Caution: Sap ahead...in poem form

You Are My Love

I have no idea how I ever got along without you.

Our minds are so beautifully intertwined.

Our logic bouncing down the same dirt road.

At least half of my ability to love never reached capacity without you.

My lips grinned wide but my heart never made it past a smirk.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

At least I knew what I thought it should be.

How we merged together to become something spectacular

I will forever be grateful.

My days shine brighter, my nights glow softer.

You tell me I am beautiful and maybe you are right

For I have never felt as gorgeous as I do knowing you love me.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

And then I learned love could be so much more.

It’s the feeling of suffocating at the thought of ever losing you.

It’s the invisible touch of your hand in mine when I need it most.

It’s the excitement I feel at the mere sight of you smiling.

And it’s knowing that no matter what day, time, or location

I can feel a halo of affection protecting me and all my feelings.

I truly believed I knew what love was.

And then I met you.

My beliefs suddenly flattened by care and attention.

My views whittled into something I now laugh at.

You made it easy to hear me.

You made it easy to feel me.

And you made it easy to love me.

Now I’m sure I know what love is…

It’s the intense desire and need I feel when I think of you.

The Feeling of Need

I just realized that I sort of left my last story hanging…

Since I last posted I have seen John two times. Once when he came out to Tucson and then again when I went back East for Thanksgiving to be with him. So it’s apparent, after saying that, that things went well right? RIGHT. Things went so extremely well that I had my flight booked for Thanksgiving before he was even on the plane back home to Mass!

It’s hard to describe what it was like when John showed up at my house for the first time. I had been up for several hours in anticipation and excitement and as the time got closer to him showing up the more I felt like I was going to puke. I must have peed 10 times in that last hour and my heart was racing. Of course we were used to looking at each other over Skype but it was much different in real life. I guess there is nervousness for any new couple but since that moment had been built up for a month it was extra intense. But just as we thought, things went really well. We were comfortable and familiar enough with one another that things just clicked and we got along better than I even expected. There were no awkward moments and you could feel our excitement bouncing around the room. It was apparent we were equally pleased with how this monumental event was going.

Meeting his family for the first time for Thanksgiving couldn’t have gone better either! Everyone was so kind and welcoming that it would have been impossible for me to not feel comfortable and accepted. John had some concerns of his family’s behavior but I absolutely loved them. They were all very down to earth, fun, real people that I could relate to well. These were no bullshit types of people who constantly threw around jokes and humor which is exactly what I love.

I could go on and on about how his trip out here went or how my trip there went but there is something more important that I want to turn the focus toward—the moment I felt something different than I’ve ever felt before. The moment I felt so overwhelmed with admiration and emotion I basically freaked the fuck out. It was the moment I felt like I needed John. Not just that I wanted him in my life, not just that I really like him, and not just that I felt I should say I need him because guys like that stuff, but the actual feeling of need. (This hit me inbetween trips).

Those of you who know me well know this is not something I typically feel. In fact I’ve been known to boast about not needing anyone for anything because let’s face it, love is not a necessity of life. And even as much as I love my friends I know that without them I wouldn’t die. And I guess that’s always the “hard core” way I’ve looked at things. To me “need” is something that without it you’ll die. Silly me! Why I’m so rigid with my words I’m not sure but I am. If I take the rigidity out of it however, I do in fact need my friends in order to feel a level of happiness I otherwise couldn’t achieve on my own. And that’s just it…there are many levels of happiness in life. The following is a series of diagrams of my moods and how they’ve fluctuated. Upon realizing these differences it has made me realize that I do in fact need John to reach a level of happiness I’ve never known before. This was by no means an easy realization for me. I completely freaked out! You see, feeling THAT happy is completely foreign to me…I was pretty sure it was unattainable. There are many reasons John is able to see me at this level. Many reasons that no one has offered to me before. The biggest is his ability to “get” me and to be there for me emotionally. I have been forever told that I’m hard to understand and that you have to be careful with how you are toward me. I’ve never quite understood this but accepted it to be true since so many people have expressed this to me. To know that there is someone that understands me and knows just what to say and how to behave toward me is amazing. Of course that’s not all there is but that plays a huge part into me accepting that I need someone…I need John.

To reach the age of 32 (damn near anyway) and never having known what extreme happiness is makes it that much sweeter now that I do. I have claimed to be happy before, and I often am. However, this kind of happiness is completely different. And I know that I say “this time is different” a lot too but this time is not only different but a whole new experience for me. My world would be turned upside down without John in it. That is hard for me to admit. I like that he gets to see the vulnerable side of me though and that I’m not afraid to show it to him (well sometimes it takes a while for me to get there but I eventually do). I feel safe with him.

If you’ve never experienced a (healthy) feeling of need for someone then I say keep looking. Don’t settle for good when amazing can be achieved. Don’t stay close to extreme happiness when you can go above that line. I can try to explain it but honestly it’s a feeling that can only be felt and when it hits you, you’ll wonder how you ever got through life without it. Or maybe you’ve always been a happy person and this type of thing happens all the time for you. But for ME, happiness is not easy and extreme happiness is down right foreign…until now. This should explain a little better the excitement and enthusiasm I have for my future. This is the real deal and my smile couldn’t be bigger.

Love At First Skype

"Distance means so little when someone means so much."

There is no way I would ever consider being in a long distance relationship! How many times have you caught yourself denying a person based on one or two specifications? I hear it all the time... “I would NEVER date a smoker!” “I would never date someone with kids!” “I would never…blah, blah, blah”. I’ve tried to explain to people that if you met the right person, those things wouldn’t matter anymore. However I realized I was still doing the same thing I just thought mine made more sense. Why would anyone want to date someone who didn’t live in the same state or even same town as you?!

Now don’t get me wrong. There are definitely deal breakers that people have that hold more value than just what they do in their spare time or what their past entailed. Some people are adamant on mutual religion, others on race. And still others on criminal background, political affiliation, etc… These are still things that don’t seem like they should be a deal breaker to me but everyone has at least one and I try not to judge what yours might be. My deal breaker is that the person can not be an alcoholic. I’ve dealt with enough of that in one life time that I’m not willing to bend on it in my future. The rest of the things people proclaim they will not put up with really are petty and not true. You may try to argue with me on this but I know that certain things, if revealed appropriately, will not be as big of a deal as you think they are if you find true love. The key is to not be so close minded that you let someone really great pass you by because you’re caught up on something so insignificant. The key is to open your mind and turn those deal breakers into things you’d prefer weren’t so but not something that makes you completely look away.

I was recently faced with this and that’s how I’m quite certain deal breakers you train yourself to believe don’t really exist. While I was in Boston visiting my very good friend Kim I met someone. I met this random guy one drunken night at the bar while out for Kim’s birthday. He and I shared a couple drinks, danced a bit, and exchanged phone numbers all in the span of around 30 minutes and that was that. Or so I thought…

We spent the next couple days, weeks, texting, talking, and Skyping. Living out some long distance fantasy that would never be anything more than that. Perhaps we would meet somewhere, somewhere like the City of Sin, and have some whirlwind rendezvous! I mean, why not?! We were both single and the excitement of doing something so outside of my comfort zone sounded like just what I needed! And that’s just it…I was outside of my comfort zone. What about this guy was making me feel comfortable to behave and think in ways I never have before? Was it the safety of distance? The safety knowing that nothing would ever actually come of this? Perhaps. But either way I liked it. I became someone I always knew I could be but never could draw out of myself. And now this guy who was nearly 3,000 miles away was encouraging this side of me that I was really starting to like and feel comfortable with.

Well, some more time went by and this fantasy was quickly shaping into more than just some lustful dream. I was actually beginning to like this guy. I won’t go into too much detail here but he and I have a lot in common. I joke and say that I think we share part of the same brain. How could I be falling for someone over text and Skype though? No. I would just suppress my feelings and go back to thinking in hot, steamy fantasy land. So much for that effort. It was useless, I couldn’t help it…I was actually falling for him. Fortunately for me, he was feeling the same way. We knew it didn’t make logical sense but we couldn’t deny our hearts just the same. And being the logical people that we both are made this admittance difficult. So he made plans to come to Tucson. He knows one other person here, who he’s staying with so that made the planning and arrangements that much "safer" and secure for us and our loved ones.

Once the ticket had been purchased we decided to do a “dry run” if you will, on being exclusive. We still knew that it wasn’t very realistic or plausible but we both cared and trusted the other enough to give it a shot to see how it’d go. Then after his visit we would re-evaluate and figure out what our next move would be, if any at all. This past month has actually been very easy for me as far as being committed to a man so far away. No one here even comes close to catching or keeping my attention the way he does. I know I don’t want this to end but come on! A long distance relationship? Really?? Yes, really. There is a good chance it won’t be long distance for too long but even if it were I know he is worth it. No one has ever been so thoughtful and attentive to me. No one has ever quite gotten how my mind works before until now. No one has ever not wanted kids in the same capacity as me! Ha! Yes, that’s right…such a hard thing to find and yet I did. And for once in my life I found someone willing to put in as much effort as I am and to be available as much as I am.

His trip out to Tucson is kind of the last “test” to be sure we are as compatible as we feel we are. So far we have been missing touch, smell, and just actual presence of one another. I don’t see how it could possibly go wrong but we are both aware that there is a chance it could. Neither of us wants that to happen even though if things didn’t work out it would be a lot easier on us both. I don’t want easy though. I want the relationship I’ve held out for that I always knew existed. Have I said this before and been wrong? Of course. But with each failed relationship I learn more about myself and what I need out of a relationship. So for those of you who are holding back excitement for me because you feel “here she goes again” can seriously go fuck yourselves. And those of you who feel “how could she fall for someone so fast and over text and Skype no less?!” can hopefully learn something from this post. I was one of those doubters. I was someone who felt it took much, much longer to know if you were in love. Well, sometimes logic is wrong. I know this now. And I’m not going to fight it. I will do whatever I need to do to make this work out. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time (no offense to anyone else) and I’m cherishing every moment of it.

Tomorrow morning I will get to see John for basically the first time. We’ll get to share our first kiss and our first live moments together as a couple. From everything I’ve learned so far, between the 8,000 plus texts and hours upon hours of Skype and phone time, I have fallen in love with this man and I’m not ashamed to admit it or to go for it all the way. And if for some reason things don’t work out…this journey has been worth it a million times over. I’m so excited for tomorrow and for every day that follows. What started as just a fantasy has turned into something much more meaningful. How can I not be excited for that?! How can I not appreciate the way things have gone thus far? The irony of having two logical minds come together at the heart is enough to make me want more.

Onward and Upward

Looks like I bit the dust again. Another relationship failed because I wasn’t a priority. Guys always try to word it differently stating that’s not the case at all. But it is. If someone doesn’t make time for me, makes no attempt at all, then it’s because I’m not a priority. It means there are other things more important. It means there are other things they’d rather be focused on (which is fine, I just wish they'd admit it). I’ve been told that making time is impossible but c’mon now, that’s just silly. Nothing is impossible when it comes to our actions. Our actions are choices we choose or don’t choose to make. We all have become overwhelmed at some point and we all know that when that happens “something’s got to give”. What does that “something” end up being? Whatever is the least important out of whatever is causing the stress. In most relationships that something ends up being me. I’ve had a really hard time dealing with this in the past but have since decided that I’m not about to get sad over someone who didn’t think I was important enough. It may sound like I’m bitter but I’m really not. It’s just the fact of the matter. And I’m at peace with this fact. It is what it is and there’s no sense being sad over something I can’t control. I’d rather be happy and enjoy life and spend time with those who do view me as someone special enough in their lives.

No Tears

I’ve learned not to waste my tears.
When it becomes easy to dispose of me
I thank you.
Thank you for releasing my happiness
And the ability to no longer feel for you.
I have learned that if something is worth it,
Something is so important and wanted,
You’ll make it happen.
At least I will.
It’s always so easy for them to let me go.
Which always made it easy for me to cry.
Not special enough I always felt but now,
Too special for someone as unwilling as you.
I’m not going to be sad.
My life is wonderful--
The life I choose for myself and focus toward myself.
Because we all choose how to live and I,
I will not waste my tears.

Admission is the Hardest Step

I recently talked about turning points in life. I named my 10 year high school reunion as my biggest one and while this is true I have decided to talk about another one. One that is a bit more difficult for me but one I feel I want to share. Hopefully anyone else dealing with the same thing will be able to relate and those who aren’t will maybe understand me a little better or someone else you know dealing with this.

I have been consistently going to a psychologist for geez maybe 7 years now…it’s been so long I don’t even remember. I do know it’s been a long time though. Finally about 3 years ago I agreed to see a psychiatrist to see about getting a prescription for something to help my life-long battle with anxiety and depression. Don’t get me wrong, I work VERY hard on myself and resisted for a very long time to even consider getting any kind of medicinal aid to my condition. However, I never seemed to fully have control over my emotions and so reluctantly I agreed.

I went through several psychiatrists and several different medications before I found someone I liked and a combination of pills that seemed to work. It has only been around a year or maybe 2 now. Anyway, I have continued to see my psychologist as well since I have always been convinced that my “condition” is something I can fix all on my own (I'm also a big believer in continued self improvement through-out life). There have even been a couple times I foolishly decided to take myself off my medication because “it doesn’t work anyway” and I had been feeling really well. Little did I want to admit, but there was a reason I had been feeling so good. And sure enough, a couple weeks after purposely missing doses here and there I felt awful. I was back in the depression hole. Yes, missing just one dose affects me that much.

I have cautiously agreed that my medication does in fact work and have accepted that it’s probably something I will have to take for the rest of my life to keep my emotions leveled out. Deep down I still believe this to be false though. I think it’s because I don’t feel any different when I take my medication therefore it must not be doing anything. Well, I recently accidentally forgot to take my pills on two separate days about a week apart. I felt scared that it might catch up with me as it had before but didn’t want to really believe that might happen. But just as before, it did.

I was sitting at work and suddenly for no reason at all felt very sad and tears started to fall. Nothing crazy but definitely a physical and mental sadness. This in turn made me very angry that two stupid little pills a day had that much control over me. It instantly made me feel embarrassed, foolish, weak, and flat out like a pretty sorry human being. That then snowballed in to a whole mess of things which lead to anger and disappointment in myself.

In my life I very, very rarely have highs. I’m pretty much a person that is just above a depressed level on a good day and pretty low on a bad day. My medication pushes me up a little higher and my lows generally become what my old highs were. When I don’t take my medication it completely throws me off and puts me back into the negative state I have been so used to in life. It’s a scary feeling and often leaves me feeling hopeless and lost. It also makes me suddenly feel disconnected from everyone and everything. This can be overwhelming and confusing for me let alone for someone else who is trying to make sense of it and make me feel better.

I don’t expect people to understand. But I also don’t expect people to try to figure it out and come up with their own assumptions and conclusions. I also don’t like when people try to downplay the severity of my feelings. Because guess what? They are my feelings and they are very real. I wish more than anything I didn’t need the extra help. You have no idea how disappointing it is for me. But I also believe that there is some truth to it and if it makes me feel better than hey, I’ve spent enough of my life feeling miserable that I might as well stick with what works for me so I don’t have to feel miserable anymore.

So when I have a bad day and I seem completely unreasonable and confusing you need to trust that it’s a million times worse for me. I don’t need you to understand or even have sympathy for me but perhaps a little compassion would be nice. I also wish people would understand that it’s not THEIR fault. Don’t try to read into my feelings and begin to take blame for why I’m so unhappy. It’s a moment that I’m going through and trust me, it sucks. It is not something I am proud of but hey, it’s me, and that I’m okay with.

A Much Calmer Me

It’s been a while. I guess I haven’t been angry about anything lately or annoyed enough to write what I typically write about—annoyances of mine. I’m still not sure I have anything negative to bitch about. I’ve become a lot calmer and much easier going recently. I think I’ve pretty much mastered the “who cares” theory.

A good example would be the workplace. People constantly bitch about those who do not pick up after themselves (especially in the kitchen), those who do not leave common areas neat and tidy, and people who have no bathroom manners. I find it humorous how worked up some people get about these things. My thinking is that there are over 50 people at my work; there is no way that all 50+ are going to be courteous, neat, and tidy. NO WAY. I don’t care how many signs you post, how many times you send out an email, etc… not everyone is going to abide. So what is the point in getting upset? There is no point. It’s common sense that not everyone is going to behave in the “correct” way. It takes less time to clean up the mess or refill the water bottle than it does to get angry. First of all, you will never know who the culprit is unless you waste even more time spying. So why bother getting worked up about it? An alternative would be to shake your head and think, “I don’t understand some people” and then let it go. It’s so much easier that way.

That is one example of calming myself down. Of course, that’s a lot easier to do when dealing with a big group of people. One on one is a bit different because now you’re just dealing with one person’s behavior and not a mysterious few out of a large sum. What I have learned to do in these types of cases is NOT change my behavior. I’m usually pretty punctual but have a lot of friends that aren’t. Well, if it’s dinner plans we have and they’re late and I’m hungry…I go ahead and eat. I don’t get mad but I also don’t wait. If I were to wait I’d probably get upset and that’s not cool. So instead of sitting there hungry and pissy I go ahead with the plans and begin to eat. I do this with other things too. The trick here is to continue on without getting upset. So when they finally show up you shouldn’t say “Well it’s about time. I was starving so I started without out” coldly with a smirk on your face. This will come off as rude and vengeful. Instead, say “Oh hey! No worry about being late, it happens. I was really hungry though so I hope you don’t mind that I started without you.” I have never gotten a negative response to this.

Basically what I’m saying is, don’t change who you are. If a dirty microwave bothers you and you see at work it’s filthy…clean it. Don’t go into a rage about how unfair and messed up it is that someone left it like that. And don’t protest to clean it since you didn’t make the mess. Just clean it. And if a dirty microwave doesn’t bother you then put your food in and hit Start. Likewise, don’t change your plans and demeanor based on others’ actions. If you’re tired of waiting because someone else is holding up the plans, then go on without them but remember to stay pleasant about it. Don’t get upset…just do it knowing that they’ll understand. And it’s okay to apologize for it but do so in a way that let’s them know that you weren’t trying to “get back at them” but rather you were simply trying to stay on schedule so you wouldn’t get upset.

It really is simple. Don’t get upset AND be yourself. That’s really all it takes. I have to remind myself a lot but when I do remember I find myself much happier and more at peace overall.

Ally McBallSack

The television show Ally McBeal of all horrific things got me thinking this weekend. I started watching the series on Netflix out of sheer boredom and there is one episode that has stuck out to me and got my wheels turning. It is episode six from season one: The Promise. The gist of the part that intrigued me is as follows:

Ally gives mouth to mouth to an overweight male attorney who passes out and she ends up saving his life. His fiancé later stops by Ally’s law firm to thank her for saving the man who has forever given her hope and happiness. The man later stops by and asks Ally if a woman like her could ever fall for a man like him. He explains that although he loves his fiancé very much, she doesn’t make his heart “bounce”. He worries that he’s marrying the only instead of the one and only. He asks for Ally’s advice and she explains that he should marry someone who makes his heart bounce and to not settle. Angered, the fiancé ends up going back to Ally to inform her that he called the wedding off. She expressed that people like them (overweight and less attractive) don’t get many chances and that marrying their only is the one chance they get. She expressed that since choices are limited, waiting for the one and only might not happen. The fiancé convinced her that some people aren’t worthy of holding out for the right one. So Ally ends up convincing the man to marry his fiancé after all because she couldn’t think of any of her friends who would date him based on his size alone and others probably wouldn't either. He ends up marrying the woman and supposedly they end up happily ever after. Ugh.

There were a few things that struck me as odd. First of all, I agreed with Ally’s original advice that he should marry someone he’s in love with and not just someone he loves and someone who is convenient. I say “don’t ever settle!” all the time and truly believe this. But what about people who rarely, if ever, get hit on? Those who don’t get the opportunity to “date around” and see what’s out there? What about those people? The fiancé had me briefly convinced that she was right…people like her and him should go for companionship and convenience over being in love. Just because some people date very easily and often doesn’t mean that others do which would make it even harder to find “the one”. But then I realized that is bullshit!

Looks truly aren’t everything and many couples have proved that theory correct. I don’t care what you look like or how heavy you are or even how much you love someone. I feel that people should first become happy with themselves and then they WILL find someone to make their heart bounce. If you stay in your rut then yes, go ahead and settle. If you don’t feel you’re attractive enough to find the one, it will show what little value you place on yourself. The problem begins within not on appearance. Yes, I’m sure it’s easier for attractive people to find dates. However, that just means they’re going to fail more unless they’re happy with themselves first. Being happy with yourself can be achieved by people of all shapes and sizes.

So thank you Ally McBeal for making me think but at the same time—screw you for convincing me for a moment, that it makes sense for some people to settle. I do NOT think ANYONE should settle. Not at all. Nor is it fair to anyone involved. Respect yourself a little bit more and aim high. Everyone’s heart should “bounce” for the person they choose to marry. It’s all in the attitude you choose to carry.

The Shit Exchange

For the life of me I cannot figure out why, when two people break up, the shit at each other’s houses can’t be exchanged within a week. I’m tired of guys leaving a trail of shit at my house to only want it back months, sometimes years later. WTF?! More annoying than that is not being able to get MY stuff back. What’s the hold up guys? I don’t want your shit and I’d like MY shit back. Whatever you have of mine was probably something to benefit you anyway, like a fan, or dishes and not some crappy CDs and holey underwear you left for me. Thank God I don’t have to deal with this any more. I now have a real man who’s accountable for his belongings and who respects me enough to not leave his shit strewn about. I know, I know. This is partly my fault too right? The only thing I feel I’m at fault with is letting them use my house as a dumpster in the first place and for being nice enough to let them borrow useful items. It’s completely ridiculous the inconvenience it is to have “left over” dude’s items at my place. And the only reason I hold onto them is to be sure I’ll get my stuff back but if I don’t then you’re not getting yours either. Call it childish if you want but I’m sick of the games of holding stuff hostage. Whatever happened to putting stuff in a box and leaving it out for the other?? That needs to happen again. Or maybe I should have been a big bitch and just trashed everything I have of theirs after a week and said “Oh well.” That I feel is childish though. Demanding an exchange of stuff is far less ridiculous I think. At least that way they’ll know what’s going to happen should they never return my belongings. Whatever. Like I said I’m done with this routine anyway…at least by next week when the remains of someone’s crap gets hauled away by a mutual friend…FINALLY!

I seriously can’t say enough how nice it is to finally be dating a MAN.

Ahhh, to be in love :)

Perfection

Through the tunnel,
Back up and over,
You crawled into my heart.
Uncertain it began, unwilling I felt.
Happy all alone.
A gentleman from the start,
Respected boundaries among.

Then it happened.

I saw you for the man that you are.
A father, a hard worker, a responsible
Dedicated, strong man you became
In my new color blind eyes.
It was then I knew that I wanted you for mine.
You amaze and inspire me every day.
We wildly mesh and bring out our best.
Our timing right on, our pace gone perfect.
In your embrace is where I feel my safest.
To never lose you is my desire,
To never hurt you is my promise.
As much as I know that perfect doesn’t exist
For me and my imperfect self, you are
Perfection.
Unconditionally you and unconditionally me
We unconditionally accept and let each be.
I know the true you and
I enjoy every part.
I know my smile won’t fade and
Of this I’m deeply certain.

You are It for me.

Mi amor siempre,
Besos para ti, te amo muchos.

No Games Here

It was recently told to me that I play “lovers games”. I cannot express enough how much this phrase pissed me off. This statement came about because in the past year or so I have dated a few different guys. How this relates to playing games I’m not sure though. To imply that just because I’ve had different boyfriends means I’m just playing around is absurd and offensive. In fact I do just the opposite. If I were playing games then I’d still be dating them. That’s the difference though… I know what I want and if I don’t get it, then I move on. I don’t see what’s wrong with that. How am I supposed to find someone who is right for me if I don’t date different people?? Am I supposed to latch on to the first thing that shows interest in me and never let him go whether or not he meets up to my standards?! Again, this is crazy talk. Do I have high standards? Damn straight. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t unless maybe they offer less than that themselves. Well I don’t. I’ve spent a long time thinking that I was undateable. I’d get the same complaints guy after guy. Finally I decided that the complaints that they had weren’t because I’m a bad person but rather that our personalities didn’t mesh well enough. So that’s what I’ve come up with. I AM a dateable person I just needed to be happy being me and doing my own thing for long enough to realize that and embrace it. And then when the time was right, someone would come along who not only allows me to be myself but who GETS me. That time came a lot sooner than I thought it would but I’m happy that it did. For once I feel secure and loved unconditionally. For once I feel at peace and just all around happy. There is nothing quite as great as knowing I can be myself, bad parts and all, and know that my boyfriend isn’t going to walk on eggshells, isn’t going to ridicule me or overly praise me, isn’t going to ignore me, and certainly isn’t going to leave me. Am I glad that I dated before meeting him? Absolutely. For if I hadn’t our timing wouldn’t have been right. Did I play with people’s hearts in order to get where I’m at today? Of course not. I hold people’s feelings in a high regard. And in return people need to be positive and happy for me. I’m tired of the “good lucks” and the “be cautious” and the implications that my life and others’ is some kind of game for me. It’s not. Not that I have to prove myself to anyone but if people are truly my friends perhaps they should think a little bit more before making light of something I take so seriously. I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time now and don’t need the approval of anyone. What I need is for people to trust that I know what is best for me and leave it at that.

My Secret to Happiness

Can you honestly say that you love yourself? Can you say that you are happy with who you are and fully accept that person? This is a much more difficult task then it sounds. Or maybe it’s just me but I have finally come to realize that I am a good person and I am worth loving. I’m a strong believer in continuously and consistently working on self-improvements. This is something I plan to do for the rest of my life. For the most part I love who I have become. I used to think I was damaged and difficult and even unlovable at times. What a miserable life that was for me. So how did I learn to accept the me that I’ve become?

I would like to attribute it all to hard work and dedication but that would be a lie. A huge part of it is all my failed relationships and the support from my friends. I’ve been treated worse than I’d like to admit by men who I loved so much. I was convinced that things didn’t work because we must not be compatible enough which was based largely on the fact that I thought I was too difficult. Well a couple months ago I decided that I’m no more difficult than others. I am in fact a good person and I am not difficult to love. How can I have so many friends who love me if that were the case? I had accepted that I would be okay to be single for the rest of my life if it meant I could continue to be me and live comfortably as that.

No, this isn’t a “woe is me” type of statement. I could get a boyfriend and I could make it work. I’m just tired of trying to make things work. I just want to be me and for things to feel natural and unforced. And if I can’t find that, then that’s okay. I’d rather be alone and happy. And that’s really when it sunk in…the secret to being happy. The secret is as simple as- loving yourself. I mean, truly deeply loving yourself. You need to be alone in order to do this. If you don’t think you’re a good person or there is some flaw that has you in disgust, then work on it. But whatever you do, don’t try to find someone who will love you “as is” if you can’t even love yourself. Again, I could find people to love me how I am. And in fact, I’ve done so in the past. It wasn’t right though. It’s not fair to anyone to be this way when I couldn’t even love myself.

After you’ve accepted yourself then, and only then can you try to find someone special to share that with. It needs to be someone who also accepts themselves. Not only that but you have to be compatible with them. Wow…that’s a lot of good timing and chance! But I assure you it’s possible. Is it a hard, lonely road? Yes, it certainly can be. It’s easy to give in to the idea that someone loves you and to try and make something out of that. However, in the long run it doesn’t work. At least for me it never has. I can say that being patient is definitely worth it. I hope accepting yourself is easier for you then it has been for me. But either way once you get there, life becomes good. And finding someone to share your happiness with makes it that much sweeter.

Running Blues

My focus is all over the place lately. There is some family drama that is causing me a ton of unwelcomed stress. This has caused my diet and exercise structure to turn to shit. I have continued to run but that’s about it. Instead of working out, I meet up with friends for dinner and drinks. Granted, I have always done this but it’s usually only post-workout and not a replacement. So my weight has gone up a tad and my mood and esteem of myself has gone down the toilet. I ran my first ever ½ marathon yesterday though. As much as my running has sucked lately, I somehow felt exceptionally well during the race and finished faster than I thought I would! I’m still very slow so it took me 2:46:30 to finish but for me, that’s good. This course was difficult as it was full of hills. I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me a little that no one came out to support me. I guess I got spoiled on the full I ran in January. At least I had my teammates- Bertha, Myrna, Sara, and Marsha. We all ended up coming in at different times but we congratulated each other just the same. It is true that I run for ME but if I ran alone AND there was no one there to say “Congratulations!” at the end, I’m not sure I would keep it up. Maybe I would but it would be a lot more difficult to motivate myself and stay on track so to speak. I’m not upset that no one came out…I know that people have things going on, I guess I was just a little sad. My mood has not been great lately and it’s a lot harder to keep myself smiling. Good thing running makes me feel so good! I didn’t let it keep me down. I went and picked up some food and headed home to soak in the tub for a while. Just like with any sport…people can’t show up to cheer you on all the time for your event. You have to be able to cheer yourself on and do well for your own satisfaction. I mean, it feels great to finish something that’s so difficult for me whether or not there are any external people there to share it with. I just need to remember not to take it personally and know that people do support me whether or not they’re there. Hopefully soon this drama I’ve been dealing with will go away and I’ll be feeling like myself again.

Old, not wise, Forehead

I looked in the mirror today and I looked old. I have some wrinkles forming on my forehead that I knew would seep out sooner or later. I have spent a lot of my life scowling and now it’s apparent as the lines on my face tell everyone. They’re barely there (right now) but they’re there nonetheless. I was waiting for the day when I’d look at my reflection and see an aged image of myself. I think that day has come. People tell me I look young for my age all the time and while that may be true, I know I don’t look as young as some people imply. I see college aged girls and I think they look so tiny, so young, so inexperienced. I definitely don’t look like them. I’m okay with aging. What I’m really afraid of is getting old and sick. I try to stay healthy so that when I’m in my 80’s I can still do the things that I enjoy. Aging is probably going to be weird for me but I think I can handle it as long as I can remain active. Still, today I noticed my first real wrinkle forming and I can’t help but to imagine the rest coming in and aging me dramatically. I would like to stay looking young for a bit longer. Age does not sophisticate women like it does men. And I know that aging is inevitable.I just hope it's a slow moving process for me.

Recurring Struggles

I’ve worked so hard to move past all of the pain and hurt. I’ve worked so hard at becoming a better person…a good person. I push myself because I choose to do so, not because someone has told me I should. Life is almost never easy for me. I struggle daily. And just when I thought breathing was a little bit easier I am reminded of everything I hate about myself and I start to slide backwards into a hole of depression. This time the hole is pretty deep. Luckily some other good things have taken place to help pull me out a bit but I’m still pretty far gone and basically numb to most everything. I believe that as soon as I get some solid answers about the stressors I’m dealing with, I can begin to heal myself further and come out of this stronger than before. I really hope this is the case anyway. It needs to be the case. I haven’t worked as many years as I have to repair my spirit to lose it all now. I just received a promotion at work and I can’t even be happy about it. I was for about two days and now I’m just overwhelmed with other thoughts. I just need some answers. The hurt and pain will go away. I am a good person. I’ve worked hard to become a good person with happiness and I will continue to move in that direction if it takes everything I’ve got.

So if I haven’t been myself lately or the good friend I know I should be, I apologize. My mind has not been quite right lately.

Feelings Are Reality

You can’t take away someone’s feelings. Something that really bothers me that I see people doing a lot is trying to take away the hurt and pain someone is feeling. I hear “just remember it could always be worse” and “here you are complaining when your problems aren’t half as bad as so-and-so’s”. Well I think these statements are crap. There will always be someone worse off then you as well as someone better off. Does that mean you can’t enjoy your good times or feel bad about the hard times?! Of course not. No one likes someone who brags and steals the spotlight. Well I equally don’t like it when someone tries to belittle my feelings of sadness or being scared or any other “less than happy” emotion. They are MY feelings, let me feel them. I do the same for others. I don’t always understand people’s emotions. I wish I did but I don’t. I do however have compassion for people. I believe that every person is good. Evil does not exist and therefore everyone has the right to feel however they want about whatever they want. Do not try to lessen the pain because it’s not as big of a deal as someone else’s problems. All I know is MY OWN life and if that means I’m distraught about something, I should be able to feel that way without being made to feel bad about getting upset over something you might think is petty. Everyone’s problems are real problems if that’s the way they feel. You can’t take away someone’s feelings so please don’t try.

Against the Current

Some days I think about what life would be like if I were to stay single for the rest of my life and a huge smile appears on my face. I have come to realize this is not “normal” in thinking. Who doesn’t want someone to love them unconditionally and be there by their side through all of life’s treasures and trolley’s? Perhaps someone who hasn’t felt much unconditional love before.

One thing I know how to do well is take care of myself. I’ve been doing it for a long time and I think I’m pretty successful at it. With that being said I don’t need anyone and I don’t think that anyone should need me either. I don’t like to feel needed…it kind of turns me off. I know I can be replaced and I’m okay with that. I do what I do and if it involves enhancing peoples lives than that’s fantastic but they certainly don’t need me.

My brother Daniel recently told me something that stung at first to hear but made me come to a realization. He told me that maybe I’m always in a relationship because I’m looking for that one person who won’t abandon me and who will always be by my side. He pointed out how that’s how “family” works and that blood is in fact thicker than water. I pointed out how my friends are my family and I get that kind of love and support from them. Then he said “Yeah, but if it came down to it and they HAD to choose…they would pick their family over you.” At first I wanted to deny it but I couldn’t think of a situation where I would come before someone’s blood. Maybe not all of their relatives but at least one. That realization left me feeling a little sad and empty inside but I was glad he said it. What’s wrong with doing my own thing and enjoying my friends and myself and for that being enough? Why can’t that be enough in life to make me happy? Why must we search for more? So what if I don’t come first in anyone’s life. That doesn’t make me pathetic. It makes me strong and independent. It makes me feel like I have succeeded at getting to know myself and learning how to nurture and trust THAT.

This is not a pity blog. I know I could find someone who wants to spend their life with me. But what if I choose not to? Does that make me a freak? A bad person? Someone in denial? I don’t think so. I think it makes me focused on my very own happiness and not needing another human to try and create happiness for me. Yes, my friends add so much joy and happiness to my life. That is why I spend so much time with them. I love them and know they love me as well. Why can't having friends be enough? I know my opinions and feelings could change but for now, staying Amy Maharry forever sounds pretty good to me.

Prioritizing

It’s interesting to me how priorities change through-out your lifetime. What is good to keep in mind is to revisit them (often) and be sure you have enough time to achieve all your goals. If you don’t, it’s probably time to re-prioritize. There is nothing wrong with doing this but I do find something wrong with not giving yourself enough time to give proper attention to the things that matter most to you. I know that everyone is busy and there never seems to be enough time to get “it” all done but with a little bit of reorganization you can and feel much less stressed in the process.

It is true that I don’t have a husband or any kids, so it might be a little easier for me. However, if I had kids I would do so knowing that I would have to rethink my priorities and adjust accordingly. I believe anyone can manage their time. With that being said my recent focus has been the following:

1. Work. I HAVE to pay my bills after all.
2. Focus on my diet and exercise which includes a goal to lose some weight and then maintain my weight after that.
3. My friends. Spending time with my friends and keeping a strong interest in their lives.
4. My alone time to do nothing or anything I want.

It might not sound like much to some of you but it’s a lot to keep up with. Almost all of my time is spent on one of these four things. I make time for these and don’t bend. Doing so would leave me feeling unsatisfied and I’m not willing to do that right now. Of course work schedules me but the other things I schedule time for. I MAKE TIME FOR THESE THINGS. And everything else comes after these. These are what are important to me NOW.

More recently I added another priority…my boyfriend. For a couple weeks I started to panic that there just wasn’t enough time for him right now. It scared me to think that our timing might be off and that it wouldn’t work out. It may sound silly to think that I would rather go to Bikram yoga than to spend time with him but right now it’s very important to me that I feel good about myself which includes working out. Of course I want to spend time with him but not if I’m going to be angry at myself in the morning when I step on the scale and knew I should have gone to yoga. No, I am not obsessed with working out. It’s just where my focus is right now in life. And there is nothing wrong with that.

So…I talked to him about all of this and decided that I wanted to make him more of a priority in my life. The item that I decided would get shifted around a bit is my time to myself. I realized that even if he’s present I can still behave how I would if I were alone. I can be as lazy, grungy, messy, or as busy as I want to be and he’s cool with it. I have also shifted around my work out times to make myself more available in the evenings for him and my friends who I spend a lot of time with.

It is all beginning to work out pretty well. I still feel like I have my focus without getting burned out by other things that just aren’t as meaningful to me. Everyone has their own list of priorities and it shouldn’t be very long. I have learned that five things is about the maximum. Time is limited and attempting to do too much will leave you exhausted all the time. Maybe it’s time you listed out your priorities and think about ways to improve your focus on them and ways to cut out the other things that aren’t as important.

Mental Strength

Well I’ve done it. I finished my first ever marathon. I may have gone slowly but I succeeded in completing my goal—to finish. There are so many people who can go much faster than me but there are many others who say that I’m crazy and that they could never complete a marathon no matter how slow they went. I disagree with them because as my dad put it, “Amy’s never done anything.” What that means is that I’ve never played sports nor have I ever run before. I have never been an active individual and yet I ran a marathon. What it comes down to is having determination and commitment. It’s not about leg strength or body size…it’s about preparing yourself mentally. And preparing yourself to complete a distance of 26.2 miles is no easy task. Since July 2010 I gave up my Friday nights to get proper rest to wake up sometimes as early as 3am to meet my group Saturday morning to run. In addition, I ran two evenings a week. Both of these chores were done no matter how hot/cold the weather was. I’ve run outdoors in 110 degree sunshine as well as 27 degree cold. The point is that I did it. I did it and so can anyone else who makes up their mind to do something. It’s all about dedication. It is definitely difficult to be so dedicated to something but the reward for doing so is what keeps me going. I like a good challenge, it makes me feel good. And running for me isn’t about speed or physical strength. It’s about mental strength and internal drive. Some people run to compete, I run to prove to myself that I can do things I never thought possible. And I hope by me doing so, others will see that they can achieve their goals as well no matter how farfetched or difficult they seem. With the right mind set ANYONE can succeed. I definitely didn’t finish first but I finished. And that small fact feels really good.

A Different Spin

I am saddened by the events that took place in my home town of Tucson on Saturday, January 8, 2011. I am saddened by the obvious reason that innocent lives were taken, but I am saddened by much more than that. Everyone is so angry and quick to view Loughner as a monster and to put all the blame on him. I disagree. Don’t get me wrong, I in no way feel that he should not have to pay the consequences of his actions. He most certainly should. There were a lot of lives affected that day by his actions. Not just the slain, not just the injured, but hundreds and thousands more who were there and who feel their safety has been jeopardized due to the violent acts of Loughner and any others who may have the same psyche as him. What he did was wrong and with that comes consequences.

However, there is another person I feel sorry for—Loughner himself. Yes, you read that correctly. I am a believer in the thought that there are no evil people in this world, just evil acts. But no one commits an evil act (or good act) without it seeming to be beneficial to them in some fashion. I won’t go into great detail about this unless you would like me to, but it is a strong belief of mine. With that being said, I do not believe Loughner went on a shooting spree because he is an evil person. What I do believe is that he was a greatly misguided individual who no one seemed to care enough about to seek help for him. He was only 22 after all. Do you think his “craziness” started with his 22^nd birthday? I highly doubt it. Chances are he was a depressed and disturbed individual for most of his life. Why didn’t his parents notice this? Why didn’t others? Did no one care enough to try and give this child the life he deserves?

Many of you reading this may strongly disagree with me and that’s okay. Let me explain where I am coming from on this. As a child I was very depressed and miserable. I hated life and just wanted to die. It brings tears to my eyes to read past journal entries of mine expressing such hatred for myself and welcoming death. The part that is the saddest to me is—why didn’t anyone notice? You would think that as miserable as I was someone would have picked up on it and tried to intervene in some way…but that never happened. Instead I intervened on myself once I was older and found the strength to do so. In all honesty, not many EVER find that strength. I’m not saying this to speak highly of myself either. In fact I’m really not even sure how I got to the point of wanting to better my life but I can say that it didn’t really begin until age 24 or so. And then following that year it has taken MANY more to get to a state of happiness and control of my life. It has not been an easy road to travel down though and it’s one that takes constant dedication and effort.

Again, I am not saying that what Loughner did wasn’t his fault. And I’m not saying that his actions don’t disgust me, because they do. What I am saying is that I get very affected and saddened when a child “slips through the cracks” and grows up so misguided. I get affected and saddened to know that there are so many out there that don’t know what to look for nor how to handle a child who is struggling so badly on the inside. This is why it is my goal to help troubled children. I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and confused and I know how quickly that can spiral into insanity and disillusionment. I’m not asking that anyone feel sorry for Loughner, especially right now when there are so many innocent people to feel for. I guess I’m just asking that you think about what I said and realize that in a way Loughner was a victim in this mess too. A victim of no one caring enough about him to be involved in his life and thoughts…a victim of being alone and misinformed about how wonderful life can be. Unfortunately he did nothing to help himself and in turn ruined many more lives. Please, if you have children, love them. If you have children, know them, care about them, hug them, and always be involved enough to guide them. Do not ignore cries of help from others, even the silent cries that can be deadly, as proven here.

The Best

I can’t believe that 2010 is already over! This last year went by faster than any other year so far. Interestingly, it was probably my favorite year as well. That’s what tends to happen though…time stands still while you’re miserable but goes by much too quickly when you’re having fun. Not all of 2010 was fun but there really isn’t much to complain about…

I got dumped a couple times. Once via facebook email…yeah, you read correctly. And the other time wasn’t really a “dump” per se but more of a “part time” romance until I decided I deserved better. I also dated a couple different people in-between these two relationships. I learned a lot from doing that and it reiterated to me how much I HATE dating. Some people like to meet new people, get free food, and just go out and chat with others. I. Do. Not. I don’t play the whole dating game and this usually doesn’t work to my advantage. People become attached super fast and sometimes they’re hard to get rid of OR the exact opposite happens and my bluntness and up-front-ness freaks dudes out and I never hear from them again. Where is the happy medium?? Guys either fall in love with me after date number one or they treat me like I’m a guy and act disgusting and rude without second thought. Yes, it’s true that I can hang like many guys but I am in fact a lady and would like to be treated like one from any potential mate. I don’t understand why this concept is so hard for people.

Anyway, besides my interesting dating experiences many fun things happened as well. I had the funnest trip to Vegas I’ve ever had. Kacy and I went in April and our sole purpose was to party. And party we did! Hangover-free too I might add. There was no walking up and down the strip for endless hours, no time spent pissing away money in the casinos, and no site-seeing to be done. This vacation was perfect and so was the road trip there and back. Luckily we took plenty of video footage to commemorate the trip. I still will watch the videos at random times to put a huge smile on my face. We were truly free of all drama that weekend and it was simply awesome. This was the only real vacation I took in the year 2010 so this year I think I need to schedule some more.

In 2010 I lost some friends (not to the Grim Reaper but to personal differences) but I made many more. I love my friends so very much and so I’m always pleased to grow this population. To show my appreciation I threw a party in their honor! I had my first official “Friend Appreciation Pary”. I rented a wet bouncy castle and a slip and slide. Food was grilled, jungle juice and beer were served and everyone who attended had a really fun time…I know I certainly did! Hopefully I’ll be able to throw another party like that again in the future. I know I can never tire of telling my friends “thanks” so I’m sure this will be arranged.

2010 was the year of new fitness activities for me as well. I got into Bikram yoga and running. Both are very challenging for me which is why I love them so much. I will be running my first marathon on January 16 and I plan to continue joining running groups to further train myself and get into shape. I also plan on continuing Bikram yoga as well. I have already written a whole blog in its honor so I won’t repeat myself but if you like a challenge and want to heal your body from the outside in, you should try it!

Despite the recession we’re in, the company I work for has continued to flourish and grow. I am very thankful for this and realize just how lucky I am. I see so many people suffering right now and I have continued to do well for myself, saving up money in case a rough patch does happen to come my way. Due to my company’s continued success and spike in work I was able to help out others who weren’t so fortunate. This felt good to be able to lend a hand to those I know really appreciated it.

Probably my biggest accomplishment in 2010 was getting my bachelor’s degree. I finally finished school after working tirelessly to get there. I started in Fall 2004 and went straight (minus two split semesters off) until I achieved my goal. It would have been nice to not have to work during that time but that wasn’t an option for me. It feels good to know I am the first in my family to finish college. I’m sure I’ll end up getting my Master’s but for now I’m going to enjoy some off-time and just focus on work for once. Actually, I may start volunteering with a youth program of some sort to get a feel of what is out there. I hope to one day open my own organization for kids.

And lastly I have finally entered into a relationship that I feel has some real potential. I won’t go into too much detail about that right now but I will say there is something to being friends with someone for years before giving dating a shot. Either way, he makes me happy and I’m always guaranteed a good time. Those are the things that are important to me right now and I don’t see that fading anytime soon.

Well, if you made it this far you can see that 2010 was a very good year for me. There were definitely some lows and I am still in the process of bettering myself (will be for life) and learning how to become a happier person but for the most part I was smiling all through-out the year. I’m curious to see if 2011 will be even better…it has definitely got some stiff competition!

Happy New Year to all my wonderful friends and even those of you who hate me who might be reading this…because that’s how I roll :)