What is this "love ya" crap about?

I find it interesting the fears we have in saying certain things. Some friends will never say “I love you” to each other…in any lingo. While a vast majority opt for “love ya” as their way of showing they love their friends. People might claim they’ve never thought about it before but I think they have. I think saying “love ya” is a conscious choice as opposed to “I love you”. Do you talk to your spouse that way? What about family members? It’s doubtful. I think people prefer a more tongue in cheek way of expressing themselves although I’m not really sure why. I mean, I guess “I love you” has been somewhat taboo for some time. I know growing up, friends never said it to each other in any form…at least not that I can remember. It’s a newer thing and with technology…you know texts and facebook pages…it’s easier to convey yourself without the embarrassment of face to face expressions. To say “I love you” means romantically or reserved for your family for many I think. Changing it to “love ya” is more of a friendly term that can be used on anyone without fear of rejection. It really is the same thing though isn’t it? After all “you” is what is getting changed, not “love”. Also the omission of “I” makes it less personal but again, the word “love” remains untouched.

I rarely say “love ya” unless maybe I feel like the person will think I’m weird to say I love them and less weirded out by referring to them in slang. All I know is that there are many different levels of love. I tend to love quickly…friends or otherwise. I might not know you that well or see you often but I probably do have a level of love for you. That doesn’t make me creepy though, haha. And it doesn’t mean that I romanticize about you either! If I feel that level of love for you, you’ll know it. Otherwise I mean it in a sincere but non-romantic way.

I don’t know…is it just me, or have others noticed the different ways to announce your love? What is your take on it?

Glowing Beauty

Jump from the ‘photos’ page are
Sparkly, shiny, skinny, slinky…
Not me.
I smile, I laugh, I dance,
I try.
I shovel the confidence
From brain to behavior.
But I still feel so transparent.
Blending of our souls
Causes bleeding of our hearts
Raining down love
The mist fogs up my eyes.
Insecurities return but for once
I lower the bridge and drown the trying,
While welcoming the embrace you offer.
I may not know why,
And I may never see what you do.
But whatever beauty you see in me
I allow.
I smile, I laugh, I dance,
I become the me that you admire and...
I glow.

Bunions Are Not Warts

A common statement out of my mouth is, “I have bad feet.” People always ask me what that means exactly and I hesitate to explain. There are several television shows I’ve seen that imply (or falsely show) a bunion is a wart type growth on the foot…something disgusting that only nasty people with nasty feet get. So you can understand my hesitation of saying, “I have bunions.”

Allow me to educate you on what a bunion is:

“The common bunion is a localized area of enlargement of the inner portion of the joint at the base of the big toe. The enlargement actually represents additional bone formation, often in combination with a misalignment of the big toe. The normal position of the big toe (straight forward) becomes outward-directed toward the smaller toes. The enlarged joint at the base of the big toe (the first metatarsophalangeal joint) can become inflamed with redness, tenderness, and pain. A small fluid-filled sac (bursa) adjacent to the joint can also become inflamed (bursitis) leading to additional swelling, redness, and pain.”



Basically it’s extra bone growth on the outside of your big toe lower joint. Do you have any idea what extra bone growth feels like? It is not something you can treat and make it go away. The only way to get rid of it is to have surgery. Painful surgery at that…I had a bunionectomy on my right foot around 8 years ago. Incidentally I had to have the procedure re-done just weeks after due to pins backing out of the bone. I currently have an ugly scar along with a literal loose screw pushing the skin up next to my scar. What exactly is a bunionectomy? The cut into your foot about 2 inches from your upper toe joint down. They then shave the extra bone off with a big “file” followed by breaking your big toe, finished by reattaching the tendons. Metal rods and screws are inserted in the broken toe to hold it in place. The reason for the broken toe is that the bunion causes the big toe to slant inward toward your other toes. So much so, it needs to be realigned. The healing time takes forever it seems and the pain is excruciating. There is no cast give to prevent bumping it or anything like that.





Because of my bunions I cannot wear closed toe shoes. In fact, I can’t wear any shoes unless they are in flip flop “fashion”. I love all the cute shoes girls get to wear but not me. My feet would never be able to squeeze into those shoes and even if they did, the throbbing agony I would be in has brought me to tears before. Running obviously requires closed toe shoes so I pay extra for ones made for those with bunions. They are still a very tight fit width-wise but they’re as good as it’s going to get unless I listen to the podiatrist and stop running altogether.



Bunions occur in women more than men. They can be hereditary or caused by wearing too small of shoes when younger and/or continuing to do so. Surgery does not guarantee they won’t come back. Even my right foot is starting to form another bunion. I’ve been brought to tears by getting bumped in that area or stepped on. It constantly hurts me. There is not much I can do though. I may consider surgery on my left foot…along with that removal of my loose screw on my right foot (it’s freaky and it hurts…although it is fun to say!) but not until after I complete the marathon I’m training so hard for.

My feet look pretty normal until I point out my ailments. Most people who have bunions as bad as mine are much, much older than me. I was definitely the youngest patient at the podiatrist 8 years ago when I was only 22 and needing surgery to ease the pain. As you can see below, when my feet are pushed together my toes are no where near touching like yours probably are...just to give you an idea of how far over my toes go.

Family is Relative

Love can change but real love shouldn’t dissipate. If you are a good person and you make effort, love can last. I am proof of this. I dated Jeromy for around 5 years. In that time I became very close to his parents. In fact, everyone who meets them instantly adores them. Lee and Jeanette Graves are the coolest, kindest people around. And they love to spoil you when you go out for a visit :) Needless to say I felt love for them both and still do. And I know they love me too. Things become tricky when a relationship breaks up however. It didn’t matter to me though, I loved the Graves’ and I was going to continue to. I have not stayed in touch with them as often as I would like to but I still do to some degree. And in fact, I’m way overdue for a visit. They have the best place to get-away from the city life and just relax, play games, and have a great time. In addition to staying in contact with Jeromy’s parents, I remain friends with some of his cousins and his brother. A lot of people say that it’s weird or say “Why would you do that?” and to them I say, “Why wouldn’t I?” Just because things didn’t work out with Jeromy and I doesn’t mean I have to cut all ties with people I grew to love. Of course Jeromy is okay with this too. He has even grown to become one of my best friends.

Then came James. Him and I dated on and off for 3 years. There was a brief amount of time we were engaged as well so it was a good thing I got along so well with his family. His mom and step-dad, Nancy and Carlos Colvin, accepted me from the beginning, even though James told me they probably wouldn’t, which I still find funny. I always felt welcomed around them though. The same goes for his brothers and sisters…things were always comfortable. So it is no surprise that I remain close to them and love them as I would any of my friends. They have always made clear that it doesn’t matter what ends up happening with James and I (meaning if we end up not being friends) I am always welcome in their home. This means so much to me! And in fact, I had the pleasure of visiting with them last night. It had definitely been too long.

There are other interesting relationships I have with people due to ex’s of mine. Kacy is a good example of that. My ex boyfriend’s ex wife. It’s still fun to tell people that. I also remain close to all the people in Phoenix I know because of Jeromy. I am still their friend and am still welcome to gatherings they have. They didn’t disregard me as a person just because he and I broke up. And then there’s Connor. How awesome is it that I still get to be such a big part of Connor’s life?! I have Kacy to thank for this. I made a promise to that kid that I would always love him and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. So what if people think it’s weird. I think it’s weird to cut all ties once a relationship goes sour. It makes no sense to me. It feels like an elementary school mentality. You know, when you dislike someone, you tell all your friends to hate them too. Makes sense for young kids to think this is appropriate but for adults?! I don’t think so.

When I welcome someone into my life and grow to love them I mean that forever. Unless there are other circumstances that cause us to drift apart I certainly won’t let that happen based on my relationship status alone! People can think it’s weird or uncommon but for me it’s just the opposite. It is VERY common and remains comfortable for me to remain close to these people. They obviously love me as a person as I do them. And I wouldn’t want to lose that for the world.

Karma is Crap

I love when people use sayings out of habit because it makes them feel better but yet, they don’t really know what it means. My favorite one is anything to do with karma. Unless you are Hindu or some other karma believing religion, I don’t think you really understand the concept. Yes, that’s right, Miss Literal here. It’s even better when someone is of a Christian faith and claims to believe in both God and karma. I’m pretty sure this is sacrilegious. I’m not here to judge though but maybe give a little more insight to what karma actually is and why I don’t think it’s real and why you probably don’t either. Karma has to do with the energy in the universe and how it affects our reality. A simple thought you have can affect the entire universe according to karma but you may not be able to see its work. Karma asks that you simply believe in the universe and the balance it brings. Furthermore karma is linked to those who believe in future and past lifetimes. Just because you earn good or bad karma now doesn’t mean you’ll receive it in this lifetime. I’m pretty sure Christians don’t believe in reincarnation…

Either way, I am not a religious person any longer so my non-belief in karma has nothing to do with my own personal non-belief in religion. I just think it’s interesting when people who believe in God believe in karma too. What I am is a person who believes that there is no evil. And without evil then bad things don’t happen as a punishment. People behave in ways that benefit themselves. We might view an action as “bad” or “evil” but that was not the person’s intent who committed that action. I’ve already written about this though. Basically what it comes down to is that there is something good that comes out of everything… “good or evil”.

I ask to people who believe in karma (who do not believe in reincarnation) how do you explain cancer? Or bad things that happen to little kids? What bad thing did these people do to deserve such awfulness? And what about those who get away with murder? How do you explain how people do bad things (in our eyes) but never pay up?

You know, it’s fine if it makes people feel better to know that “karma’s gonna get them” for doing something bad. However, those who believe that only seem to pick and choose when karma exists. I don’t think you can do that. At least not if you truly believe in karma. Even without taking it to the Hindu, reincarnation extreme, people seem to only use karma when relating to something negative. You don’t ever hear people who do something good say “I can’t wait until something equally as good happens to me later in life because I just earned it!” It seems like karma comes equipped with many double standards.

I honestly believe that there is no evil in the world. Therefore I, or anyone else, doesn’t ever get “punished” for mistakes made. Likewise, the good I do is “just because” and not done knowing I will be rewarded some day. In conclusion…karma really is related to the universe and all our many lifetimes in it and not just something comforting to say when someone fucks up. Look it up. It’s true.

And in case this blog hasn’t bored you enough, the following is what I wrote in April 2010 regarding good vs. evil to give you more insight to my "no one is evil" theory.

What makes a person “good”? I am a believer in- everyone is good. This may sound like a crazy concept to some but it’s what I believe. There are no bad people but people who do bad things rather. Why is this? Try to define bad…it is subjective at best. So is the definition of good. But what I do know is that people don’t do things unless it benefits them in some way. I can see you sitting there trying to think of an example of how this isn’t true but trust me, you can’t. At least, I've never been able to. Feel free to challenge me on this if you’d like though. So anyway, if people do things for the betterment of themselves (in some way) then how can they be bad?? They don’t do things out of pure evil…they do things because they get some kind of satisfaction out of it.

I understand this may be a little too deep for some of you but you should really stop and think about it.
Seriously. Think about it.

This belief is how I’m always able to forgive people or move on from things. I know people don’t do things to be evil. They do things because it benefits them somehow. And while this may be selfish and unfair and sometimes down right messed up! Can you really blame someone for making themselves happy? Some people are just lost souls who don’t know any better. If anything I feel sorry for them but I know not to take it personally.

I do not have balls!

Growing up in a household where I was taught that women are nothing more than whores definitely took its toll on me. To the defense of my “teacher” my brother was only 3 years older than me, a kid himself. It didn’t matter to me though. I would have done anything to look “cool” in his eyes. Because of him I got to hang out with all the cool older boys. And even though they all saw me only as “one of the guys” I liked that I could fit into their group…one that was normally girl-free.

I behaved as a tomboy most of my younger years and it wasn’t until I moved to Cottonwood when I was 16 that guys really began to notice me. It was all very new and strange to me. I still behaved like a boy and dressed like a boy but something was different about that town. It was probably just because I was the new kid and no one there knew me. The kids in Page had known me my whole life. Whatever it was, guys noticed me. I wasn’t sure how to handle it other than to take the advice of my brother.

What about all the emotions that go along with being a girl? The “negative” ones such as being needy, sensitive, jealous, emotional, etc…? I have spent my whole life repressing those feelings because that wasn’t going to make me “cool”. And now I’m thirty and still single! Sure, guys still label me as cool but they surely don’t want to date me. I don’t have all the girlish qualities they want in a mate. I am unable to be vulnerable because that shows weakness. I don’t need you for anything because I’ll be damned if I can’t take care of myself. And the list goes on. I’m basically impossible to please because even though I have all these feelings and desires, I fight them off but not well enough…

What happens is I end up wishy-washy. Saying one thing, behaving another way. It’s starting to really drive me crazy. I have so many walls built up around me when it comes to men as mates that it’s a wonder some have lasted as long as they have! I don’t know how anyone would want to put up with that! Sure, I’m great in a lot of other ways but damn! Dating me is like dating someone who will never be happy with anything you do. Because if I show happiness, I’m being vulnerable and that is not something that is easy for me to do. I literally fight off my happiness.

I think I’m tired of being the tough girl. Why is it so hard for me to admit when something hurts my feelings? Actually that part isn’t that hard, it’s believing that it’s okay I feel that way that’s tough for me. Letting down my guard for just a minute to show a “girlie” side of me is not something that comes very easily for me. It’s not something I want to do but that’s only because I’ve been programmed for so long now to not accept the weakness in girls/me. Yet it’s that behavior that is destroying every relationship with a man that I’ve ever had.

Questioning a huge part of my character has been very tough for me. Who I am is all I’ve ever known! But I do know that it has become a problem in my life and I need to do something about it. It’s a very scary concept for me but it’s something I really feel like I need to do in order to let someone in enough to love and be loved in return. I realize I could find this by just being me too…but this is something I WANT to work on. It’s something I think will make me happier as a person. After all, these girl feelings are all feelings I have I’m just afraid to express them for the fear that I will be viewed as weak, and stupid. But I need to stop being so afraid. I do not have a pair of balls between my legs! And it is okay, and actually preferred, to behave like a girl with real emotions. Go figure! I’m going to seriously make an attempt at this…wish me luck!

Beautifully Damaged

I think I die in my dreams.
I can’t handle the awake times right now.
But ending life is not my way.
My dreams appear and make me suffer.
Dark clouds rain down pieces of myself.
My ego, my damaged mind, my heart.
I see the worst parts of me swirling in disaster.
Bouncing with hatred and pain.
These make-believes become my reality.
I cannot decipher between the two.
My tears become a puddle at my feet.
My screams are silenced by bravado.
All those I trust become devils.
They scratch my skin off and let me bleed.
I look up, down, all around for someone to save me.
They never come.
Fingers point to me and heavy amusement is heard.
But I’m damaged I plead!
I was born this way!
Someone needs to save me! To have pity on my soul!
If I could just believe what many have offered…
That I am lovable and worthy of joy.
But I don’t want to go to sleep.
And I can't stand to be awake.
I am definitely in pain and sorrow.
I want to find my limbo and feel my smile.
I want to believe that it’s up to me.
And I want to believe that I
Deserve
It.
Repaired is what I would like to be.
Fixed independently,
Is what I am trying to find.
No more death by night
No more suffering by day.
Learning to love myself as
Beautifully damaged,
Is the way.
The path I must find.
The truth I must believe.
Beautifully damaged is me.
Beautifully damaged is me.
Beautifully
Damaged
Is
Me.