doing things for each other and their finances flow a bit more freely with no extra expenses to worry about unlike their counterparts.

Now I’m not saying that you will lose certain friends should you choose to have children or not have children BUT things do become a lot more complicated and sparse.  During this time you should try to remember that your friends aren’t abandoning you…they’re just simply busier now than they used to be. This is hard for me to remember sometimes. Occasionally it feels like the universe is punishing me because I don’t want children. Since it isn’t the norm it is hard at times. People are always asking why and how come and saying that I should and that it’s a pity because I’d make a great mother. Who’s to say this is true? And who’s to say THAT’S the reason why I choose not to have children? Trust me, choosing not to reproduce is not a pity nor is it a shame. Nor is there anything wrong with this choice. There are bouts of solitude however but it’s not painful enough to make my own mini companion.

I will always have friends who make time for me and other friends who share the same choice in life as I do and are therefore more available. But because it isn’t the most popular of choice, it is emotionally difficult at times. I suppose it’s difficult anytime your life takes a turn and heads in a different direction than your friends'—Kids vs. No Kids being one of the biggest ones. I suggest you keep your friends but also get some new ones whose lives are more parallel to your own. Once things settle down a bit you will be glad you have all your old friends and new ones as well. Just don’t get offended in the meantime if it seems you don’t have much in common anymore…you will likely find some common ground once again.

Body Realization

 

Yesterday I looked at some photos that were taken right after I bought my house in 2008. I looked at the pictures of myself and thought “damn, I look skinny.” Well compared to my size today I was. But that’s not what saddened me. What saddened me is that I remember that day. I remember getting ready and having “nothing” to wear. I remember feeling fat and ugly. I remember settling on something I didn’t feel very comfortable in but feeling like I really had no other options. The saddest part about this remembrance is that I have never felt comfortable with my body no matter what size it’s been. I thought this time would be different. I keep telling myself, sure I wasn’t comfortable back then but now if I were that size I would be. But um…I can also remember thinking that very thought on other occasions after ballooning up a bit and then back down. It didn’t matter, it was never good enough. I have NEVER felt good about my body. So as I try so hard right now to get into shape and become a healthy person once again I am disturbed by the fact that even if I lose some weight and get into the best shape of my life, I am still not going to love my body. Wow.

I have got to learn how to love myself inside AND OUT no matter what size I am. I have little idea of how to do this but I am going to try. I have never been taught to love my appearance. What I have been taught is how to pick people apart, pointing out all their flaws, including my own. I have tried to pick out certain features before that I DO like and try to focus on those but quickly I fall back into thinking “yeah but look at my _____”. I must put an end to this. Because if I don’t I still will never be happy with how I look. I want to keep tricking myself into thinking that this time will be different but that has never been the case and I must try something new that might work instead of failing over and over.

I am going to continue to eat healthy and work out to some degree daily. I have also decided to include Bikram yoga back into my life. This practice was so good for me not only physically but mentally as well. And mental reshaping is what I need most right now. I am also going to try to point out positives about my body and steer away from the negatives. We all have things we wish we could change. Someone out there is jealous of whatever you feel your flaws are though…try to remember that. I hate looking at pictures of myself right now because I look round and fat and it just breaks my heart to see myself like that. However, now instead of focusing on THAT I want to try and focus on how happy I look. And focus on the inner beauty I know I possess pushing through.

This is not going to be easy. But what a sobering thought to realize that no matter how my body looks I am never going to be happy with it unless I teach my mind to love it NOW. All these work out infomercials showing people happy and vibrant after they’ve lost weight is crap. I mean, they might really feel good and proud of their accomplishments, as they should, but the true reality is that I bet they still don’t have anything to wear. And I bet they still wish they had this or that or could just lose 5 more pounds. I vow to only wear clothes I feel comfortable in, no matter what size they are. And I vow to compliment myself on my appearance quietly to myself until I believe it. Those of you who also suffer with body dysmorphic disorder know how personal of a struggle it really is. Others could compliment me all day long and I still see myself as gross. It really is sad because it holds me back from so many things. 

Well, enough is enough. It’s time to start loving myself from the inside out. And it’s time to start doing so NOW.