A recent talk about bathroom humor has inspired me to share the following story. I originally posted it on myspace back in 2008 but for those of you who never had a myspace or those of you just looking for another laugh you should enjoy this. It is a true life story and one that I will NEVER forget!! Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend!
Bobbing for Corn and Fishing for Turds
Whoever thought bobbing for corn would be a good idea? Oh right. I believe that was me. It was Friday, July 4th and I was surrounded by old friends. Friends who I hadn't seen in far too long. Jager and Diet Dr. Pepper was my drink for the night and I was feeling good. I caught glimpse of the big vat of milky white water and cobs of corn. All it took was one person to agree with my suggestion, "Do it!" and off I went. The pot was a little deep and I was finding it hard to catch my piece of corn. But alas! I caught one! Everyone cheered and I proceeded to eat my prize, noting how yummy it was, juice dripping from my brow. It wouldn't be until the next morning that I decided that whoever made that corn should be shot.
It was a little before 7am and I decided I could no longer hold it. I needed to use the restroom. I made my way out of my car and walked past the battlefield of tents and walked inside. Surely someone would be up by now. Just two. One, in the bathroom…taking a long time, and the other, just up to relieve herself and then head back to the living room floor of scattered bodies. Finally, it was my turn to enter and even though I am extremely bathroom shy…a night of heavy drinking the night before does not allow for shyness the next day. I HAD to go. And even though I knew the toilet wasn't flushing that efficiently the day before, it had always been successful…it just took some patience. And patience I had that morning.
I've seen it happen on TV and in the movies but never once have I actually seen a toilet overflow right before my eyes. It has clogged on me before but I just wait for it to fill up, flush it again, and because of all the pressure of the full bowl it all nicely goes down…no problem. Well, this time there were problems. After several attempts to not only flush but plunge the toilet, I decided to do what I always do. Bad idea. I have never felt such panic come over me. The water…kept…rising. What is one to do? For starters I decided I'd use my hands like a net. Yep, I sure did. I scooped up as much substance as I could before it hit the floor. Into the trash can it went. And the water just kept coming…
Finally it stopped. The bowl was still completely full and now there was raw sewage about half an inch high in the bathroom. The bathroom that around 20 people needed to share. Mother of God! What am I going to do?! I can't just run away although I would have loved to do so. I had to wake someone up… Lucky for me, the house owner, Lee was just getting up and I warned him it wasn't pretty. He swung the door open and couldn't believe what he was seeing. I couldn't believe my luck. He got a mop and handed it to me once I offered to help clean up. I just honestly wanted to try to "fix" the situation before anyone else arose for the day. He started plunging away which caused much more water and uh…substance…to spew out onto the floor. I began to soak up the matter when I realized there was no ringer on the mop or attached to the bucket. "Umm, how am I supposed to ring this out?" Lee grabbed the mop head and like the man that he is, wrung it out with his hands…his bare hands. You've got to be kidding me! I already touched poop once that day…I really wanted that to be enough. But off to work I went…trying ever so hard to not think about what I was doing, what I was touching, or what I was smelling.
This process went on for some time. Lee plunged and did some stuff outside, and I wrung out shit water by hand. And one by one people got up and discovered the mess. Of course no one offered to help and I don't blame them. I wouldn't have either…it was no picnic. Once most of the water got soaked up I went around with paper towels and picked up larger pieces of sewage. And that's when I saw them…kernels of corn. The corn that was once so tasty the night before was now floating on the bathroom floor waiting to be rescued. Could this get any worse?!
Lee got the toilet working…sort of. No one was allowed to use it though…or the shower. Luckily he had keys to some community-type showers and shitter which was across the street. So we took turns walking back and forth using the facilities. Now even though I know it's not my fault the toilet not only clogged but ended up spitting around 2 inches of matter onto the bathroom floor…it was horrifying. I now realize I'm a lot more capable to do things though. Never would I have imaged I could have helped clean up that mess in the way I did. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. And never could I have imaged that me, who is SO bathroom shy, could invite others into her holy land and not really get that embarrassed. I am the Pooper Trooper…hear me roar. Or at least hear me laugh...which I hope you are doing as well