Tomorrow Maybe

What makes us who we are?
I look in the mirror and I see a broken girl.
To what do we live for?
I wake up every moment alone.
Life has always been such a struggle.
Such
a struggle for me.
I could never create life from one so hard.
So tired of being sad, exhausted from depression.
Often I want to crawl underground.
To relax. To laugh. To be at peace with my mind.
I hate it you know?
Nothing is simple.
Nothing comes with ease.
I feel so damaged and so unable to be happy.
To be truly loved.
Life has always been so difficult.
I can’t love myself.
I can’t.
I thought for a moment I did but it was just…
A phase.
Where do I go from here?
I could give up or keep pushing ahead.
Sometimes I think I’m crazy.
Sometimes I feel so unstable I scare myself.
I sadden myself. I hate myself!
With the biggest desire to learn to love me.
Maybe one day I will. It’s my hope.
Life is very empty without the love of yourself.
Wish someone would have taught me how to.
Wish I could just figure it out.
There’s nothing I want more.
I so badly desire to feel love from myself.
Don’t I think I deserve it?
Out of all the anger I carry, I hold the most
For myself.
One day,
Some day,
I hope to feel free from the demons in my head.
Not today, but maybe tomorrow.

Time to Open My Big Mouth

I communicate best through words on paper. My thoughts seem to flow out effortlessly and accurately. Verbalizing my concerns becomes a bit tricky for me however. Suddenly my brain jumbles everything and I forget what point I’m trying to make. This has become a problem for me. When confronted I usually choose to shut down rather than talk because I know it’s probably not going to turn out well. I will forget what I’m “fighting” for and likely become defensive and angry at myself for not being able to properly and calmly convey my thoughts. Through-out life I have learned that the best way to fix something is to practice, practice, practice! I need to expose myself to voice. When something bothers me or my feelings get hurt I need to learn to save the typing for something less heavy and open my throat up and speak. This will leave me open to rejection and ridicule but if I want to lessen being misunderstood by people it’s what I feel I must do.

This is a scary thought for me. Anytime I have anything of importance to say, I type it. I definitely see the advantages of communicating this way but lately I have run into some real disadvantages as well. My mind doesn’t seem to work like everyone else’s. I don’t understand why and I have a hard time accepting the processes that go on in other people’s heads. No matter how clear I think I am on paper, time and time again people misunderstand me which baffles and angers me. I don’t understand how it happens! I am so careful with the words that I choose. I’m so careful to say exactly what I mean without any hidden agendas. How can so many people misinterpret what I say?? I don’t think I will ever understand. But some things aren’t meant to understand. What I can do however, is change my behavior to give me better results. So I am going to try to talk more and type less when it comes to things that are important to me with those who are important to me. Hopefully this will help people to understand me better and learn that I don’t just get my feelings hurt for fun. My feelings get hurt because it seems that no matter how hard I try I can’t understand or believe how people misunderstand me and react accordingly. This is MY problem though…no one else’s so…I will be the one to react accordingly and hopefully put an end to hurt feelings and misunderstandings by me and those associated with me.

Guidance

It has always been a desire of mine to write a book outlining my life. This thought alone has been so overwhelming to me that I honestly have no idea where to start! I don’t think I want to write the book in chronological order and so it becomes a little tricky to map the order out in my head. Does anyone have any suggestions or any particular area of my life you are most interested in (if at all! Ha!)? I have also considered breaking it up into multiple books to make it easier on myself and then that way I can add what has yet to come when I reach that point in life. However, if I do that…I would need to be more chronological. What do you guys think? What do you think would be a more interesting read?? This really is something I want to do…I guess I just need a little guidance.

Excuses

I think I may have talked about this before but I feel like going into it again today. I HATE excuses!!! Why is it so hard for people to admit when they mess up? And why is it so hard for people to admit the real reason they do or do not do something? No excuse is a good excuse! People have priorities and choose what they do based on those. Women act like bitches sometimes because it’s not their top priority to behave nicely at the moment NOT because they’re PMS’ing! People smoke a cigarette because they want to or are having a hard time quitting NOT because they’re stressed and need it. People (especially kids) behave in ways they’re not supposed to because they don’t make it their priority to correct their behavior NOT because they forgot the rule. I could go on and on but I think you get the gist of what I’m saying.

I feel sad for people who go through life always coming up with excuses to spare themselves blame. Why don’t people want to better themselves and own up to their mistakes? I understand it’s hard to do but c’mon! I find myself making excuses sometimes and even get away with it to later find myself “calling myself out” and admitting the real reason. To me excuses equal lying. The only difference is that most of the time I don’t think people make excuses with the intention of being dishonest. I think it’s just second nature. Shit…even women have been using the excuse for why we’re so emotional is because we’re women for YEARS! Sure, we may have the chemical make-up to make us prone to being more emotional but we can control it…we just have to want to make it our priority. Saying we are women is not a valid excuse, it’s bullshit! Sorry women but you know it’s true.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the next time you find yourself saying “I did this because _______” stop yourself and admit you did it because it was your choice, bottom line. I’m tired of people not taking responsibility for themselves and blaming everything and everyone else. I am learning to not take things personally though but to realize that not everyone is as willing to put in the hard work to becoming a better person as I am is baffling to me. I may not get instant gratification but I know that in the long run I will be a happier person over all.

P.S. “I have a headache” is the biggest bullshit excuse in the world as to why a woman won’t have sex. Sex is a cure all. Women…quit using this lame statement as an excuse and fix the real problem!

Talk the Talk

My friend Dawna is so smart!! She told me "Sometimes life gets in the way of relationships but life also goes so fast. It's important to let people know how you feel while you have the opportunity to do so," or something very similar to that. She told me this in response to a conversation we had last night about actions vs. words. Many people say that actions speak louder than words but I’m not convinced this is true. At the very least I believe a healthy balance of the two is optimal.

I agree that you can tell someone you love them all day long but if you do nothing to show them this, your words will get lost. I also believe that without your words, your actions will get lost as well. A good example would be the married couple who do things for each other all the time- earn a living, raise the kids, cook dinner, fix the car, etc… but get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life and forget to stop for a moment and verbalize their feelings to one another. This truth frightens me. I am one who likes to hear how people feel about me and often. I like to hear as well as feel the special treatment not just one or the other. I realize this can’t be done all the time but as Dawna pointed out to me, life does indeed happen fast, and sometimes people need to HEAR emotions instead of just shown them. Likewise, if you’re one who talks the talk a lot maybe it’s time you start walkin’ the walk a bit more.

It’s hard for some to express their feelings in words but I suggest you try. And then try harder. There is something so powerful in a person expressing their inner most feelings and vulnerabilities. Much more powerful than buying a gift or lending a hand. Open yourself up to those you care about…don’t be afraid! Don’t be forgetful! And don’t be full of excuses as to why you can’t stop for 30 seconds to tell someone what they mean to you.

Judgments

We all judge others. Whether intentionally or not, we do. What I don’t like is when people judge harshly to only become the person (or do the action) they hated and looked down on later on in life and claim that it’s different for them. One example would be someone who looks down on homeless people and then becomes homeless themselves but no longer sticks their nose up in the air about it because they’re different than all those they grew to hate previously. Or someone who believes their perfect match MUST have the same religious beliefs and all those who marry outside of this belief are going to hell. Then that ‘someone’ meets the man/woman of their dreams but don’t share a common religion and suddenly it becomes acceptable.

What I purpose is…instead of making strong judgments to begin with, why not give people the benefit of the doubt? I know this may sound weird coming from my mouth because I am someone who believes that stereotypes are there for a reason and I also believe that you make your own life but just because I believe something doesn’t make it right. It also doesn’t make it the norm. Additionally, how do I know I won’t be in that same situation tomorrow? A week from now? Next year? On my death bed? The truth is I don’t. And I certainly don’t want to be one of those people who has to experience things for myself to lose my judgments.

I challenge myself that the next time I see someone or something that I don’t agree with or that I pass judgment on, to make up a different, acceptable story and believe that instead. What difference does it make if I’m wrong or right other than a happier air in my head? And a more understanding feel for the differences in people and how none of us know what tomorrow could bring. And none of us know what we might do in the moment when faced with certain decisions. We might think we know, but we don’t. Perhaps you will join me and challenge yourself to do the same thing…

Healthy Life, Healthy Mind

Alright. No more excuses! No more procrastination. No more giving up! I am determined to become healthier this summer!! This means shedding around 30 pounds and continuing to eat well and exercise harder. I have been seeing a nutritionist for quite some time now and I feel we have finally figured out what is going to work for me. This has taken so long because I refused to “diet” per se but want to change my lifestyle to eating healthier ALL the time not just until the weight drops. I know I can lose weight on diets…I’ve done it before. This was not, and is not my ultimate goal however. With that being said, I have decided to give my body a jump start by following a series of strict diets while working my way back into my normal eating habits. I feel it was very important for me to learn how to eat healthy before tackling a strict diet so that when the diet is over I can resume eating healthy while dropping and eventually maintaining my new lower weight.

I began with a 72 hour fruit/protein powder cleanse. I’m not really sure if this cleansed me as I did not have um…bathroom issues as everyone said I was going to. This was the first time in my life I have ever gone more than 24 hours without eating actual food though. I know that fruit is indeed food but it’s mostly liquid. I was only drinking water or water mixed with protein powder and fruit…nothing else. This was actually easier than I thought it would be but still difficult in it’s own right. I continued to workout 2 of those 3 days. I was able to drop around 5 pounds but I knew it would come back over the weekend. The point of the cleanse was not to lose weight but to rid my body of nastiness! Mission accomplished…I think.

Step two began this week on Tuesday. Now I am eating only vegetables (preferably green ones) and lean meats as well as a protein drink here and there, mainly for hydration purposes- I add a scoop of protein powder to about 2 cups of water each. I am still allowing myself a cup of sweetened coffee in the morning but that’s the only treat I get. I will follow this until Saturday evening when I will treat myself to a healthy meal that is more than just meat and veggies. And perhaps an adult beverage or two.

Sunday I will be back on this veggie/meat plan but adding in a piece of fruit and a healthy carb once a day (like brown rice or yams). In order to do this, I will reduce my meat intake so my overall portions stay the same. This is often times what people forget to do when they add carbs back in. You must take away something else so you don’t overeat! After a full week (at least 5 days) of this I should be ready to start incorporating all the other healthy foods I’ve grown to love. I should be down some serious weight by then and I will feel motivated to stay on track!

I have always been pretty good about exercising but I have recently found two new types of exercise (and possibly a third) to motivate and push me harder than I have been pushed before. I run in the hot evening sun for about 35 minutes, 3 times a week. In addition to that, I am joining a running group that will meet every Saturday morning from this Saturday until December to prepare for a half marathon that I will run in January. This will be quite the challenge for me as I am no good at running! I have bad feet, back problems, and just don’t go very fast. This will also motivate me to drink less on the weekends as I will not be going out on Friday nights since I have to be at the park at 6am every Saturday.

I have also taken a liking to Bikram yoga. For those of you who don’t know what this is…it’s basically yoga in a hellish environment. The temperature is around 105 degrees and 40% humidity. It is a VERY INTENSE 90 minutes! I love pushing myself though and this does it all right! I have only attended 3 classes so far but look forward to continuing to go to improve not only my flexibility but weight control as well.

And the third thing is…I am looking at getting back into boxing. I used to belong to a boxing gym for just over 3 years and LOVED it. It became too expensive and too inconvenient however, and I had to give it up. One of the instructors from the gym I used to belong to just opened his own boxing studio and I’m going to go check it out. I hope it’s not too expensive and that the classes will work with my already busy schedule. Because in addition to all of this madness, I also try to work out at a regular gym 5 times a week!

You would think I would be a toothpick with all this effort and dedication but I have learned that becoming healthy is a very slow and long process. It is also a very difficult process that takes a lot of dedication and determination. I believe I have finally reached that point in my life where I’m ready to fully embrace this life challenge. I want to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit and I will achieve this! Can’t wait to finally feel at peace and continue to maintain this way of living.

Help!

How do you learn to not be so hard on yourself? This is the main thing I still struggle with. I expect myself to be perfect and when I fall short, which is a lot, I beat myself up and dwell on how I let it happen. Instead I need to accept it and move forward, focusing on the present. For some reason this is SO hard for me. It’s interesting because I basically know what I need to do but in the moment it’s near impossible for me to do those things. I have a hard time allowing myself to be human. I know that I don’t gain anything from this unless you want to count all the negative connotations…then we can create a list! I guess I’m looking for suggestions of ways to let things go “in the moment” so I’m not so angry with myself. Any ideas?