No Need to be Ashamed

I wish more people understood anxiety and depression. I wish more people believed that sometimes medication is necessary to regulate things. I have to admit that I never believed in it until I realized that I’m one of those people who need medication. I guess I just find it odd that people are all for medicine to help people with disease, rehab for those sick with addictions, and insulin for diabetes, but once people hear you take something to help regulate your serotonin and hormone levels they think it’s bullshit. I don’t JUST take medicine to help me. I work on myself as well BUT I have certain chemical levels that are out of whack without the use of medication. I believe this now because twice I have chosen not to take my medicine like I’m supposed to and twice I have had extreme negative reactions. I went back to feeling like my old miserable self again and felt like no matter what I did I couldn’t crawl out of the hole I was slipping in. I’m still struggling right now but I have great friends, a supportive boyfriend, and I know that soon everything will even back out and I’ll get back to feeling good again. Is the medicine necessary to live? No. But not being able to behave and feel how I want to and how I’m trying so hard to makes it more than worth it to take the medicine. If I’m feeling happy and calm but inside my mind is racing and I’m crying non-stop…it becomes very confusing and very frustrating. It is hard to explain but I do know that my moods even out and I’m able to let negative feelings go faster when my chemicals are up to par. It’s not my fault I was born this way and luckily there ARE medicines to help out. It doesn’t mean that I’m crazy and it doesn’t mean that I’m lazy. It means that my body doesn’t produce enough natural “feel good” juice and so I simply take a tiny pill to help out. I don’t get a sense of euphoria or anything like that either. In fact I don’t feel anything. But when I don’t take it I feel a whole lot of anxiety and depression and paranoia. That is not how I want to live my life and don’t think I should have to.

YOU

I’m usually very respectful, forgiving, and I always take the high road. This is not easy to do either but it’s who I am. I try to be the best possible person I can be to others even if they don’t deserve it. Well, there are moments in life when I really just want to curse and scream and hurt the people who have hurt me so badly. I mean, I don’t really want to do these things but sometimes my past creeps into my present and causes toxic reactions. This angers me and causes me to want to get it out somehow so…

Fuck YOU for cheating on me when I would have bet my life that you never would have done that to me. Fuck YOU for seeing an insecure woman and taking advantage of me in every way…breaking me down even further and making it near impossible to make the improvements I tried so desperately to make. Fuck YOU for promising me so much to just rip it all away one day because you couldn’t hang. Fuck YOU for taking advantage of me that Christmas Eve night when I had nowhere to run, no one to turn to. Fuck YOU for making me feel safe and secure and then laughing in my face as you walked away. Fuck YOU for having me to just run away, drink away, not give a shit away when I needed you most. Fuck YOU for filling my head with nonsense that has given me a complex my whole life. Fuck YOU for never telling me my worth so I had to struggle so much to find it. Fuck YOU for making me feel like I am difficult to love. Fuck YOU for never teaching me what pride is, what satisfaction is, what being happy is and what true love is.

And fuck ME for allowing YOU to treat me these ways and for allowing it to affect me still.

Military 101

I recently had a conversation about how the military service works, primarily reserves. I embarrassingly don’t know very much about our military even though my dad served in the National Guard for many years. I only recently found out that all branches of the military have a reserve program. I then became confused between National Guard and Army Reserves. I always thought National Guard was just a “fancy” way of saying Army Reserves. I thought they were interchangeable. This is not true as I’m sure you already know. Here is what I found out…

The five branches of our military and how they are supported:

Branch - Federally Managed - State Managed/Volunteered
Army - Army Reserves - Army National Guard
Air Force - Air Force Reserves - Air National Guard
Navy - Naval Reserves - Naval Militias
Marine Corps - Marine Corps Reserves - None
Coast Guard - Coast Guard Reserves - Coast Guard Auxiliary

The state managed support can be activated into the federal military service in times of need by the President of the United States or the Secretary of Defense. This would explain why my dad had to go to Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War even though he was state managed. This would also explain why my friend Denise who serves in the Army Reserves is stationed in Afghanistan right now. And lastly, it would explain how my boyfriend who is in the Navy Reserves could be called upon to fight in our current war. I’m glad I asked how it works and I’m glad I looked into it more on my own so I know what the possibilities are.

I would like to close by saying how very proud and thankful I am for all who serve in any branch of the military at any managed level. I have a very high respect for your bravery and dedication. Thank you for making this the greatest country in the world.

Note: If you find information shared here as incorrect or incomplete please share.

And the Debate Continues

My friend Amy and I have had a long standing debate about the subject of love.

Saying “I’m in love with you” vs. “I love you”

We disagree about which is more meaningful. Let’s say you’re in a new relationship and the person says to you, “I’m in love with you”… now picture them saying “I love you”… which is more meaningful to you? Additionally, how do you respond? Is it appropriate to say “I love you too” after someone expresses they’re “in love” with you?

Before I reveal how Amy and I differ on this subject I would like to hear what you think…?? I think she’s crazy and she thinks I am…what do YOU think?

The Best Maharrys I Know

I can’t believe it’s been two years since losing my grandpa and just over three years since my grandma passed away. Where has the time gone? I miss them so much. Especially when things are going well in my life and I know they would be so happy for me. They have been the only consistent figures in my life which has meant the world to me. In a life filled with let downs and disappointments…they were my safe haven. I looked up to them so much and cherished all my time with them. Of course, I wish I would have visited more but I can’t change that now. I know they knew that I loved them as I know they loved me…unconditionally.

I wish I could take some comfort knowing they are in heaven now but I’m not even sure what I believe in when it comes to religion. I would love to think they are united having a glorious time TOGETHER, smiling at me. But even if that’s not what happens when we pass away I do feel their energy and positive influence in my life daily. I wish I could sit with them one last time eating dinner (which is actually lunch) of various side dishes including carrot and raisin salad and bread with Miracle Whip instead of butter (still one of my favorites!). We would eat, and then watch the birds in the backyard while they caught up on my life. They were so good about asking about ME and remembering details. They always remembered my friends’ names and what they were up to as well. My grandparents were very giving, loving people.

I miss them so much but take solace knowing how happy they would be for me right now…as all of my dreams are coming true. I know that’s what they wanted for me. I love you Grandma and Grandpa so very much! And I miss you both more than words could ever say.

No Validation Required

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...or does it? Don’t they also say time heals all wounds? Well which is it?! Have you ever noticed that everything in life is two sided? We pick and choose which side to take depending on how it will benefit us at the time.

An Eye for an Eye vs. Thou Shall not Kill
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished vs. Karma
Rules are Meant to be Broken vs. You’ll get Yours

I don’t know…I could go on and on. And I’m sorry to burst your bubble of happiness and security but honestly sayings are just that. As humans we choose to remember those things we want to and block out the rest. Or if you’re me you tend to remember the bad things and struggle holding on to the good. Either way, there is both good and bad all around us and we tend to say whatever it is that soothes us at the time. Even if the very next time we might say the opposite if that’s what we need to hear.

I’m not writing this to say there is anything wrong with taking comfort in times of need. I guess what I’m saying is that instead of relying on bunk sayings we should just accept the fact that we are all more similar than we’d like to admit. That we all need words to help remind us that we are in fact human. That we need not make excuses when we are following our dreams and morals. We should just be allowed to be ourselves without the constant need of validation.

Things to Remember

I haven’t written anything in a while and I guess I’ve kind of been at a loss for words lately. I want to take this time to remind myself of a couple things:

Today and every day I can choose what kind of day I’m going to have. Some days are a struggle but I need to constantly remind myself that “Today, I’m going to enjoy my day!”

If this is proving to be harder than I would like…I need to remember my friends. My friends are there to support and love me and help me through life. They will not forget about me or think less of me if days have passed by without contact. As hard as that is for me to believe, I must accept it as the truth.

Everyone goes through hard times. I am no exception. Many times after the fact I’ll wonder why things were so hard for me but I need to remind myself that hindsight is 20/20 and it’s human to not always understand your hardships.

Everything in life is going wonderfully for me right now but I still find myself in states, like today, where things just feel off and I know I’m not at my happiest. This is confusing for me but that’s when I need to believe that not everything is made to understand. Just because life is seemingly grand doesn’t mean demons don’t surface from time to time and affect my mood. I need to accept my feelings and honor them. But then move on…don’t dwell.

As humans we are a work in progress. I will continue to grow and make improvements…my entire life. I need to remember to be proud of the distance I have gone thus far and the journey awaiting me.

Turning Mean

What makes people turn mean? And when does it end?

I often hear about break ups and divorces and I’m just in complete amazement how people act towards one another sometimes. I just don’t get it! I can see not wanting to be best friends or anything like that but to turn mean and hateful?! How does this happen?!? How can you go from loving someone unconditionally for x amount of time to spending your time trying to make their life a living hell?!

It makes me sad to think there are that many immature people out there who can’t just accept the facts and keep their head held high and journey on the high road. Why must there be so much hatred and animosity? Break-ups should be good things. You both get to better your life and become happy again…what’s so bad about that?! I truly don’t get it. I would never behave in such a way that I hurt someone I once loved. I don’t understand what the point would be. I have no enemies in life and I have no desire to make any either. Whether or not they “screwed me over” I will not turn ugly.

I wish more people could see the good in situations and take the time to better themselves instead of dwelling on the past and blaming people for shit. Grow the fuck up and quit punishing people! I’ve been shit on a lot in my life but nothing makes me angrier than when people take a crap on my friends. What gives people the right to do this?! I chalk it up to ignorance. I also like to remind myself that sometimes things and people just don’t make sense to me and I have to accept it for that. The more time I try to figure out the “whys” of a situation the more frustrated I become. Instead I smile, grit my teeth and say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away. Truth is, I really am sorry people feel that way. How miserable they must be. But I won’t allow them to make me miserable as well. I will keep my head up high and I always drive on the high road…always.

For anyone dealing with a break up or just a pain in the ass in general…remember to smile and threw your clenched teeth say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away. Don’t give in to the madness going on in their head. It is just not worth it. You are better than that and deserve to be happy and not expose yourself to such a negative atmosphere!

I am NOT just fortunately lucky.

I hear a lot that I am lucky for “this” and “that”.

-You’re lucky you have a good job.

-You’re lucky you’re able to go to school.

-You’re lucky you have your own house.

(to name a small few)

And that I am more fortunate than others to be able to have my shit together.

-You’re fortunate nothing out of your control has come your way, like cancer.

-You’re fortunate to have such good friends, not everyone does.

-You’re fortunate you’re not in the lower economic class.

(etc…)

Well, first of all… I don’t believe in luck when it comes to personality and life in general. And secondly, we are ALL more fortunate than SOMEONE so that is a silly statement. Of course I am fortunate for MANY, MANY things in life but to say I have these things out of luck is disrespectful and quite honestly offensive.

There you go…I guess something DOES offend me! It’s offensive because who do you think I am? Someone who magically knows how to be happy and get what I want out of life by chance? Someone who has had an easy life that just carried over into adulthood? Ha! What hilarious notions.

Truth is, I’ve been a miserable person most of my life. I won’t go into all the details because it’s the past and doesn’t really matter any more but I assure you I didn’t just wake up one day healed. I did however, one day realize that it’s time I do something about the unhappy life I was living. I knew the only person who could “fix” me was going to be ME and it was time to get a move on things. Has this been easy?! HELL NO! Has this been a fast process? HA! Have I thought I was healed to just realize I was no where near that point? ABSOLUTELY!

Let me give you a brief history of what I’ve been through in just the past 8 years or so when I first decided I was tired of not knowing how to be happy:

I first thought I could fix things without any help but quickly gave in due to a relationship I was in at the time. I felt my negativity pulling the whole thing down and knew I needed help. I went through several psychologists before finding the one I’ve been seeing for the past 5 years. That’s right…5 YEARS. It wasn’t until my last visit that she noted I might not need to see her any more. That was truly a happy thing for me to hear…like I had FINALLY succeeded! My goal of happiness had been reached! The thought of not seeing her freaked me out a bit however and I scheduled another appointment. She’s been there for me through a lot and I think I need to wean myself off her before just calling it quits for good!

I have read MANY self help books and done other self help research, including taking certain classes in school to help me understand people better. I have tried over the counter “medication” to help with certain conditions. I have studied and observed people to no end just to try and grasp the human mind better. I have gone through several spiritual and religious break-throughs. I have gone through many relationships, romantic and friendly ones practicing to try and get things right.

About 2 years ago I finally admitted I may need the help of some prescribed medication. This was a VERY tough thing for me to do. I like thinking I can fix everything but I really do believe I have a chemical imbalance of some sort. So, I tried many pills. One of which caused me to gain 10 pounds in one month and another 5 pounds when I unsafely decided to quit taking them cold-turkey. I switched psychiatrists several times looking for the right one until I found her and together we came up with the right medication for me to help on my journey. Depression and anxiety runs very high in both sides of my family so it’s no wonder I struggled a lot with these things. I refuse to live my life blaming others for the way I am though. There comes a point when you have to take charge of your life and “fix yourself.”

I am a firm believer in counselors. I also believe in self help books and FRIENDS. What I don’t believe in is a magical fix or luck. I have worked DAMN hard to get where I’m at in life. It was a scary, painful, difficult, trying time for me. It feels so good to finally be in the happy place I am at though! And to top it off I have met a wonderful man who has also gone through a lot in his life and who has done and continues to do self improvement. That is something I know I will have to work on for the rest of my life and something I will have to give a lot of focus and energy to- self improvement. How awesome to be with someone who feels the same way :) I am an example of how hard work does pay off! I honestly feel ALIVE right now and HAPPY and just like everything is finally falling into place for me. So thank you to ME and thank you to everyone who has stood by my side and helped guide me through the most amazing, rewarding journey of my life!

My Mind is Evolving

It is no secret that I have never been one to believe in soulmates. My thinking has always been- What is the chance that out of all the people in the world so many find their soulmate? My logical mind tells me the answer is slim to none. I have never been opposed to believing there are more than one soulmate for everyone though. I do think that when people say “He/She is my soulmate” they are convinced they are the only one out there that is so perfect for them and it’s this belief I have disregarded. I do feel any one of us can find someone compatible enough to spend our lives with many times over. Someone who is set apart from the rest in a very special way BUT I don’t think there is just ONE of these types of people.

In my head a soulmate can encompass many things…not just a romantic connection. I actually have a friend who I feel is a soulmate of mine. And this is not to take away from anything special I have with any of my other friends either! There is just something different about my relationship with Kacy that sets it apart. It’s something I can’t even really describe but it’s there. I have no other explanation but that she’s a soulmate to me. I know…gay right?! But not really…of course we don’t have a romantic attachment but soulmates can be much more than just that. I did a bit of research and found the following information:

Soulmates are our soul family, the ones we do have many lifetimes and experiences with, who help us grow and evolve, create and dissipate karma. According to ancient wisdom, when the soul is "born" or descended from Source, it is created in a group. The souls in this group are our soulmates, ones who are very like us in frequency makeup. Then each of these souls is split into two, creating the twins.

A soulmate is someone you are close to at a soul level, and with whom you have had many shared experiences in different lifetimes, in various kinds of relationships -- siblings, parent-child, best friend, as well as romantic relationships. There is a deep love for each other, and a spiritual bond that sets them apart from the superficiality of most other people in your life. Conversations are generally deep, about personal growth and service to make the world a better place. We can have many soulmates in our lives, and they come to us to help us grow spiritually.

Now I’m agnostic so I’m not really sure I fully believe in the whole “different lifetimes” aspect of this but everything else I agree with. This definition does make me want to look into different religions though and explore the possibility of rebirths. Anyway, while looking into “soulmates” I stumbled across a term I have never heard of before. And it’s the term I have always thought people mistakenly label soulmate- Twin Flame. This concept is the most romantic concept to me and one that I’m not in total disagreement on.

Twin flames, also called twin souls, are literally the other half of our soul. We each have only one twin, and generally after being split the two went their separate ways, incarnating over and over to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, this happens in both of their last lifetimes on the planet so they can ascend together. So you probably haven't had many lifetimes with your twin.

Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of two complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be "practice" for the twin, the ultimate relationship.

Twin Flames are what I think people think a soulmate is. With these new definitions under my belt I do believe that many people have found a soulmate to spend their life with. But have many found their twin flame? Their ultimate relationship?

Twin Flame reunions are the most fulfilling relationships we can enter into as humans, on all levels. However, twin flame couples have been extremely rare on the planet, and for good reasons, which will be described later. Despite this, we are finding that more and more twins are finding each other now, because of the acceleration of spiritual transformation and opportunities for soul evolution we are all experiencing. People are evolving and learning and healing at such a fast rate that they are getting ready for their twins faster. What used to take lifetimes to learn and heal, people are now going through in years or even months. This is the astounding level of acceleration we and the planet are going through.

When twins get together, it is for some kind of spiritual service work. This is their primary reason for finding each other, because through their union a huge birthing of creative energy is released, to be used for their mission together. More and more twins are attempting to get together now to help the planet and humanity make a big shift forward in consciousness.

However, many of these attempts at reunion are unsuccessful because the individual people are not quite ready for the intensity of a twin flame union. It is more intense than any other union, and this intensity is at a soul level, not as much in the physical or even emotional bodies. This doesn't mean that there isn't a good attraction at those levels as well, but the strongest attraction is of spirit. This is one of the distinguishing characteristics of a twin soul. Many people think they have met their twin because the attraction is so intense, but it is a karmic attraction, one of need or bodily desire rather than the Divine Love of twins.

Your chance of meeting and staying with your twin depends on how evolved your soul is, and how much of your baggage from this and past lives you have cleared. The biggest reason twins have to separate after coming together is their individual emotional baggage. Because in the presence of your twin, there can be nothing between you, nothing blocking your closeness. This means that everything comes up for healing that you haven't previously healed. Everything!

When twins reunite, both of them experience an acceleration of their spiritual growth and awakening. They get on the fast track of learning about esoteric wisdom and experiencing other states of consciousness. They usually haven't been together all that often during their series of lives on the planet, and so their backgrounds may be different. Yet, there is a closeness and similarities of spirit that are almost uncanny, noticed in many ways, such as looking back at yourself when you look at your mate, and a remembering of the distant past when you first split up. Guidance is strong with these relationships, and usually one or both have a good channel for communication with Spirit. Their connection is telepathic, and hugging each other is like coming home for nourishment.

Once again I’m left wondering about all of this rebirthing and different lifetimes hoopla but because this is the most beautiful, pure thing I have ever heard I really want to believe that we each have ONE twin soul out there. The notion of actually finding this soul is romantic and exciting. That something can be so powerful that your once united souls were ripped apart to grow individually to later be reunited in some magical, intense way that everything lines up just perfectly. I don’t know…I just may become a believer yet!

Why is poop so funny?!

A recent talk about bathroom humor has inspired me to share the following story. I originally posted it on myspace back in 2008 but for those of you who never had a myspace or those of you just looking for another laugh you should enjoy this. It is a true life story and one that I will NEVER forget!! Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend!



Bobbing for Corn and Fishing for Turds

Whoever thought bobbing for corn would be a good idea? Oh right. I believe that was me. It was Friday, July 4th and I was surrounded by old friends. Friends who I hadn't seen in far too long. Jager and Diet Dr. Pepper was my drink for the night and I was feeling good. I caught glimpse of the big vat of milky white water and cobs of corn. All it took was one person to agree with my suggestion, "Do it!" and off I went. The pot was a little deep and I was finding it hard to catch my piece of corn. But alas! I caught one! Everyone cheered and I proceeded to eat my prize, noting how yummy it was, juice dripping from my brow. It wouldn't be until the next morning that I decided that whoever made that corn should be shot.

It was a little before 7am and I decided I could no longer hold it. I needed to use the restroom. I made my way out of my car and walked past the battlefield of tents and walked inside. Surely someone would be up by now. Just two. One, in the bathroom…taking a long time, and the other, just up to relieve herself and then head back to the living room floor of scattered bodies. Finally, it was my turn to enter and even though I am extremely bathroom shy…a night of heavy drinking the night before does not allow for shyness the next day. I HAD to go. And even though I knew the toilet wasn't flushing that efficiently the day before, it had always been successful…it just took some patience. And patience I had that morning.

I've seen it happen on TV and in the movies but never once have I actually seen a toilet overflow right before my eyes. It has clogged on me before but I just wait for it to fill up, flush it again, and because of all the pressure of the full bowl it all nicely goes down…no problem. Well, this time there were problems. After several attempts to not only flush but plunge the toilet, I decided to do what I always do. Bad idea. I have never felt such panic come over me. The water…kept…rising. What is one to do? For starters I decided I'd use my hands like a net. Yep, I sure did. I scooped up as much substance as I could before it hit the floor. Into the trash can it went. And the water just kept coming…

Finally it stopped. The bowl was still completely full and now there was raw sewage about half an inch high in the bathroom. The bathroom that around 20 people needed to share. Mother of God! What am I going to do?! I can't just run away although I would have loved to do so. I had to wake someone up… Lucky for me, the house owner, Lee was just getting up and I warned him it wasn't pretty. He swung the door open and couldn't believe what he was seeing. I couldn't believe my luck. He got a mop and handed it to me once I offered to help clean up. I just honestly wanted to try to "fix" the situation before anyone else arose for the day. He started plunging away which caused much more water and uh…substance…to spew out onto the floor. I began to soak up the matter when I realized there was no ringer on the mop or attached to the bucket. "Umm, how am I supposed to ring this out?" Lee grabbed the mop head and like the man that he is, wrung it out with his hands…his bare hands. You've got to be kidding me! I already touched poop once that day…I really wanted that to be enough. But off to work I went…trying ever so hard to not think about what I was doing, what I was touching, or what I was smelling.

This process went on for some time. Lee plunged and did some stuff outside, and I wrung out shit water by hand. And one by one people got up and discovered the mess. Of course no one offered to help and I don't blame them. I wouldn't have either…it was no picnic. Once most of the water got soaked up I went around with paper towels and picked up larger pieces of sewage. And that's when I saw them…kernels of corn. The corn that was once so tasty the night before was now floating on the bathroom floor waiting to be rescued. Could this get any worse?!

Lee got the toilet working…sort of. No one was allowed to use it though…or the shower. Luckily he had keys to some community-type showers and shitter which was across the street. So we took turns walking back and forth using the facilities. Now even though I know it's not my fault the toilet not only clogged but ended up spitting around 2 inches of matter onto the bathroom floor…it was horrifying. I now realize I'm a lot more capable to do things though. Never would I have imaged I could have helped clean up that mess in the way I did. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. And never could I have imaged that me, who is SO bathroom shy, could invite others into her holy land and not really get that embarrassed. I am the Pooper Trooper…hear me roar. Or at least hear me laugh...which I hope you are doing as well